The Pantheon of Remarkable Chairs
A look at some of the most unique, most fantastic, and most memorable chairs ever conceived by mankind
I have been told many, many times — by all the best people with all of the best qualifications—that I’m doing myself a tremendous disservice by neglecting to watch Game of Thrones. Folks have regaled me with the show’s abundance of jaw-dropping moments, excellent acting, and deeper-than-our-national-debt fantasy lore. Despite all this — plus the strong threats my Thrones-obsessed friends have alluded to—I still have yet to truly feel the pressure to enter this mythical world. I know, don’t give me that look, I’m loathsomely ignorant.
It’s not that I have anything against Game of Thrones; Dragons are always a plus in my book, for sure. I know there’s swords and magic stuff, which is also very good! But as someone who knows next-to-nothing about the series, I am perhaps riveted by what I’m told is the “Iron Throne” the most. I have so many questions. How did someone come up with this thing? Who’s swords are protruding from it? Are they the property of a conquered tribe? Is there a special heritage to it? Seriously, has there ever been a more impressive work of craftsmanship? Well, that’s when I started thinking: What are some of the most phenomenal chairs in history?
I decided to answer just that, and came up with three important factors that would help determine which chairs I’d select to make the list. Here are those highly important factors:
#1— The style of the chair
How aesthetically appealing does the chair look? Is it a fashionable chair? Is it distinctive enough, stylistically, to warrant consideration? These are all very important, and obvious, questions that govern whether or not a chair makes the cut. This might be the most essential factor of all.
#2 — The usage of the chair
Does the chair have any extra features? Is the chair used in a special way; as in, other than as a cushion for resting one’s buttocks? This factor allows for some more creative, unorthodox chairs to make the cut—and I wholeheartedly cherish any opportunity to make obscure references that nobody but me will understand.
#3 — The importance of the chair
One of the reasons a chair is memorable is it’s history. How much weight does it (figuratively) have? Is it reserved for a specific person? Is it exclusively for someone who has accomplished a feat of herculean proportions? This factor is definitely one of the more unspecific factors, which is mostly because I just now decided on it being a factor, but I promise it will make more sense later, as soon as I figure out how it should make sense.
Alright, now we can get this adventure of chair-related pandemonium underway. These are the…[Baloo from the Jungle Book voice]…chairs of destiny, the ones of most necessity.
The Emperor’s Throne (Star Wars)
Since Star Wars Hype is currently in session, I figured it was a good place to start our journey. In The Empire Strikes Back, the Emperor makes his debut — albeit a hologram projection—and in Return of the Jedi, he makes his in-person debut in perhaps the most ominous looking image of someone sitting in a chair aside from certain characters from a certain Francis Ford Coppola movie. I love the extra touch of the background web strands, too.
Style: Oh, this one is bad. I don’t mean “bad” as in not-good, though. I mean like the “Wow, that girl looks baddddd…” type of bad. You may not like it folks, but there’s no denying it; the Emperor’s got style. I will say that, if you look closely, the little leg underneath that allows the chair to rotate looks a bit outdated. (A-)
Usage: There are buttons on the side that the Emperor uses, but considering this is a universe with all kinds of advanced technology, it’s hardly worth any bonus ponints. (B-)
Importance: The Emperor essentially presides—to put it nicely — over the entire galaxy, so any seat that’s reserved exclusively for him is as important as any. It’s also Star Wars, and this is one of the penultimate scenes, so the historical context is massive here. (A)
(Side note: One day I’m going to have to just bite the bullet and fully elaborate on these, but for now here’s my preliminary Star Wars movie power rankings:
- The Empire Strikes Back (Perfect structure, Harrison Ford at his apex, iconic twist, a somber tone that fits perfectly, Yoda, etc. I could go on for days, this one isn’t debatable.)
- The Force Awakens (Hot take! It may be thematically uninventive, but the performances, visuals, and it’s hey-let’s-just-start-by-making-something-that-avenges-the-prequels-and-is-just-a-fun-time-at-the-movies-okay? legacy make it stand out.)
