The 2019 NFL Bandwagon Team Rankings
Another September means another beginning of an NFL season. The question is: Which teams will be the most fun to root for?
Can I say it?
No.
Why not?
Because no.
Please?
I know what you’re going to say, and it was canceled long before “canceled” became a universally used term.
Please?
….
….please?
Say it.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!?!?!?!?!?
Because, true believers, I certainly am. So ready, in fact, that I was motivated enough to write an entire NFL season preview piece. But instead of projecting how all 32 teams will perform — like what smart, actually-knowledgeable NFL writers do — I’ll be ranking teams based on how fun they’ll be to follow and watch this season. Honestly, I think this kind of analysis is infinitely more useful, but I’ll admit I’m biased. Sports Writing powers, activate!
#32: Cincinnati Bengals
I actually had to double-check to see whether or not Marvin Lewis was still the head coach. Instead, I’m told this “Zac Taylor” — an excellent example of a fake name — fellow will be leading this squad of sentient cheese puffs. Sure, running back Joe Mixon is good (at FOOTBALL, not necessarily the whole, like, life thing. Remember when Marvin Lewis said he didn’t want any “distractions” but was totally cool with Mixon? Damnit, now I’m starting to hate the NFL again and it’s only the first team. These parentheses are pretty long) but the rest of the roster, especially when you take wide receiver A.J. Green’s injury into account, is as mediocre as it’s always been.
The Bengals are one of those teams that are bad and boring, but not quite bad enough to execute a full-on tanking brigade, which is one of the worst positions you could be in (just ask the Charlotte Hornets fans the last few seasons). I’ve already spent way too much time on the Bengals, and I’m pretty sure this fake Cincininatti Symbiotes helmet is the most interesting thing related to them.
#31: Detroit Lions
I’m of the belief that, if he’d been on another squad, Matthew Stafford’s career might’ve been viewed a lot differently. I take no joy in lambasting the Lions, so I won’t, because a lot of their mediocrity seems sort of innocent. Back at their peak, they should’ve beaten the Cowboys in the 2015 NFC Wild Card Game if not for a myriad of calls going in America’s Team’s favor. It’s sad, and so are the Lions. At least Kenny Golladay and Kerryon Johnson will be relevant for fantasy owners…hopefully.
#30: Tennessee Titans
Ask anybody who knows me, and they’ll explain to you how much I loathe the Tennessee Titans. Why? Because I’m still bitter that they stole one of the 2017 Wild Card spots from the Chargers, who would’ve been 15x more exciting of a playoff team. They literally weren’t good at anything and SCAMMED their way to a 9–7 record. Yes, still bitter. Absolutely, 100%.
Also, I’m pretty sure the Titans are the only ones that haven’t realized Marcus Mariota isn’t a good quarterback. You know it’s bad when people start wondering if RYAN TANNEHILL starting might actually be an improvement.
(Shouts to all my fellow Delanie Walker fantasy owners out there, though!)
#29: New York Giants
I love this video so much; Mina Kimes is the dragon of the west.
I’m not totally sure why the Giants decided they didn’t want to be a functional organization anymore, but here we are. However, there’s some sneaky good-bad potential with the Giants this year. Their ineptness might actually be entertaining (remember that glorious picture of Eli we got last year?), and the inevitable media circus around whenever Daniel Jones makes his first start should be worth paying attention to. But that’s going to be short-lived, as the Giants are lacking talent across the board and Saquon Barkley — although he’s the lone bright spot and already shaping up to be one of the great running backs in Giant history — is going to be depressing to watch.
Why? Because he plays for the Giants, and I fear he might waste his prime there. Hopefully, for talent-sake, I’m wrong.
#28: Miami Dolphins
Look, FitzMagic is about as lovable a quarterback for any hipster football fan. I have almost no doubt in my mind he’ll throw for 430 yards and 3 TDs in week 1, and then eventually have the “Oh dear god, he’s thrown three interceptions and it’s only the start of the second quarter” game in like week 4. But still, those few moments, however fleeting and ephemeral they may be, make the Dolphins at least tolerable coming out of the gate, even if they’re one of the favorites to be the worst team in the league.
Plus, I’m a huge Josh Rosen fan; I’ll be sure to bring this up if he turns out great and 100% pretend I didn’t say this if he turns out to be another Brandon Weeden.
