When “The One” Isn’t Enough

There are always risks, monogamous, or not. It’s up to us to take it, and see if we can make it work.

Photo by The HK Photo Company on Unsplash

She sat on the hotel bed where I made out with a different girl just a few hours ago. She was frozen. I tried to hold her and, for the first time, she pushed me away. The feeling that I made a terrible mistake crept on me like water slowly filling a tank.

“I knew this was coming eventually,” she whispered, tears forming on the sides of her eyes. “But I didn’t expect it would be this… real.”

During our earlier dates, I confessed to her that I might be polyamorous; It felt more natural for me to love and commit to several partners.

Over the next few months, we talked about it and figured that we wanted each other enough to see if it can work. So we agreed to occasionally date other people. And we always told each other everything. Honesty and communication were non-negotiable.

Until recently, we’ve both only had a few send-off kisses with other partners. We gauged our feelings. Were we both okay with it? The answer was a confident “yes!” Then I got farther with a certain girl. We gauged again. And things may not be as confident anymore.

Being Polyamorous, in my case, is like being deeply convinced you’re a fisherman — that you’re meant for ships, waves, swimming, and fishing — despite never having waded in the sea.

But how do I explain that Polyamory, to me, was never a matter of “enough”? It was never about having more.

I’ve never been in a relationship with more than one person at a time. And I don’t personally know anyone who identifies as I do.

But I’d be lying to myself if I denied the innate way I felt.

I live in a place where the bible strictly reigns; where conformity to old customs prevails and romantic happiness is boxed in 18th-century-style nuclear marriages. Forget negative stigma. In my limited world, Polyamory is too alien to be discriminated upon. Even my closest friends could only give me confused looks, or jokes about converting to Islam when I tell them about my potentially polyamorous feelings.