- A New Hope (“YEAAHOO!”)
- The Last Jedi (Similar to Empire, I could go on for days about why it was a phenomenal film. Seriously, don’t test me. For some reason the vitriol surrounding this movie irks me more than the Patriots’ penchant for winning at everything.)
- The Return of the Jedi (The way I see it, you’re either on board with the Ewoks or you’re not.)
- Rogue One (I think it’s a problem that the only character I cared about was the robot and the 1-minute performance by Darth Vader sending those poor soldiers into oblivion. )
- Revenge of the Sith (The one prequel that absolutely matters, but fails to truly capitalize on it’s ideas. It’s still a cool flick that can actually resonate emotionally at certain points, but a flawed one.)
- The Phantom Menace (Duel of the Fates.)
- Attack of the Clones (Whereas Phantom Menace was forgettable, Attack of the Clones felt insulting. Hayden Christensen, no!!!!!!)
The Chair Chris Tucker Uses to Stop a Sword (Rush Hour 2)
On a much lighter note, Chris Tucker!
This one is kind of a cheat — considering it’s only a brief moment (skip to 1:15)— but has there ever been a greater heat-check performance in a comedic fight scene? The “Egyptian”style? Those weird Chris Tucker sounds that he makes? Using a roulette wheel as a shield? Put this one in the Smithsonian.
Style: Despite being a chair from inside a luxurious Casino, there’s nothing of note with this one. (C-)
Usage: How many times have you seen somebody use a chair to stop the sword of a psychopathic gang member? (A)
Importance: The chair, in a vacuum, isn’t the slightest bit important. That doesn’t mean Detective James Carter won’t treat it as such. Think about it: Carter is as boisterous a person you could ever meet, so there’s no way the guy didn’t bring that chair home with him afterwards and keep it in his apartment in order to have something to brag about to his pals. (B-)
The Hand Chair (Spy Kids)
I think everyone has a childhood movie of theirs that, upon further reflection, was a tad bit disturbing. Take my man Floop here, a genius inventor who serves as the primary antagonist of the film. He somehow figured out a way to turn people, like the spies that were tasked with bringing him to justice, into freakish creations that look like Ditto from Pokemon went through years of painstaking drug abuse — THEN FLOOP MAKES THEM SERVE AS BACKGROUND CHARACTERS ON HIS CHILDREN’S TELEVISION SHOW. It’s like if the Joker had a brother who veered towards more of the conscientious objector route.
Style: I’m pretty sure there’s exactly zero people who’s first inclination in modeling their chair is to make it look like a hand — let alone one with faces carved on the fingers. Gotta give the guy some credit for being bold, even if it is undeniably creepy. (A)
Usage: Wait, how the hell does someone even sit in that thing comfortably for more than ten minutes? (C-)
Importance: If you loved this movie as much as I did as a kid, this is an easy question! For everyone else, I presume not so much. (C+)
Professor X’s Wheelchair (X-Men)
He may be the leader of the X-Men and have the most powerful brain in the world, but Professor Charles Xavier is not without his own issues. One of these is, obviously, his ability to walk. The origins of Charles’ disability vary depending on whether you follow the comic books or movies, but there’s no debating the iconic nature of the chair the belongs to one of Marvel’s most inspiring figures.
Style: It’s sleek as hell, and the wheels being shaped to form the “X” is a nice — albeit a tad bit on the nose—touch for this wheelchair. (B+)
Usage: Like I said, it’s a wheelchair; that’s automatically a superb usage for a chair. Versions of the chair have been shown to have a nice levitation capability, too. (A-)
Importance: Considering how synonymous the wheelchair is with Professor X’s image, combined with the fact that he’s essentially in the god-tier of superheroes, this is a no brainer. (A)
The Chair Billy Beane Murders a Picture With (Moneyball)
Remember when that guy from The Artist — a movie I guarantee nobody has ever talked about since it came out—won the Oscar over Brad Pitt for Moneyball? Yeah, the Oscars tend to try their best to be stupid.