#27: Washington Redskins
It could be because he was on my fantasy team last year, but I love Old Man AP. He had one of the best seasons an RB of his age has ever had and did so while on my fantasy team. The return of Derrius Guice will probably eat into Peterson’s workload and make him less relevant, but I still respect it. Plus, I think their defense could be at least semi-competent with their respectable core of defensive linemen and the addition of first-round pick Montez Sweat.
The ceiling of the team all depends on how Washington will use rookie quarterback Dwayne Haskins, who was taken 15th overall in last year’s draft. One of my favorite annual traditions in the NFL is when early-round-quarterback picks are thrown into the starting position earlier than their coaching staff said (e.g. Deshaun Watson, literally at halftime of week 1). Keep this team on your potential watch list.
#26: Denver Broncos
Oh my god, somebody stop John Elway! He’s not sober! He just traded for Joe Flacco!
….
Yet, there’s something oddly endearing about Flacco heading into this season. It’s such a silly thing to believe he can still be effective in 2019, but maybe there’s something to be said for his playoff experience and the fact that the Broncos defense should remain a formidable bunch with guys like Von Miller and Bradley Chubb.
#25: New England Patriots
The only reason I didn’t rank them lower was because of Josh Gordon’s reinstatement, who I can’t help but root for every time. So relax, Boston fans, you’ve won 6 Super Bowls. Rooting/getting excited for the Pats is like donating money to a Kickstarter for Kylie Jenner to become a billionaire instead of just being a millionaire.
#24: Buffalo Bills
Even though the whole “Bills Mafia” thing feels like a fanbase that wasn’t creative enough to find an identity that doesn't play right into stereotypes people have about football fans — especially men who are football fans (i.e. “We like to break our tables at tailgates!! WOOO!!!!!”) — I can’t help but be suckered in by the whole thing. Josh Allen was secretly quite effective, even if in an unorthodox way, towards the end of last season. Gotta love quarterbacks that shouldn’t be good finding ways to be good.
What’s more, their defense finished the season ranked 2nd in DVOA. The names of their defensive players don’t quite jump out at you, but guys like Micah Hyde, Jordan Poyer, TreDavious White, and Jerry Hughes — who might be the most underrated defensive end in the league — make this a terrifying squad. For the sake of the Bills Mafia, let’s hope the offense takes a step forward.
#23: Atlanta Falcons
I’m still annoyed they choked away the Super Bowl and a chance to heal America.
#22: Dallas Cowboys
As insufferable a fanbase as ever, the Cowboys head into the season looking to somehow gain more fans despite haven’t having won a Super Bowl since before I was born. Ezekiel Elliott may have just signed a lucrative $90 million extension — and they have made considerable improvements around the team as a whole—but they’re still the Cowboys. It’s pretty boring to root for them, because even if their entire team got hurt and they were forced to start the bench players from f*****g Rutgers University the folks at NBC/Fox would still find a way to have their games on primetime.
America’s team! America’s team!
#21: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
AHOY!!!!!
Everyone who knows football things says that the Buccaneers could be great — at least on offense. Bruce Arians seemingly couldn’t stay away from the league and has taken over the head coaching job #ForTheLoveOfTheGame. Perhaps a more proven head coach will be what quarterback Jameis Winston needs to propel the Bucs into an upper-tier offense. Maybe the Bucs’ poor defense will force them to sling the ball even more, which is always fun as far as I’m concerned. Oh great, I’m talking myself into the Bucs again.
AHOY!!!!!
#20: Minnesota Vikings
I’m a little fearful for Kirk Cousins. If they start off poorly, I could see him getting booed out of his own stadium. I’m willing to bet that won’t happen, however, and that the Vikings will use their top-level roster properly this time. For now, they remain here, but I could see the wide receiver duo of Stefon Diggs and Adam Thielen carving up defenses proving to be a real problem for defenses yet again. Plus, I find these “Dalvin Cooks” videos charming.
#19: Houston Texans
The Texans hype is very simple: Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins are special. But after their ill-advised trade of Jadeveon Clowney, and an offensive line that’s still one of the league’s worst, the mojo for the Texans isn’t as high as I wanted it to be high. They’ll still be fun, I’m sure, but that front office is worrisome.
#18: Seattle Seahawks
Russell Wilson. That’s all. That’s the tweet
#17: Los Angeles Chargers
Long live King Phillip, forever may he reign.
