The Independence Day Diary

To celebrate July 4th, a fully-dialogued commentary of my favorite movie of all-time

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

You know what you signed up for, so I’m not going to waste any time.

0:00 — First, an opening statement. To any of the people who had an immense respect for my perceived pop culture acumen but just lost it because I’m saying my favorite movie of all-time is Independence Day: You aren’t wavy.

July 2nd

0:42 — Gotta love the title queues telling us what day it is. Coolest screen-captions ever aside from the flash of “Queens” before introducing Peter Parker in Civil War

1:42 — [Extremely Independence Day Alien voice] NO PEACE.

2:40 — I love this dude, just playing on his little putting machine. Although, I must question why there’s so many golf balls. Like, it’s only a toy that’s maybe three-feet-long, not the U.S. Open. What’s his backstory? Is he a former golfer who’s career was derailed by an ill-timed injury? Is that why he has so many golf balls? Is this a metaphor for him being unable to escape his past?

3:39 — Yup, took the words right out of my mouth.

4:12 — Hey, Alfred Molina! Sheesh, I guess I would’ve been prone to turning into a super villain after I’d survived this catastrophe only to have my wife killed in front of me years later.

5:05 — And there he is, the legend: President Thomas J. Whitmore.

Here’s the official top-5 ranking of movie presidents:

• 5th- President James Sawyer (Jamie Fox) from White House Down — How many dudes do you know that rock Jordans while rocking terrorists?
• 4th- President Thomas Wilson (Danny Glover) from 2012 — “Last name Glover, first name Second-Greatest”
• 3rd- President Andrew Shepard (Michael Douglas) from The American President — Didn’t expect me to pick the one from a romantic movie, did you?
• 2nd-President James Marshall (Harrison Ford) from Air Force One — Harrison ford would be potentially in the upper echelons of Best Human Rankings, including Tom Holland, Joel Embiid, Shigeru Miyamoto, LaVar Ball, and Shia LaBeouf
• 1st- President Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman) from Independence Day — I shouldn’t have to explain, but don’t worry there’s more on this throughout. Also, anyone who disagrees (like this guy) is more than welcome to catch these hands.

6:46 — “Isn’t it amazing how quickly everyone can turn against you?” [Insert joke about Kevin Durant]

7:51 — JEFF THE GOD MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE. Every time I see this movie the two observations I make are 1) That Jeff Goldblum is the greatest actor of our time and 2) That this movie is a prequel to Jurassic Park.

8: 56 — Ethan Hawke doppelgänger on the phone?

9:10 — At least, I estimate, 10 packs of cigs per hour for this guy? Other elite Cig Voice Guys include Jackie Earle Harley, Adam Jensen, and Nick Nolte.

12:00 — IHOP IS TAKING OVER.

15:10 — Seriously, imagine watching this news broadcast with giant flame clouds being shown around the world.

16:20 — Horribly horrible way to die #1

16:56 — Leadership!

18: 40 — Imagine the Trump administration trying to handle this situation: “I told you those aliens were killers!”-Trump.

21:00 — Goddamn, I love you Will. But I’m still upset you betrayed us and didn’t reprise your roll for the sequel (which I refuse to see, by the way). I guess you kinda had to jump on board the superhero bandwagon with Suicide Squad, but 1) You still betrayed us and 2) It was Suicide Squad

21:54 — Like Mike 3?

22:27 — Bruh, as soon as I saw that I would’ve started walking out NYC. Like, literally, walked.

23:18 — Frogger: Apocalypse DLC

24:46 — “A little shaking they running’” Definitely part of a verse he never used.

25:00 — I love those scenes in movies where the kid says something absurd that actually turns out to be true.

26:20 — My mans hiding under a desk like he from the 60’s when they told kids to hide if there’s a nuclear attack.

27:10 —

29: 30 — “I don’t think they flew 90 billion light years to come down here and start a fight.”

33: 28 — “They abused him, sexually.” Hahahahahahaha.

35: 30 — Jimmy is awesome and I love the “Hey, I ain’t gonna judge” reaction from the guy who stumbles upon them.

37:00 — I think that’s Helena Bonham Carter from Fight Club reincarnated.

