Doubt Begets Doubt
the double-edged (and sometimes addictive) tool of skepticism in worship
The funny thing about Doubt is that it’s enriching when approached the right way. When it is approached the wrong way, mentalities, emotions and certainty can begin to spiral.
It starts small. Something is just a little more off than it was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.You might feel lonesome or muted or simply bored and the little ‘ ? ’creeps in the corners where you wish your deities were. If you know how to handle this very specific, very common emotion, it will make your faith stronger.
I have a lot of doubt in my worship — before I came back to polytheism, I used to think I wasn’t very adamant about being agnostic. Until I found this incredibly deep root of Doubt. It price-matches the faith I have for my deities. The stronger my bonds with a god are, the stronger the doubt will be when it hits.
I just can’t seem to shake the doubt.
That’s okay.
I get to say “that’s okay” because right now, it is okay.
A little bit of doubt will help you decide if it’s better to do a prayer in the morning or the evening. It will tell you if it’s time to offer a meal. It will tell you that they love you. If you are wondering “should I…?”, then you’re in the right place because you will need to ask questions in your worship!
Sometimes the “should I…?” evolves in to bigger Q’s.
- “Why not this?”
- “Where to now?”
- “What the heck is going on?”
(this is my most common phrase used while shaking sticks at the sky)
All of these questions can be maintained and I believe that they are healthy sentiments— it’s not the answer that’s important, but the worshiper’s interpretation of an answer. Because that shows how you used the tool.
- “Why not this?” Because my god does not condone aggression.
- “Where to now?” To the place where I offer thanks to the gods.
- “What the heck is going on?” We’re just taking a detour right now.
Doubt can happen spontaneously but it always starts from a catalyst.
When things don’t feel quite right, the doubt incurs and then: doubt begets doubt. Many times in my experience, the doubt is a feeling deliberately caused by the gods. I can acknowledge that it probably serves a purpose — but that doesn’t stop it from sucking.
So, when it sucks, I try as hard as I can to think of my most absent deities in comparison with my present ones.
These are gods that I do not “hear” from — Seen at 03:21am — and still, I worship them. If I have that level of dedication to deities who won’t give me the time of day, then I can more than foster that practice to deities with whom I find regular solace.
A little bit of doubt in the absence of my favorite gods tells me that I am devoted and that makes me feel a little better. If I have the clarity to draw this conclusion: that’s the end of the process.
I get to move on with my faith.
Alternatively,
it’s not okay sometimes . Doubt can manifest into something that overwrites your entire worship. It happened to me. And while I don’t believe that everybody will go through such severity, I do believe that it can be easy to slip into a little.
As somebody with a lot of doubt, I’ve been here enough to know exactly how it will play out (even if I can’t seem to stop it).
These are the stages that I go through:
- The Necessity — needing the gods in their absence, big or small. trying everything to get an answer out of someone
- The Hollowness — feeling incomplete and lonesome. objects that represent the gods might feel like less than they are, or “empty”. this can be the longest phase
- The Spiraling — can include accusations of being delusional, forsaken, and otherwise unimportant or incorrect about my path.
- The Shrug — remembering that these gods are not my friends, they are my gods. I have love for them, I could not abandon them over something so materialistic, so I surrender to the barest minimum and I climb my ladder of worship again.
The goal, of course, is to cut out The Spiraling altogether, or reduce it to its smallest capacity of influence. These bouts can last for weeks or months at a time. If I can cut out The Spiraling, then I can turn around and begin filling The Hollowness. If I can retrace my steps all the way back, then I can have made a healthy approach to my doubt.
Ideally, The Shrug would remain as a last result only.
To wrap it up,
I would like to touch on the awareness that doubt can be addictive. I’m sure it’s addictive for me in negative ways and that’s why I have a 4-step process of doubt that I can list and define.
It can also be addictive for the good things. Seeking constant reassurance is fulfilling because you get a bunch of reasons why your faith is working! This reassurance can come from over-analyzing, questioning too much too fast, and consulting other polytheists on aspects of gods that you both work with. I talk about the last one here:
You need doubt in your worship —
to grow, to learn, and to love. You need it for little things and for big things, and you will only be on track with your faith when you know how and when to utilize it best. Sometimes doubt will be stronger than normal and if that happens, you need to find the best reminder of what you love about your worship and start clinging to it.