While my beloved Chargers have been one of the more exciting teams to watch the past few years — whether it be for just being a talented squad or their unrivaled ability to implode — this season is a little different. With 2018 breakout star Derwin James out indefinitely and Melvin Gordon’s contract dispute resulting in a holdout that may very well see the star running back traded, the mojo — just like the aforementioned Texans — is a bit off.
#16: Carolina Panthers
The Panthers hype is also something very simple: If Cam is healthy, they’re a blast. If not, they’re a mess. So for now, they’re right smack in the middle of the rankings, and Christian McCaffrey being possibly the highest a white has ever gone in fantasy drafts is another considerable aspect of this team’s overall potential.
#15: San Francisco 49ers
Jimmy G is back! He might be a real disaster and evidence as to why you shouldn’t overreact to incredibly small sample sizes, but he’s back! The intrigue about whether or not Garropolo is the real deal make the 49ers one of the teams I’ll be shamelessly watching this Sunday. If this whole thing heads south — as the preseason and various reports have suggested — then this ranking might not age too well.
*whispers* The 49ers roster is pretty bad!
#14: Arizona Cardinals
It’s always fun to root for a rookie quarterback, and even more so when their potential ceiling is as high as Kyler Murray’s. Murray, who famously deferred from playing professional baseball, is one of the most exciting prospects to come out at the position in several years. What makes the Cardinals easier to bandwagon for the rookie quarterback reasoning than, say, the Redskins, is that Murray is expected to be thrown right into the action.
And you can bet your butts I’ll be eying his every move come this Sunday against the Lions.
#13 Chicago Bears
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Bears.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: The outcome of Thursday night’s game did not alter the ranking. I will say, though, that the only thing that keeps the Bears out of the top-10 is Trubisky. He’s weirdly likable now for how not-good he seems to be, but that only lasts for so long — e.g. Blake Bortles)
#12: New Orleans Saints
I think the only people more happy about this no-call than the Rams was Bill Belicheck and Satan.
#11: Pittsburgh Steelers
For years, Mike Tomlin has been my absolute favorite coach in the NFL. Ever since he tripped Jacoby Jones (probably on purpose) during the 2013 Thanksgiving day matchup against Baltimore, I knew he was an absolute warlock. But aside from Tomlin, this season just feels like one prime for the Steelers to make a statement. No more Le’Veon Bell or Antonio Brown drama (and BELIEVE me, we’ll get to him later), and the team looks like it can finally focus on just playing football, which I respect.
I’m sure quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will find a way to start some drama like he always sneakily does, but until then I’m looking forward to JuJu Smith-Schuster remaining my favorite wide receiver in the NFL.
#10: Los Angeles Rams
Unlike last year, the Rams head into this season without the same nuclear levels of hype. It makes sense since they were part of Super Bowl LIII — one of the biggest wet noodles of a Super Bowl we’ve gotten in the last decade-plus. But even still, the Rams have as entertaining a team as any in the league, so the tempered expectations actually might play in their favor. Sean McVay’s much-chronicled genius will undoubtedly have some surprises for all the football nerds to gush over yet again.
#9: Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers is at an interesting point. The last year or so of the quarterback’s career has been littered with behind-the-scenes drama and shortcomings. For the first time in his career, it feels like Rodgers has a different sort of “Are we sure he’s going to be good?” kind of pressure to navigate. It’s for this reason that the Packers — as well as with new head coach Matt LaFleu and a revamped roster — that they might finally return to their dynastic stature.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: The outcome of Thursday night’s game did not alter the ranking. But I can confirm that Rodgers is still impossibly fun to watch play football.)
#8 Indianapolis Colts
You might not have heard, but Andrew Luck retired. As much as I’d love to go on about the many Hot Takes about what this says about football, fans, or even mental health, that’s boring now. Instead, I’m going the opposite direction: I think the Colts could be a blast this season.
Ewing Theory candidate? Unlikely, but there’s something about how this team is being written off entirely that makes them easy to bandwagon. Sometimes when you see people zig, you gotta just zag!
#7: Jacksonville Jaguars
Before he invented time travel, leaped over an entire building in a single bound, and elected the President of the United States, Nick Foles was a quarterback in the NFL.