37: 30 — And now, a series of brilliant lines from Judd Hirsch. “You think we’ll get to Washington and it won’t be there?”

39:45 — “You punched the President?!?!”

40:30 — “See if they have those pens they give away”

42:40 — Horribly horrible way to die #2

46:30 — Horribly horrible ways to die #3 through #6

47: 25 — #7

47:35 — Legit one of the most iconic shots in film history right there. And who can forget that super bowl commercial?

48:40 — In all seriousness, this is still probably the most incredible destruction scene in movie history. It’s perfect. The only thing that comes close is the city earthquake scene in 2012.

July 3rd (Feat. The Goddamn Statue of Liberty)

53:40 — LET’S KICK THE TIRES AND LIGHT THE FIRES BIG DADDY!

Jimmy is a warlock.

55:00 — As the good reverend would say…

57:10 — I still get chills every time you hear the ship sound effects, they just know they’re screwed.

57:30 — “I got you covered big daddy…damn they got shields too!”

Also, this action sequence is truly incredible and you bet your ass The Academy recognized it so. Keep in mind, this movie came out in 1996.

59:25 — Horribly horrible way to die #8: Jimmy’s death still to this very day, gets me sad every time I see it, screw the haters. With what little screen time he had, he was the most fun character in the movie next to Will.

1:01:30 — This is the epitome of the Will Smith experience. Based off this, we should’ve known immediately that this guy was an absolute star.

1:02:10 —

In any number of movies, the character confronted by the monster for the first time always — and understandably most of the time — is completely petrified. But what does Captain Steven Hiller do? He just punches that sucker in the face. This movie is pure gold.

1:04:40 — The greatest delivery of “My god” in film history.

1:07:00 — Really great set of complete destruction accompanied by some chilling music, plus I’m pretty sure Mrs. Whitmore is X-23 for surviving her helicopter getting blown up from earlier.

1:07:40 — “AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!!?!?!?!?!” Feel free to concoct any sort of meme or scenario that fits with that quote.

1:10:00 — Plausible deniability: As far as reasoning goes for keeping information from the President that concerns an alien invasion, there are far worse. This is also like Cav’s reasoning behind what our plans are until after the fact.

1:10:40 — It’s Data! (nerdy Star Trek reference, don’t mind me I’m just entertaining myself.

1:15:35 — “Oh my god…Guys, I just saw Alien last night just let this dude in oh my god oh my god go go go.”

1:16:40 — So their ships and smaller ships are protected by shields…AND we’re down to just 15% of our forces? The fact that we manage to beat these evil squidcrabs is worthy of being in the holy pantheon of all-time upsets ever; along with Batman beating Superman, essentially, just because he’s Batman; that of all the dormant franchise reboots Hollywood has resurrected the one that turned out the best was Planet of the Apes (2011–2017); the American Revolution, because ‘Merica; and me somehow managing to avoid spoilers for The Half Blood Prince and The Deathly Hollows until the movies came (I was too lazy to read the books)

1:19:20 — [Whispers] Yeah, and prostitution should be legalized too.

1:21:00 — Another connection Spider-Man 2: Now that I think about it, this scene is almost exactly reminiscent of the hospital massacre. They’re both incredibly horrifying, and feature some tentacled creature wreaking havoc. That Spidey scene, especially, scarred me as a kid. All I remember thinking — as I used to do when I was younger and saw a scary scene—was how much Spider-Man would kick this guy’s ass when the time came.

1:22:15 — Ranking of the multiple parts of baddass-ery that take place here:

• 5-[Extremely Alien from Independence Day Voice]“Peace? No Peace…”
• 4-The extra shots the guy fires into the alien, just for good measure.
• 3-“Is that glass bullet-proof?!?” “No sir.”
• 2-“Nuke em’. Let’s nuke the bastards.”
• 1-“What is it you want us to do?” [Extremely Alien from Independence Day Voice] “Dieeee”

1:27:15 — [Insert “Bruh” sound effect]

1:30:00 — The fact that our nukes didn’t even PHASE THEM ups the upset-ante of this by 3005%. It’s like when Brady threw the pick-6 in the Super Bowl and (much to my chagrin) still coming back to win the game

1:31:30 — Being in love and stuff! Woo!

