Why One Penis Policies Aren’t Doing You Any Favors
You dick is not your only added value in a relationship
I love my sex toys. I’m not saying a good vibrator is a girl’s best friend, but it’s likely to make the top 10. Luckily, none of my boyfriends have ever felt threatened by any of my vibrators, not when I was still in monogamous relationships, nor when I switched to polyamory.
Surprisingly, although no one I know is afraid of losing the comparison to a vibe, one of the many forms of practicing polyamory is the one penis policy. Here’s how it works: there is a person with a penis (in my experience usually identifying as a heterosexual man), who is seeing either one or multiple people without a penis (usually identifying as women). All the women involved may date whomever they want… as long as no other penises are involved. Basically they can either date other women, or anyone queer who might identify as a man, but doesn’t have a dick.
Again, this is an article I didn’t know was worth writing until someone told me they were unaware of the reasons why this is frowned upon. So let’s look at why the one penis policy (commonly known as a OPP) doesn’t do anyone any favors, including the dick or its owner.
One dick to bind them all
One of the issues with OPP is the power disbalance it creates. One person can date whomever they want, the other(s) can’t. Of course, the person imposing OPP might counter this by the fact that they won’t date anyone with a penis either, but this honestly isn’t much of a sacrifice if they’re not attracted to penises either way. Ironically, if the penis person is proposed a one-pussy-policy they suddenly feel wronged. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Ironically, if the penis person is proposed a one-pussy-policy they suddenly feel wronged. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
So here we have a relationship with one-sided rules. Although there are plenty of relationships with consensual unequal power dynamics, the entire purpose of such dynamics is to create a balance where one party can feel secure despite the lack of control. For this to happen, the person in control has to pay close attention to the one surrendering in order to meet their needs. However, in most cases, the penis person asking for OPP doesn’t do so for their partner’s sake. And what do we call an intentional power disbalance that isn’t there to serve everyone involved? That’s right, we call it abuse.
Tell me again how everyone is okay with it
Now at this point, you may think: well, what if everyone is actually on board with the OPP thing? The women involved may actually not even *want* to date or fuck anyone with a penis. They are perfectly happy with just exploring the part of their sexuality where they engage with non-penis-bodies.
That’s cool, of course. I totally relate.
Also, if this is actually the case, why would you need a set of rules around this?
Rules aren’t intended for things that aren’t an issue. We don’t go around making rules for things that won’t happen anyway, that’s just a waste of everyone’s time.
So if you do need the one penis rule, my guess is that it controls behavior that might be different otherwise. To put it in other words: sure, everyone might say that they don’t even want more penises in their life, but I’m guessing we all know that without the rule, this wouldn’t be quite 100% true.
Biology is male cow poop
Another argument I came across recently is the one of biology/nature/evolution. “Well yeah, it may not *seem* fair, but isn’t it nature that a male has sex with multiple females, while a female just sticks to one male.”
I can’t emphasize enough the amount of utter bullshit this is.
First of all, if this is actually biology, then again: I’m pretty sure you don’t need to set rules for this. You don’t set rules about people having to poop, it just happens. And why does it happen? Because it’s biology. You also probably don’t have any rules around not drowning or burning yourself. Again, here’s why: because it’s biology, our biological response is to not put body parts into scorching flames. If our biology would dictate human females to only sleep with one male, then that’s what would happen naturally.
If our biology would dictate human females to only sleep with one male, then that’s what would happen naturally.
Well, isn’t this just the consequence of culture? Isn’t it just our filthy culture that drives women to have sex with multiple men, while they naturally wouldn’t do this? Well first of all, if this is the case, then why aren’t you bothered by your girlfriends having sex with people without a penis? I’m pretty sure this behavior is just as influenced by culture. Second, way before our current culture women have had multiple sexual partners with penises. Third, you’re cherry-picking. Of course, culture has an influence on what we do, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, else you wouldn’t even be reading this article in the first place.
As for the argument of procreation…
I’m guessing your sex life doesn’t revolve around procreation. Of course, if you’re part of some cult that only allows sex for this purpose, we have an entirely different conversation. But unless this is the case, your argument is void.
The real reason you need an OPP
So now that we’ve shed a light on all the pretend reasons why some people want OPP, let’s look at the real one.
The real reason why you want OPP is insecurity. It’s because you think that if your partner is having sex with another penis, they will realize there’s something lacking with yours (or even with you as a partner).
It’s because you think that being the only human being with a penis in your partners’ life is the only way you can be unique to them.
It’s actually pretty cool that you’re brave enough to acknowledge this, go you!
Unfortunately, OPP is not a solution to your problem, and here’s why.
First of all, a penis — however large — is only a small part of a human being. There are so many ways someone without a penis can satisfy your partners: physically and sexually, but also emotionally. Thinking that by banishing other penises you somehow establish some security is tempting, but not very realistic.
Second, and I hope you’re very aware of this: your partner senses your insecurity, no matter what arguments you use to cover it up. And although insecurity can be sweet and trigger our nurturing side, knowing that instead of dealing with your insecurity you impose rules on your partners is honestly a pretty big turn-off to most people.
So instead of protecting your uniqueness, added value, and special position, the OPP most likely just gnaws at the image of you as a desirable partner.
Facing the insecurities head-on
Okay, but what if your partner meets a different penis and likes it better? You just don’t want to lose them! Hey, I hear you, this is a valid fear (and is the main reason why so many people just stick to monogamy in the first place, not that it really helps, as proven by the tons of cheating). Instead of building yourself a false sense of security, how about working on your relationship and the things you bring to the table as a partner?
You can invest time to develop the emotional toolkit needed to become the partner they’ll never want to live without.
If you restrain your ego for a few moments and allow yourself to acknowledge that you may not be the perfect lover (sexually or emotionally) yet, you’ll create space to grow, to learn, and to improve yourself.
You can work on techniques that will bring your partner(s) pleasure. You can invest time to develop the emotional toolkit needed to become the partner they’ll never want to live without. In short: you can look at the many ways you can become better as the person making them happy.
And if you do… your penis will no longer be your only added value.
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