Style: Painfully ordinary, obviously. (D)
Usage: This thing got launched like a rocket! How strong is Billy Beane?!?! Imagine being those two guys in the background; if Billy Beane asked me to jump off a cliff, I definitely would. (A+)
Importance: Similar to the Rush Hour 2 chair, there might be a nice story to be told with this one. Unfortunately, I don’t think Billy Beane or anyone else would be the type to bring up this incident again. (C-)
Organization XIII’s Throne Room (Kingdom Hearts)
I’m making the executive decision to count the entirety of Organization XIII in this one, even if that entails more than one technically chair making the cut. Unfair? Maybe. As unfair as what I’m doing to my brain by staying up until 3 AM writing this ridiculous article? You decide.
Style: I may have a bone or two to pick with the Kingdom Hearts series, but I won’t sit here and attempt to deny the excellent art direction. I feel like white chairs are risky, but they fit perfectly with the tone of what the Organization stands for. (B+)
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Usage: The chairs signify a semblance of ranking for each of the members. That’s cool, but also quite mean. Imagine being the fifth guy from the left? His self-consciousness levels are through the roof. (B-)
Importance: This is tricky, because the Kingdom Hearts series is objectively convoluted and more of a niche interest despite the Disney franchises that are a part of it. Plus, Sora (the main character) wiped the floor with more than half of these guys, so their lasting importance can be significantly denounced. Like, “Oh, yeah, those chairs belonged to the guys Sora merked, right?” Alright, fine, I’ll stop hating. (C+)
Princess Shroob’s Sinister Tool of Destruction (Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time)
The Mario and Luigi RPG series is one of the more underrated iterations that the beloved plumber has churned out over the years. There’s a solid story, some quirky humor, and an engaging battle system that can be found in each title of the series — with the most memorable being Partners in Time for the Nintendo DS. To quickly summarize: There’s an evil race known as the Shroobs — a name that, let’s be honest should’ve been “Shrooms” for obvious comedic reasons—that has taken over the Mushroom Kingdom of the past and kidnapped Princess Peach, leaving Mario, Luigi, Baby Mario, and Baby Luigi as the only hope of rescuing her.
Fast forward to the end of the game and you must face Princess Shroob, who’s basically the evil version of, you guessed it, Princess Peach. The first part of the boss is what I’m focusing on here; attention needs to be brought to just how lethal this chair that Princess Shroob sits in actually is. It has a shield, lasers, can levitate, and can grow legs out of it’s side to stand over you and drop laser rings of death.
Yes.
Style: I’m a bit disappointed that Princess Shroob didn’t choose a more appropriate color scheme. As I mentioned before, the white coloring for a chair is risky. Princess Shroob dropped the ball on this one. (C)
Usage: See above. (A+)
Importance: This is like the bizzaro-world version of the Mushroom Kingdom, right? I think that means this chair is tangentially connected to the storied history of the Mushroom Kingdom — and therefore to much of the Mario legend. That counts for something. (B+)
The King’s Throne (Conker’s Bad Fur Day)
I’ve chronicled my affinity for Conker’s Bad Fur Day before, and I’m here to bring it to the forefront yet again. This time, I want to pay my respects to the king’s chair that is shown at the beginning, and surprisingly sad ending, of the game. The image is iconic and one of my favorites in all of gaming.
Style: Truly fit for a king; for King Conker, even more so. Check out the height discrepancy! I like the cobblestone underneath as well. (A)
Usage: I feel like this is the kind of game where the king’s throne might have some fantastic special feature. But alas, a special feature this throne does not have. (C-)
Importance: There are a few reasons the chair is important; from it being the alpha/omega symbol of the game’s story, the missing piece that causes the former king to seek out Conker, and the A Clockwork Orange reference associated with it. It really is a shame that Microsoft treated one of their classic characters so callously. (A-)
The Thinking Chair (Blue’s Clues)
I’d be lying to you if I said the nostalgic receptors in my brain aren’t going berserk at the sight of this childhood gem. I actually had one of these in real life; using it as a seat to spend my weekends alone playing video games. What a life!
