Choose Your Character! (Video Games Edition)
The characters we don’t necessarily need right now, but the ones we deserve
It’s the year 2025, and PopCandie Games has established itself as one of the most popular developers in the gaming industry; with its massively successful fighting game starring famous sports-related figures as it’s playable characters; its sequel that was casually announced through their CEO’s snapchat feed; and the hip-hop artist themed title still in development. However, not many are familiar with the company’s initial project. It’s a story of exactly what inspired its CEO, Javier Reyes, to create the company’s first game.
It’s December 2017, and a young Javier Reyes finds himself at a local bar joint — one that is synonymous with the residents of Montclair State — and is seen talking to a very attractive girl, somewhat of an anomaly when it comes to his social life. However, this ain’t your generic romance film, as the conversation ends rather abruptly and Mr. Reyes is once again rejected by the opposite sex.
Frustrated (and heavily intoxicated), Reyes heads back to his dorm room and, although he’s fully aware the alcohol is impeding his ability to think rationally, decides to create a video game comprised of gaming characters fro—
Wait a second, this is literally the plot of The Social Network.
Um….nah, it’s original.
Don’t get me wrong — brilliant, that movie is — but this is some bullshit you’re pulling right now. Oh what? Think just because you change it so that the girl rejects you instead of breaking up with you makes it different?
Hey, it’s not completely the same, man. I changed a lot.
Who do you think you are? Melania Trump?
You take that back.
What if I say no?
Well, speaking of David Fincher movies, I know you’re just my altar ego. If I shoot myself, you’re finished.
You wouldn’t dare.
Try me.
Damnit, fine, just get on with it and skip to the actual game. Sound fair?
Deal. But first, let’s go over and explain the roster parameters since they’re a little different than last time.
#1 Has Never Been in a Traditional Fighting Game Before
I know it’s obvious, I just wanted to have an excuse to have three seperate rules. Three is a magic number.
*Editor’s Note: If someone on the list turns out to have been in some super obscure title for, like, the Virtual Boy in Japanese, it’s allowed. Let’s not act like Star Wars fans with this.
#2 Must Be Purely a Video Game Character
This means that characters aren’t eligible simply for having been in a video game before. They have to be original gaming characters; no superheroes, no famous movie characters or even late-night adult swim characters. Gotta keep it original, ya dig?
#3 No Franchise Repeats
This is probably the most important rule. I don’t want to just make this a Pokemon fiesta, so if a franchise has ever been represented in a fighting game with at least one character, then that franchise is ineligible. I want this to truly be for the Culture, because I’m suave like that.
Lastly, this is going to work the same way it did the last time. If you haven’t read that timeless piece already, then you should so you can better understand the concept of what’s going on and also because it’s free!
Tracer (Overwatch)
One of the greatest success stories in the industry over the last couple of years, Overwatch has remained a fixture in the gaming echo chamber — adding yet again another entry into the lengthy catalogue of prestigious titles that Blizzard has amassed over many years. Headlining the game is Tracer, who has essentially served as the game’s unofficial mascot, even though the story isn’t particularly centered around her.
I imagine her being similar to Sonic from Super Smash Bros. Brawl, except not with quite as much raw damage. She possess the same lightning-quick speed, but the main difference is that her playstyle has more variety and balance thanks to her dual pistols and pulse bomb. Unlike Sonic, not all of her attacks rely on making contact up close, which gives her a nice advantage. Easy-to-learn, hard-to-master kind of character.
Attack: 4
Defense: 2
Speed: 10
Special: 9
Intro: [kisses her girlfriend] “Don’t worry loves, Russia isn’t here!”
Stage: Blizzard Headquarters
Alternate Costumes: The Flash (color palette, maybe a lightning bolt down the side, I don’t know. I’m sure someone out there has done fan art of this, but I’m too scared to check Overwatch fan art because, you know…)
Finisher: In a move that would make Naruto Uzumaki proud, Tracer throws a laptop at the opponent that has several tabs of Overwatch porn on display and renders the opponent completely dumbfounded. With them stuck in a trance, Tracer unleashes a barrage of bullets from her pistols until the opponent collapses, just like Alonzo at the end of Training Day.
Bomberman (Bomberman)
We started with a massively popular character, and now we have one that’s been hanging on by the edge of a thread for the last decade.
Just think Captain Olimar from Super Smash Bros. Brawl but instead of little plant people it’s bombs. Pow.
