2017 NFL Predictions

The summer waves are coming to a close, which means there’s only one question: Are you ready for some football?

Published in

PopCandie

7 min readSep 2, 2017

The 2017 NFL season was one of the most disinteresting, arduous, and flat-out depressing seasons of following a major sport that I can remember having. Perhaps the opening day game between the Carolina Panthers and Denver Broncos — you know, the game where the referees might’ve forgotten to throw out the flag a few times—was an omen, of sorts, for how rocky of a road we’d be traversing in the coming months. The quality of play across the league was rather abysmal, Colin Kaepernick’s action of kneeling during the national anthem was made a bigger deal than what he was actually trying to raise awareness for, the Patriots had literally everything go right for them in their stunning comeback against the Falcons in the Superbowl (alright, fine, I’d say 70% choke by Falcons and 30% because of great play from the Patriots) and perhaps worst of all: The Chargers made me second-guess whether or not I should ever talk to a girl again.

I know those reasons are all incredibly subjective and somewhat exaggerated. The ironic truth, though, is that I’m currently more optimistic about 2017’s prospects than I, realistically, should be. I think it’s that, to channel my good friend Tom Brady, my general outlook on life has been more positive as of late. I know that’s a sentiment cheesier than Ashton Kutcher’s acting, and I don’t care.

No anecdotes about my life as a hopeless romantic, or pessimistic foresight about how the Chargers will be a trainwreck equivalent to the opening of The Fugitive; this time we’re approaching everything like it’s the goddamn year of dreams. It’s like the ultimate reverse-reverse jinx: Instead of saying how things won’t happen in hopes that the universe will then make them happen, it’s about saying how things will happen in the hopes that the universe will then make them happen.

Similar to as I infamously did last year, these are my list of juicy 2017 predictions for the NFL season. YEAR OF DREAMS, FOLKS, YEAR OF DREAMS.

There Will Be a Touchdown Celebration in Week 1 That Gets Penalized, Despite the NFL Saying It Would Lighten up on Penalizing Touchdown Celebrations

This one seems like the perfect way to stir up yet another controversy to further contaminate the sewage-drain of radioactive waste that is the NFL’s image. A silly prediction, I know, but I’m confident the league will again try to be as least fun as possible.

The Falcons Won’t Win More Than 9 Games

You heard me.

My reasoning for this involves both analytical and superstitious points:

I simply have no idea how it’s possible for a team to come back from such an agonizing Super Bowl loss. Atlanta hasn’t had any sports luck of any kind, and just as the world thinks they’re going to beat, arguably, the greatest dynasty in the history of sports, they crumble like a tower of Jenga blocks.
The T.V. show Atlanta had it’s second season delayed until next year due to Donald Glover’s lucrative schedule, so that’s as ominous a sign as it can get.

Donald Glover is a Mythical Creature

A love letter to, arguably, the most talented person working in entertainment right now

medium.com

Matt Ryan had a historically efficient season last year, and I’m not 100% sold on him being able to replicate it.
The NFC South might have something to say; Jameis Winston could breakout any second; the Saints still have Drew Brees and a good enough offense to sneak into contention; the Panthers did have a 15–1 season lead by their quarterback winning the MVP not long ago, in case people forgot.

Jameis Winston is a Top-5 Fantasy QB

Speaking of Jameis! I am, in fact, of the belief that this is the year he finally puts it all together. He’s got two years of experience and more offensive weapons — like the newly acquired Desean Jackson and talented rookie O.J. Howard — to throw to. If this isn’t the year, I’m not sure when it’ll ever be.

C.J. Anderson Finishes as a Top-15 Running Back in Fantasy

I still believe in this Sonic enthusiast. The Broncos are going to be a run-heavy offense with Trevor Siemian under center, and Anderson has played well when on the field. I know there’s competition with Jaamal Charles and Devontae Booker lurking, but I’m going with my gut.

Will Fuller V, Being Ranked Around WR70, Will Finish in the Top-30

In general, I’m very high on the Texans this season. He’s a talented player with deep-threat abilities and I think he’s being ranked too low considering how bad the quarterback situation was. I’m willing to take a flier on him.

The Texans Will Win at Least 11 Games

Maybe it’s just the first-half promise they showed during the playoffs against the Patriots, but I’m all-in on Houston having its winningest season since 2012. They’re getting J.J. Watt back on that fantastic defense, and I believe in the ability of Bill O’Brien to nurture quarterbacks, which bodes well for 1st-round pick Deshaun Watson — a big-time winner in college who surely can’t be worse than Brock Osweiler.

Marshawn Lynch is a Top-5 Fantasy Running Back

Returning from his brief stint of retirement, I see Lynch having a monster season for what looks to be the last year of the Raiders being in Oakland. What better for Oakland fans than to see Lynch — an Oakland native himself — going out with a bang? Year of dreams!

Torrey Smith, Being ranked around WR55–60, Finishes in the Top-25

While his tenure in San Francisco was disappointing, I like Torrey Smith as a good change-of-scenery candidate. After all, the Eagles are certainly a much better team than the 49ers. I’m expecting Smith, especially after Jordan Matthews’ departure, to be a great compliment to Alshon Jeffrey and have a great season on an Eagles squad that has some sneaky offensive upside.

Brandon Marshall Scores More Than 10 Touchdowns

Marshall has been one of the best receivers in the NFL over the last decade, and now he’s going to a Giants offense that’s most likely going to be throwing the ball a ton. Eli Manning is also the best quarterback Marshall has ever had in his career. C’mon, would you really rather trust drafting guys like Sammy Watkins, Stefon Diggs, Pierre Garçon, and Allen Robinson instead? Top-15 fantasy receiver me.

Keenan Allen Leads the NFL in Receptions

Year of Dreams folks!!!!

Allen’s injury-plagued career has been a problem (believe me, I know). In fact, he’s only played in 9 games over the past two seasons, which is definitely the opposite of being healthy. But I believe in the talent we’ve seen when everything is firing on all cylinders, and my beloved Chargers have a deadly offense on par with the league’s best. When it’s been on display, the rapport between him and Rivers has been fantastic, and I fully expect the city of Los Angeles to get to see that firsthand.

Cam Newton Will Finish as This Season’s Top Fantasy Quarterback

This one might be mostly out of spite, since we’ve seen a lot of idiotic takes on Cam Newton during the last year or so. The fact people still wonder if Cam — a guy who’s won an MVP and taken his team to the Superbowl—is a franchise player might be the one of the most preposterous sports narratives I’ve ever heard. So now out of pure pettiness, I’m expecting SuperCam to be healthy again and run over defenses like the true SuperCam has shown us before.

Standings predictions

I don’t usually do this, but this is the Year of Dreams! Here are my final standings predictions for each division…

*AFC

East:

Patriots
Dolphins
Bills
Jets

West:

Chargers
Raiders
Chiefs
Broncos

North:

Steelers
Bengals
Ravens
Browns

South:

Texans
Titans
Jaguars
Colts

(Edit: I originally had the Colts finishing 2nd, but then I realized I made the “Well, they have Andrew Luck!” mistake last year and this year nobody knows when he’s coming back?)

****NFC*