Tips for Hinges: How to Manage Being the Middle Partner
Remember that along with double the load, you also get double the love
For most of us, polyamory means that sooner or later we end up in multiple relationships at the same time. When this happens, you’re the so-called hinge between your partners. I’ve been there before, when I was simultaneously in a relationship with both James and Tom. James has also been a hinge, from the very start of our relationship, between myself and his wife, Annie. We’ve all made our share of mistakes in hinging (and dating a hinge), so here’s a few of our take-aways!
Assign Responsibility to the Appropriate Partner
When I was dating James and Tom, I got lucky. Neither guy was jealous, like, at all. Both were perfectly fine with… whatever. They didn’t care if I canceled last minute or had little time to see them. Both were so go-with-the-flow I never faced the struggle of balancing out the things I could offer them.
In the relationship James has with Annie and myself, things haven’t been quite as easy. Both Annie and I have more needs and sometimes — those needs conflict. For a long time, Annie and I have tried to put the responsibilities of having our needs met with each other. While we both gave it our best shot, we could never quite manage, which led to resentment.
Here’s my biggest take-away: although we all had the best intentions, the biggest problem was that we didn’t leave the responsibilities where they were supposed to be: with James. I’ll give you an example.
Let’s imagine a situation where James would be at Annie’s place, and would meet me at 6. But then he runs way late and Annie knows. Whose responsibility is it to make sure that James is on time (or communicating about it)? The correct answer: James’, not Annies. Of course, as metas (people sharing a partner) you can be sensitive of each other’s feelings. Of course, Annie could let me know he’s running late. But that doesn’t mean that she’s responsible for doing so, or that I can fault her if she doesn’t.
Although we all had the best intentions, the biggest problem was that we didn’t leave the responsibilities where they were supposed to be: with James.
Basically, managing expectations, sticking to agreements, and everything that’s part of a regular relationship, is still very much the responsibility of the hinge, no matter how many partners they are involved with. While it’s super tempting to absolve the hinge of their responsibility by shifting it on one of the people they’re dating (‘Oh, if only Annie did X’ or ‘If only Annie didn’t do Y’), it doesn’t work for a very simple reason: Annie isn’t the one choosing to be in a relationship with me, so she has no partner obligations towards me.
Manage Expectations
This is another hugely important aspect of hinging. The hinge may make agreements with one partner, influencing their other partners. For instance, the hinge may plan a vacation with partner A, meaning they won’t see partner B for several weeks.
In some polycules, such decisions are only made after all partners have been consulted. Right now, Annie and I both have set days we see James, so if James wants to schedule something with one of us on the day he’d normally see the other, this is something that would be discussed first (although we generally try to be accommodating).
How much in-the-loop-keeping is needed will depend on the relationship.
In other polycules (especially where partners are solo-poly), there is more autonomy. For instance, Tom has always made plans when he felt like it, without consulting all of his other partners first. If this is the case, it’s still the hinge’s responsibility to keep everyone involved in the loop, but only to the extent that’s agreed upon.
How much in-the-loop-keeping is needed will depend on the relationship. In some relationships, partners agree to tell each other everything. In others, it’s more of a need-to-know basis. For instance, Tom would tell me if he’d leave the country for several months, but generally wouldn’t keep me in the loop about his daily plans.
Verbalize Implicit Long Term Agreements
On the other hand, some of the agreements are more long-term. For instance, when James and I started dating, he and Annie already agreed they would only have safe sex with other partners. James told me about this agreement early on, so I knew what to expect.
Note that some agreements are implicit, especially when a couple opens up. For instance, even if an existing couple doesn’t specifically agree to only have children together, there is often a hidden assumption that this is the case. As a hinge, try to get clear on any implicit and/or explicit agreements you may have with your partners and be clear about them with your other partners.
Honor Your Agreements
Speaking of existing agreements… as a hinge, you’re responsible for honoring your agreements. This also means being careful with the agreements you make.
Let’s imagine that partner A once asked you to never spend more than one night a week away from home and you agreed. Then, partner B came along, and your relationship has progressed to the point where you want to spend more than just one night a week with them.
It’s wise to consider the implications of any agreements before you enter them.
As a hinge, you don’t get to put the blame for not being able to spend more time with B on partner A. After all, it’s an agreement you entered. While of course you may be able to agree on something else with partner A, or you may even eventually conclude that A and yourself are no longer compatible because your needs don’t match, honoring your agreements is your job as a hinge, just like it would be your job to honor agreements you’ve made with your partner in a monogamous relationship.
Personally, I think it’s wise to consider the implications of any agreements before you enter them. While you may be able to renegotiate them later, you can’t automatically assume that your partner will want to. If you already expect you won’t be able or willing to honor an agreement, why have one in the first place (Paradise by the Dashboard Light vibes).
Allow Partners to Express Their Needs
One thing I know many hinges struggle with, is when they feel overburdened. When their partners’ combined needs are more than what the hinge can manage. I get that, it’s frustrating, especially if you have a hard time letting people down. Still, letting people down and allowing them to express their needs, even if you can’t meet those, is another job you have as a hinge.
I’m not saying you *should* let people down, but there may be situations where you’ll have to. It’s not fair to blame your partners for having more needs than you can (or want to) meet. Meeting (or deciding not to meet, which is also totally valid) needs is ultimately your responsibility. Asking your partners to keep their needs to themselves, just so you don’t have to face the feeling of having to disappoint them, is simply avoiding this responsibility and shoving it onto others.
Be Brave
Being a hinge certainly isn’t always easy. You have responsibilities to each individual partner, as you would in monogamous relationships, as well as the responsibility to manage conflicting needs. Being a hinge doesn’t mesh with being a people-pleaser. Things may get messy. You may find your partners are sometimes disappointed. But down the line, you may find that it’s also incredibly rewarding.
With time, you’ll find that hinging is just another skill. You live, you learn. And you don’t just get double the load, you also get double the love.
In non-monogamy, there is no blueprint for ‘the right type of relationship’. That’s why we created a deck of Polyamory Conversation Cards that help you define and communicate your needs and boundaries in the many different aspects of polyamorous relationships. In 49 prompts, you’ll explore topics such as emotional security, sexuality, and practical matters. Grab your deck in the webshop!
