The Worst of Twitter Tournament

Determining, via a bracket, the worst realm of twitter that exists.

Image via Wordpress

I live on Twitter.

It’s my escape, of sorts, for when I’m yearning to give my opinions on something — or, in a more fundamental sense, when I wish to experience the immeasurable satisfaction of seeing my basic thoughts in type. There’s a certain beauty of the platform, seeing as you only have 140 characters to work with, that I’ve grown increasingly more fond of over the 4+ years I’ve had an account. Not only that, but being able to connect with my favorite writers/comedians/athletes/musicians, even if they’re mostly filtered and sponsored mush, is incredibly entertaining.

However, not all Twitters are created equal.

You see, a few months ago I got into an exchange with a friend of mine that revolved around the idea of the worst kind of Twitters. He, by the grace of the meme gods, then concocted a bracket that could be the most important bracket in human history:

Yes, Tim, I have some thoughts.

Based on this bracket, I’m going to break down which basic Twitters are the most insulting, generic, and flat-out annoying that you can find on the Twitterverse. And, of course, thanks again to Tim Sokol for coming up with this thing in the first place.

The Sour Sixteen

(1) Finals twitter and (16) People Who Pay for Followers twitter

The one that started it all in the first place, Finals twitter. Let me tell you, this one triggers me more than people who say Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was a good movie.

One of the problems with Finals is that they’re very, very, very hard — and people, especially college students, love to make sure the world is aware of it. Now don’t get me wrong, Finals are indeed a herculean task, but the issue here is just how painfully monotonous Twitter becomes during those couple of weeks. It’s like a coming out party for kids who…[dramatically looks up at the sky]…are realizing college is hard.

“Ughh, Finals are the worstttttt [insert annoyed face and gun emojis]”

Gee, thanks Rebecca, and I really enjoyed seeing you post pictures of the #Ragers you were at yesterday with the special bonus of a barely-lit room with 150 kids blasting EDM music until 1:30 in the morning. It’s almost like — brace for crazy theory — you weren’t studying as much as you could have!

Point is: In my experiences, people can be hypocritical. I’m not even going to go into People Who Pay for Followers — which is at least slightly redeemable for those trying to start/support their own brand—and just say that Finals twitter moves on easily.

(8) Drug twitter and (9) “I work” twitter

I’m all for people — well, at least 55% of the time—talking about something specifically funny or uniquely funny that happened while they were working, but the regular “I hate work” kind of thoughts are absolute trash.

“Can’t wait to get out of work shit so boring”

Like, wow, Jacob. Who knew that working isn’t as fun as not working?

Drug twitter, on the other hand, is mostly people just saying how A) They love smoking weed and B) How smoking weed should be legalized everywhere. Annoying? Yes. Repetitive? Yes. But devoid of any redeemable qualities? Not necessarily.

Basically, the worst of “I Work” twitter is worse than the worst of Drugs twitter…I think.

(4) Joke Stealers twitter and (13) Intellectual twitter

The thief versus the thinker; not a matchup, at it’s core, that anyone would expect the thief to be the victor. But that’s the beauty of this tournament, everyone who wins actually loses.

People who steal jokes are — and I shouldn’t have to explain why so I’m not going to explain why—the opposite of dope, and Twitter is no exception. All those comedy accounts love to recycle the same joke used by a hard-working twitterer. Intellectual twitter can be incredibly pretentious, but it’s a borderline criminal act when you steal, dude. It’s really just that simple.

(5) Didn’t Happen twitter and (12) Boxing twitter

According to Tim, what he mean by Didn’t Happen twitter is basically the equivalent of #FAKENEWS, but just on a more basic level. Here’s the tricky thing, though: How do we know if something didn’t happen? And more importantly, for comedy sake, does it matter? Observe:

This schmuck right here could’ve made this up, but bottom line: It was funny.

As for Boxing twitter? It’s pretty lackluster any way you slice it. You know what else? I’m gonna throw something else into the Boxing twitter categorization: Fight videos in general. They’re entertaining to look at, as long as you’re a walking sack of tumors. Like, seriously, I’m channeling my inner Steve Rogers/Jesus Christ/LaVar Ball when I say I’m sick of it. Would these things be as funny if they were happening to you? NO. So cut it out, you phony marshmallows of self-centered trash.

(Fine, I’ll be honest, they can be quite funny sometimes)

(2) Parody Accounts twitter and (15) “Funny” Companies twitter

[Insert “ugh” that goes on longer then the Great Wall of China]

That should’ve made your eyes roll up so far back into your head that you looked like Storm whenever she uses her powers in the X-Men movies. And that’s just one of the many out there.

I’ve seen parody accounts be fantastic, but their potential downside is painful, as Mr. Kendrick up there can attest to. As for “Funny” companies, there is some absolute gold. Sure, they have their fair share of doozies, but I feel like there’s something funny about a real company failing at being hip. Basically: Since funny companies can actually be funny, or be fun to make fun of for trying to be funny, parody accounts are far worse and move on to the next round.

(7) Bleacher Report twitter and (10) “I listen to music” twitter

Hold on, did Mike Cavalier hack this shit? “I listen to music” twitter moves on.

