I May Have Just Outed Myself as Polyamorous on Social Media
Sharing my joy and excitement about my love for DJDM means “everyone” knows about him now.
Since meeting DJDM, I have been in this amazing little love bubble. I think about him all the time. I enjoy his company. When I’m not with him I’m thinking about our life together and what we want to do in the future. It’s pretty amazing. The thing is, this love bubble, this overflowing of love and affection has somehow moved into my social media.
My Facebook world is normally pretty locked down. I have what might be considered a small number of people who are allowed to take part in the “real-life” social media adventures of E.L. Byrne. I regularly curate my friend’s list and remove people if I even have a small doubt about why they are there. But despite my careful curation, probably too many people on my friend’s list, are my mother’s friends from when I was growing up. (I’ve removed quite a few, but come on, these ladies were my aunties growing up!)
I am a 47-year-old divorcee who is living an unconventional life. So, sometimes I feel the scrutiny a little more.
Now, my closest 435 “friends” are following my travel adventures and keeping an eye on what I am doing. Fine. Good. This is Facebook, that’s what people do. But I am also a 47-year-old divorcee who is living an unconventional life. So, sometimes I feel the scrutiny a little more. For the people following my timeline, my unconventional life is travel; living with two suitcases and a backpack and never staying in the same place for too long. They don’t know that my “unconventional life” also involves multiple romantic partners and writing about sex and relationships.
Except, they might know about the multiple partners, soon. See… by sharing my joy and excitement about my love for DJDM, “everyone” now knows about him. They’re happy for me, they’ve seen his pics, commented on his good looks, and recognized how sad I would be when I left Medellin to go back to Europe. They’ve become invested in my relationship with him.
Until now, when I’ve posted a pic of one of my other partners, Benjamin or Stefan, on any social media, I post pics of us with other pics. Generally, pics of the adventures we are having that day; wandering around downtown Berlin, buying a Christmas tree, etc., but not usually a pic of just them, or just us. I do make loving notes in the comments, “Loved my day with THIS GUY!” etc. But I haven’t gushed about them like I do when I post about DJDM. They could be friends I’m hanging out with. That was partially intentional, partially not. Trying not to let too many of my Facebook “friends” in on the “polyamorous secret,” but also, even when I was monogamous, I never made a big deal of my relationships, until they were really serious.
I always found it interesting though, no one ever noticed these were pics of two different men.
I always found it interesting though, no one ever noticed these were pics of two different men. I blame the fact that while people are generally interested in other people’s lives, they are more interested in their own than the real details of mine. (Bonus really!) Plus, Stefan and Benjamin are both tall, sandy-haired, bearded Northern Europeans. They look similar enough that when seen in random travel posts, mixed in with other photos, they might not even be noticed as two different guys. (That’s my theory anyway.)
Just a side note, my actual family is aware of my relationship practices. My sister is also in an open relationship, so no concerns there. My brother simply loves me and even though he doesn’t agree with my choices, he doesn’t have a problem with them either. He recently made a comment about my “fellas” in the family chat group. My mom hates that I am non-monogamous but she knows about my lifestyle. She told my sister once that she was very worried about how I would present this to the “world” and how would she deal with it. So far, I haven’t “come out” as polyamorous, but now?
Now, I am back in Germany where I will see both of my other partners and will continue to post the same kind of pics I have always posted of them and our relationships. But now, many of my “ Facebook Fam” are invested in my relationship with DJDM. Seeing posts with me hugging on and having adventures with my German partners could cause questions I hadn’t really planned on them asking, or on me answering!
By sharing my excitement and love for DJDM on my social media, did I just force my own hand? My relationship with him appears to be “traditional” from the outside, mostly because I just haven’t ever shared my relationship with my other partners the same way. (I haven’t had this intense of a relationship since my ex-husband.) But my relationship with DJDM is definitely an open polyamorous one, so posting pics of my other partners is completely acceptable and expected… for us.
But how will it come across to others in my small social media world? Will they even notice? Will I get private messages asking me if everything is ok with me and DJDM? Questions asking why I am posting pics of other men? Or will they assume we’re just friends? Will they notice? Will I ever know the answers to these questions? LOL
This is an interesting social experiment.
I have been here in Berlin for a week and in my first days, I posted a pic of me and Stefan in the car together. A selfie in which he is leaning his head totally against mine and we’re both grinning like cats who ate the canary! My caption was, “So happy! (Big Puffy Heart) This guy picked me up from the airport and we’ve been able to spend quality time together right away!”
The photo has 15 likes (the post has 70+) and because someone made a comment below it, the pic itself has been separated from the post and people are seeing it alone. So far, no questions, nor relationship comments. This is an interesting social experiment.
Back in June, I posted a pic of my flat in Medellin. On the wall, I have a pic of me and Benjamin and a pic of me and Stefan- didn’t realize it- since they are just part of my daily life. One friend, who I believe IS aware of my relationship style asked, “Whats with the dudes on the wall?” I only answered, “Well you know I have good reasons to go back to Germany right?!” No one said anything else on that picture either.
I’m going to see Benjamin in about 10 days and I am staying for almost a week. There will be pics of him, even more than there have been of Stefan. I guess we’ll see. Have I outed myself as polyamorous? Or not?
Check out this post describing my relationship structures with these three amazing humans!