1:33:00 — There’s just something about how Whitmore, knowing the doctors can’t save her, tells his wife that she’s going to be alight — only to have her smile as she calls him a liar, just like earlier. It breaks me.

July 4th

1:35:50 — “Well, you still have your health!” #Perspective from Hirsch!

1:39:00 — So, what did we do in War of the Worlds? We went out like a bunch of pansies and only survive because we’ve killed our environment so much that it made it uninhabitable for the aliens. In Independence day what do we do? We send a virus into those jerks’ systems and take ‘em out ourselves. Hoorah.

1:40:50 — Starts trying to make a Kardashian “Name a more iconic duo…I’ll wait” meme featuring Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum.

1:41:00 — The Secretary of Defense getting shoved by the goddamn president. Another thing about the July 4th act of this movie confirms, multiple times, that Whitmore is the greatest president in movie history.

1:43:30 — Oh, and Randy Quaid as Russell Casse is the best supporting character ever and I didn’t really get a chance to comment enough on him.

1:46:20 — Serious question: How would you spend your final hours before the counter-offensive starts? Cause, you know, there’s a chance humanity becomes extinct. And no, I won’t say mine since it might maybe possibly be too inappropriate.

1:47:30 —

Pow.

The greatest speech in film history, period.

1:49:45 — The president choosing to go into battle! “I’m a fighter pilot,” as he slowly absorbs the energy of all the most famous people in history and proclaims, “I belong in the air.”

1:55:00 — Ok, yes, the tractor beam while a ship is heading towards a giant battle station is a massive New Hope ripoff, I know.

1:55:50 — “What about the people outside?” Common sense alert! Also, this guy has like 7 stupid “HUH DUH” moments in the film but he gets to survive instead of Jimmy? -100 Dope Points

1:57:25 — I can’t watch this sequence of them seeing the inside of the ship without thinking of Titan A.E. Take whatever you want from that.

2:00:15 — Another reason Whitmore is a god. After seeing the missile being ineffective he isn’t even phased. “I want another shot at it,” he demands, as the shining light of those who perished beforehand guides this man into the annals of peak-human importance and glory.

2:02:00 — I reiterate: These special effects are very much very dope.

2:07:00 —

“HE DID IT! THE SON OF A BITCH DID IT!”

Gosh darnit, I promised I wouldn’t throw my computer across the room again after seeing this scene.

2:07:45 — Here’s this stupid slut again. Um, yeah, obviously he’s proud of his dad? But, like, he did just die so maybe that’s why he’s a little down?

2:09:05 — Best Parts About the Alien Ship Escape power rankings:

• 5-“They’re chasing us.” “Oh, you think?!?!”
• 4-“You think they got any idea about what’s gonna happen to them?” “Ha, not chance in hell.”
• 3-Will’s “AHHHHH” scream as they just make it out
• 2-Jeff deciding he might as well have a smoke.
• 1-“Must go faster, must go faster!”

2:12:00 — [Deep Voice] “It was at this moment the alien leader realized, he fucked up.”

2:13:10 — I love that small touch, showing all of the destroyed ships across the world. Unity!

Final thoughts

• Is it too cynical of me to believe that an alien invasion like this, or first contact with the Vulcans, are the only ways we’ll ever unite as a species?
• I’ve officially created the ultimate Worst Article Ever Written, and if you read this far: You are a nark.
• The primary reason for why I consider this my favorite movie of all-time is because I’ve continually watched it ever since I was a wee lad. It’s certainly not the best movie I’ve ever seen, but I’ve never grown tired of it after all these years. Hate on me if you want, but it’s just what makes me happy.
• I know this was a pretty bad piece, and I honestly rushed through it. I’m still trying to get better at being funny, or even insightful, but it’s a process. It’s like a journey, really, of me trying to be a better writer. There’s gonna be bumps, and really bad scars, to go along with it, just like this little fan-tribute of mine to my favorite movie. I mean, after all, didn’t I promise fireworks?

Happy 4th of July everyone :)