Thinking back, it must have been a hilarious site to behold because of the games I’d played as a child. I remember having accidentally — and I swear the thing just appeared in my backpack— stolen a copy of Grand Theft Auto III from my cousin. Just picture that: A wee lad sitting in his Blue’s Clues chair while bashing people over the head with a baseball bat and stealing cars. I think this is a rather beautiful and artistic summation of my life, to be honest.
Style: A classic; simple, yet chock full of personality. (A)
Usage: In the show, the characters used the chair as a place where they could think in order to solve puzzles. I rest my case. (A-)
Importance: It’s Blue’s Clues! Who doesn’t recognize it? (A-)
The Prophet of Regret’s Deathbed (Halo 2)
I don’t care about Halo. It’s a great series, I know; I get it.
What I do care about, however, is the circumstances surrounding the death of this alien fellow. The first time I watched this, I howled. I know the Master Chief is a master artist of alien-killing carnage, but this was the moment where he painted his masterpiece, I’m sure of it.
Style: A super-techy design that works, but it’s actually kind of small — like a glorified bumper car. Don’t mistake those antler’s as part of it either, those belong to the prophet. (C+)
Usage: Clearly it didn’t help him much in the end, but it flies! (B)
Importance: By my approximations, the Halo series might have two of the greatest unintentional comedy moments in gaming. This — as well as the floating volleyball murdering an important character seemingly out of nowhere — is just phenomenal. (A)
Blake Griffin’s Hostage Chair
Sports! Sports! Sports? Sports.
One of these days, I’m going to do the Best of Twitter Tournament, and I promise you that NBA Twitter will be the favorite.
Style: Pretty much the same as the aforementioned Moneyball chair. (D)
Usage: In a high-stakes free-agent offseason, blocking the door and holding someone hostage until they sign with you? Flawless. (I know it was a joke, but even as a joke it makes no difference.) (A+)
Importance: On one hand, this chair lives on in the great catacombs of NBA drama for the rest of eternity. On the other hand, resigning DeAndre Jordan basically had no impact on the championship race. Trust me. I know this; I’m a Clippers fan. (B+)
The Time Machine (H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine)
I assume the initial association people would make with H.G. Wells is that of the classic science fiction novel The War of the Worlds, and that’s entirely justified. Then, there’s his other sci-fi classic with the The Time Machine, which follows an English scientist’s creation of the eponymous device and his exciting adventure back in time to an ancient civilization.
Style: This isn’t too shabby for something from the mid-1800’s. Kudos! (B+)
Usage: DOES. TIME. TRAVELING. NEED. AN. EXPLANATION? (A+)
Importance: It’s a classic book, and a classic item universally acknowledged by all the science-fiction nerds out there. Plus, in context of the story, it carries importance to not only the present period the main character is from, but also that of the past where the adventure mainly takes place. Did that make sense? I really don’t feel like explaining it. (A)
The Captain’s Chair (Star Trek)
We started with Star Wars, and we ended with Star Trek. Don’t read too much into that, though. I’m not trying to make a statement, they’re both awesome; it’s okay to like both, I promise.
Style: I used the photo from J.J. Abrams’ phenomenal 2009 reboot, but there’s also other variations depending on the series — and each one is stupendous. Not exactly unique or bold, but they get the job done. (B)
Usage: There are some functions the chair has to coordinate with the crew, but I can’t give it too much credit considering how many other buttons there are on the Starship Enterprise. Wait, did I already make this point with the Emperor’s throne? I guess you really can’t escape the debate between these two series. (B-)
Importance:
(A+++++++++)