#6: Baltimore Ravens
There’s something oddly endearing about the Ravens. Over the last several years, they’ve managed to stay afloat despite Joe Flacco quarterbacking their team. Despite their poor offensive output, they’ve continually invested in their defense; they just know who they are. This season, however, there’s more excitement on the offensive side of things for the first time in a while. Their first-round selection was Oklahoma receiver Marquise Brown, Mark Ingram III has been an underrated back for a couple of years now (which, in fairness, is understandable considering the breakout his previous teammate Alvin Kamara, has had), and Lamar Jackson is an oddball quarterback that relies on his legs almost entirely.
I’m pro-Lamar as an NFL starter, and a lot of the criticism of him seems to be a bit unfair considering he is, after all, just a second-year guy. There’s something hilarious about a league that is trending more and more towards being a pass-heavy game and the Baltimore Ravens are out here just being like “No, let’s run the ball every play instead!!!” It reminds me of the mindset that the delusional football team from my high school had.
#5: New York Jets
There’s something to be said for the cautious optimism that Jets fan seem to have heading into every season where they *might* not be terrible. Thanks to a bevy of offseason acquisitions — including running back Le’Veon Bell, who sat out the entirety of last season — and quarterback Sam Darnold’s potential heading into his second year, the Jets bandwagon is a sneaky good one to jump onto. If Darnold doesn’t step up, however (and some history suggests he will), then the Jets might be the most inappropriately ranked team I have on this list.
If that turns out to be the case, let’s all just pretend I didn’t write this, okay?
#4: Philadelphia Eagles
You might love to hate the Philly fans (and I certainly do), but you have to admit they’ve got passion. Last year’s joyride with Nick Foles was one of the best storylines of the season. But now Carson Wentz is back playing quarterback, and people around the league might be discounting how mesmerizing he was in his should-have-been-MVP-season in 2017. The emergence of Patrick Mahomes may be overshadowing just how incredible Wentz is as a player. Combine that with a stacked roster that hasn’t really changed since their Super Bowl run, and the Eagles should be a force to be reckoned with.
(I could also get into how much their players are outspoken in a good way, but let’s save that for another time)
#3: Oakland Raiders
Guys, I think I’m in love with Antonio Brown.
Yesterday’s rollercoaster, in fact, has firmly cemented in my mind that this could be one of the most absolutely positively and undoubtedly hilariously fun teams to keep an eye on in a while. They’re like the Deep Blue Sea of the NFL this season; they’re going to be terrible, but they’ll be so much fun doing so thanks to Brown. Guys! Yesterday the Raiders said Brown wouldn’t be suiting up after his verbal dispute with GM Mike Mayock — including calling him a CRACKER—and today they announced that “Haha, just kidding!” Brown would, in fact, play on Monday after a reportedly emotional apology he made to the team.
Nobody knows what they’re doing. Derek Carr will be terrified to throw the ball to literally anyone else except Brown, Jon Gruden is in charge of the team, and this is their last season in Oakland before moving to LAS VEGAS! Imagine what happens when Brown realizes Derek Carr is one of the worst starting quarterbacks in the league — by, like, maybe, week 4?
(EDITOR’S NOTE: This ranking of the Raiders is entirely dependant on Brown remaining with the Raiders since otherwise they’re not nearly as entertaining and become just another terrible football team)
(EDITOR’S NOTE #2: OH MY GOD. Okay, so since I don’t feel like completely reorganizing these rankings, just replace the Raiders with whoever ends up signing Brown)
#2: Kansas City Chiefs
I think we’ve somehow underrated how breathtaking of a display this game was.
#1: Cleveland Browns
Baker Mayfield is the Alpha and Omega of what encapsulates a bandwagon team. His swagger is about as entertaining from a quarterback we’ve seen in a while, and the key is that it feels earned. After all, Mayfield had one of the most productive rookie seasons for a quarterback in NFL history — especially if you look at his numbers once now-head coach Freddie Kitchens took over — and he did so for one of the most abysmal franchises in sports. To be as confident as Mayfield is and perform the kinds of majestic feats he has, all while playing for the Browns (should I repeat that? The BROWNS) is what makes him so irresistible.
You combine that with the acquisition of wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. (who’s excitement as a player needs no explanation), a talented — albeit flawed — crop of young defensive players, and you have yourself the most excitement the city of Cleveland has had in years for a football team. How can you resist them?
The Cleveland Browns are 2019’s top-seeded bandwagon team. Party on, Cleveland, this could be one for the ages.