Attack: 7
Defense: 6
Speed: 3
Special: 9
Intro: “The Bomb” by Pigeon John
Stage: Your standard Bomberman multiplayer map. (Translation: I was too lazy to come up with anything creative for this one)
Alternate Costumes: This catastrophe
Finisher: Bomberman’s eyes light up with fiery rage as he begins to walk slowly towards the opponent. They begin to beg for mercy, shouting “Please, stop, this isn’t you, spa — “ before they’re cut off by Bomberman shoving a giant bomb into their mouth. “Shhhhhh,” says Bomberman with a dastardly grin on his face.
You can guess what happens next.
Jimmy Hopkins (Bully)
One of Rockstar Games’ more controversial titles, Bully first made it’s way into the world all the way back in 2006. The main protagonist, Jimmy Hopkins, was a kid with a tough attitude and with goal of getting each of the high school cliques to stop acting bigger than they are. To him, bringing some famous gaming characters down a notch is just the next step in that goal.
Jimmy is, essentially, this game’s version of Mario: The everyday man, and the go-to character for beginners. Aside from his regular punching attacks, he also possesses his handy slingshot that can fires like Link’s bow.
Attack: 6
Defense: 8
Speed: 4
Special: 6
Intro: “It’s actually gonna look like a Columbine simulator when I’m done with you!”
Stage: Bullworth Academy steps
Alternate costumes: Jesse Plemons from Like Mike
Finisher: Jimmy gives the opponent a mega-wedgie, then slams them against a locker twice before shoving them into it. You can hear the opponent’s screams from inside, and all Jimmy does is smile and walk away.
Conker (Conker’s Bad Fur Day)
Everyone’s favorite foul-mouthed squirrel is back with a vengeance. One of the most violent and profane characters from the Nintendo 64 era, Conker is here to make sure this game is absolutely not permitted for all audiences.
Despite his small size, Conker would pack quite the punch and utilize an assortment of moves and weapon; whether it be his frying pan that works as a strong close-range slam like Ness’ baseball bat from Smash Bros., a shotgun that deals a ton of damage at the cost of speed and accuracy, and a chainsaw rushing attack.
He doesn’t have much defense or speed, and can get put in a tough spot in close-range situations, but if you practice with him enough he’s one of the more dangerous, wild-card fighters you can play as.
Attack: 9
Defense: 4
Speed: 2
Special: 10
Intro: “You’re getting plastered tonight.”
Stage: The bar from the opening of the game. There are also characters from Bad Fur Day in the background cheering as the fight goes on, with the audience wearing shirts that have the faces of whichever fighters are going up against each other.
Alternate Costumes: Matrix Outfit
Finisher: Conker decides to celebrate his victory by drinking copious amounts of alcoholic beverages that cause him to vomit all over his opponent. Completely drenched and exhausted, the opponent walks off the screen in shame.
Cuphead (Cuphead)
The man, the myth, the legend — and also the character from my 2017 Game of the Year choice (fight me).
Cuphead basically works like Mega Man from Super Smash Bros. for the Wii U, with every famous move he utilized in the actual game being kind of part of his move set. He has his little standard peashooter for short-ranged attacks or his spread-shot blast that covers a larger area even if it’s a bit inaccurate, can turn invincible for an extremely brief interval if timed correctly, and can do damage while in the air with his little pink spin-attack thing (if you played the game you know what I’m talking about). He’s also got great maneuverability and can dash across the air any amount of times before hitting the ground.
Attack: 6
Defense: 2
Speed: 7
Special: 10
Intro: No words, he just takes a bottle of tequila and pours some of it into his head.
Stage: The casino from the opening cutscene in the game
Alternate Costumes: Mugman
Finisher: Drunk on power, Cuphead launches a barrage of shots from his fingers that continually pelt the opponent until they’re littered with holes all over their body.
After that, Cuphead transforms into a missile and launches himself at the opponent, exploding as it connects and leaving the opponent’s body barely still together. But that’s not it. To finish, Cuphead combines with Mugman and together they fire a mega blast that completely blows the opponent away, leaving nothing but a pool of blood remaining.
To top it all off, Cuphead walks over and uses a little teacup to drink some of the blood and then pour the little bit that’s left inside his head, smiling as he does so.
Spyro (Spyro the Dragon)
Everyone’s favorite purple dragon is back! Yeah, sure, he’s got the Reignited Trilogy coming out in September, but it’s all about what kind of chaos he can cause as a fighter RIGHT NOW.
He’d be a very floaty and difficult character to use but has lots of utility when it comes to his almost entirely range-based attacks. He uses a combination of his fire breath, ice breath, poison breath, electricity breath, golden breath, and bubble breath to fight his opponents; each breath has different effects on the opponent and can each be more useful in the right circumstance (okay, FINE, I made up two of those: Poison Breath is exclusive to Xbox versions, and Golden Breath is exclusive to the Playstation version).
Attack: 7
Defense: 4
Speed: 5
Special: 8
Intro: “Who needs a lombax when you got me?”
Stage: The Toys”R”Us aisle with the Skylanders figures.
Alternate Costumes: Baby Dragon
Finisher: Just like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat, Spyro grows exponentially larger and bites off the head of the opponent.
Joel & Ellie (The Last of Us)
I think I’m officially ready to say that The Last of Us is my favorite game of all time (Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal held that honor for years), so it was of the utmost importance that find a way to incorporate the two main protagonists into this roster. Oh, but not as separate roster slots; they’re one combined character.
Joel & Ellie will work like the Pokemon Trainer from Super Smash Bros. Brawl, with each of them taking turns and available to swap-in at any time the player wants. They each have their own distinct attributes, but it essentially boils down to speed vs power. Joel has lots of power with his shotgun and nail-spiked baseball bat. Ellie, on the other hand, is more reliant on speed with quick attacks coming from her knife and a brick that she can throw every now and then.
***Joel***
Attack: 7
Defense: 9
Speed: 3
Special: 4
***Ellie***
Attack: 4
Defense: 5
Speed: 7
Special: 9
Intro: This
Stage: The carousel from the Left Behind DLC
Alternate Costumes: The suit Logan wears (Joel), and Ellen Page’s outfit from Juno (Ellie)
Finisher: With the opponent pleading for his life, Joel raises his bat to deliver the final blow. However, just before he swings, Ellie stops and makes him promise that they deserve the pain they’re about to recieve.
“I swear.”
“Okay.”
Joel cracks the bat over the opponent’s head and the screen cuts to black.
****************The Unlockables****************
Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)
How to Unlock: The character must be purchased for 29.99.
Attack: 6
Defense: 9
Speed: 6
Special: 4
Intro: “I fight for freedom.”
Stage: The bridge of the SSV Normandy
Alternate Costumes: Male/Female
Finisher: Similar to the ending of Mass Effect 3, Shepard’s finisher sees him given three options — only this time it’s the choice in which to kill the opponent. Sounds exciting, right? Well, just like Mass Effect 3 these different paths all lead to the exact same end point. Each button prompt simply states “Kill them”, and after one is selected Shepard charges towards the opponent with that holographic sword and stabs the opponent straight through the heart, killing them instantly.
Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
How to Unlock: Buy a copy of the game 8 times, then wait three years and he will be available.
Attack: 7
Defense: 5
Speed: 4
Special: 10
Intro: “I save the universe twice and that doesn’t grant me the title of Keyblade Master? I wonder if beating you will do it?”
Stage: Destiny Island beach
Alternate Costumes: Sora has a few other costumes aside from his original one that vary depending on the month: September (Kingdom Hearts 2) October (Halloween Town), December (Christmas Town), January (Final Form), February (Tron), July (Pirates of the Caribbean), August (Roxas)
Finisher: Sora uses his iconic Ars Arcanum attack to unleash a flurry of attacks on the opponent to leave them immobilized. He charges up his keyblade just as he does when closing a keyhole in the games, and fires a beam that pierces directly through their heart, literally impaling them with the power of friendship or whatever.
Crash (Crash Bandicoot)
How to Unlock: Record a video of someone playing, and genuinely enjoying, the original Crash Bandicoot on Playstation.
Attack: 7
Defense: 3
Speed: 7
Special: 9
Intro: “Pancakes!”
Stage: N. Sanity Island from Crash Twinsanity
Alternate Costumes: Coco
Finisher: Crash whips out his mech suit from Wrath of Cortex and uses the claw to grab the opponent and spin them over his head before pummeling them into the ground. He then proceeds to stomp on them with the suit until they’re buried hundreds of feet underground. Crash jumps out of the hole then,with the power of Aku Aku by his side, summons an exorbitant amount of Wumpa Fruits and buries the opponent in them.