(3) Relatable twitter and (14) Dudes with > 200k tweets twitter

This one is as close as the final minutes of game 7 from last year’s finals (you know, the one that shook the Warriors so much they had to recruit a top-3 player just to beat Lebron). Whoever does those “If people don’t take time to love you then you shouldn’t love them” kind of tweets is literally a living cornball. Hate to break it to you, but you’re not Aristotle for talking about the mundane routines of everyday life in a slightly “deeper” way.

However, people with more than 200k tweets? Chances are they’ve committed every twitter sin we’ve mentioned so far!

Dudes with 200k move on in another upset.

(6) Politics twitter and (11) Life Sucks twitter

Politics twitter’s stock for suckitude has risen drastically due to the Trump administration. Whether you’re on the right or left, everyone can admit there are some POOPSICLES on both sides that make you want to jump into a volcano. Like, seriously, tread carefully when you enter the dark depths of Politics twitter — because you should never underestimate the ability of someone’s opinions to be so blatantly absurd that they fill your brain with barf.

While Politics twitter does have more actual impact and worthwhile importance than Life Sucks twitter, it’s basement is borderline insanity-inducing.

The Hateful Eight

Okay, now we’re in business — and, just as equally important, almost done with this article. I had to think long and hard about 3 of the 4 matches for this round. Tim didn’t make it easy, I’ll tell you that much.

(1) Finals twitter and (9) “I work” twitter

[Obnoxiously hums for 5 seconds straight]

These are quite similar, aren’t they? After all, they’re both technically “work” and produce an identical spiel of #FML tweets. However…

[Grabs massive book from shelf, slams book onto table, heavily blows onto it to remove the dust, opens to very specific page and points to one sentence hidden in the fine print]

THERE IS AN EQUATION:

Finals twitter = less amount of time it appears, but during that prime time it swarms Twitter like the plague.

“I work” twitter = greater amount of time it appears, but is less of an overwhelming force that can’t be escaped.

Conclusion = Finals twitter does have it’s moments, it really does. People can be very funny, they really can. But the sheer volume and painfully obvious attempts people make to be involved since it’s trending is enough to make it one of our Fantastic Four.

(4) Joke Stealers twitter and (12) Boxing twitter

At face value, these two contestants are as polar opposite as you can be: The thief versus the boxer. It’s brute force against insidious scheming, and only one can make it out alive!

This one, to me, comes down to how you feel about boxing/fight videos. If you’re a fan of such things, which there are certainly plenty, then this twitter is probably something you’re perfectly okay with. Like, there’s a defense for it, I’ll be honest. As for thieves? I doubt anyone would answer “Yeah, that’s cool” if you asked them whether stealing is acceptable (duh). For that reason, despite how much I hate to give Boxing twitter a break, Joke Stealers twitter is our second member of the Fantastic Four.

(2) Parody Accounts twitter and (10) “I listen to music” twitter

Parody Accounts twitter is our third entrant in the Fantastic Four.

(14) Dudes with > 200k tweets twitter and (6) Politics twitter

The closest matchup we’ve had, by far. Ladies and gentleman, I promise you I’ve struggled more on deciding the winner of this matchup more than I did on my Comparative Politics Final last semester. Can this just be the championship? I mean, I love ya Tim, but these two probably should’ve been seeded higher. They. Are. So. Damn. Close.

But, in my ever-growing wisdom, I do believe I’ve found one angle that will shine a light through this desolate tunnel of Twitter despair and give us an answer. To me, I feel like people who have an insane amount of tweets aren’t taken quite so seriously. Like, yeah, they tweet a lot, but at least I feel like it’s easier to avoid them. In essence, people don’t necessarily want to retweet a fella who tweets something new every 20 minutes because there’s an abnormal feeling of over-saturation. Therefore, it’s easier to ignore this kind of twitter since nobody wants to share anything from it.

As for Politics twitter? As I said, these days we’re stuffed with political unrest about as often as we see a new superhero movie announced. It’s like the event horizon: You see it coming, but there’s no way you can stop it. For that reason — the reason of being immutable, I’ll call it—Politics twitter grabs the final spot in the Fantastic Four.

The Fantastic Four

[Chris Evans (Human Torch) descends from the sky]

“Wait! Why would you name this part of your bracket for the tournament, which is a tournament about finding out the most awful of the nominees, after the Fantastic Four?!?”

Because I’m using titles that convey negativity. Fantastic Four (2005) is an absolute trash movie. Get it?

[Chris Evans (Captain America) appears out of nowhere, throws Chris Evans (Human Torch) to the ground, uses shield to decapitate Chris Evans (Human Torch), looks into camera]

“Damn right.”

(1) Finals twitter and (4) Joke Stealers twitter

I do believe these two actually, upon further inspection, overlap each other to an extent. Finals twitter is usually a tsunami wave of comments about how awful one’s life is during these highly-stressful examinations weeks, right? Well, there’s jokes involved with that, and that means there’s usually people copying each other and telling the same joke! Formula time!

Finals twitter = tweets about finals (bad)/lots of tweets about finals, therefore high % chance that there are thieves lurking.

Joke Stealers twitter = thieves copying each other’s jokes.

That means, through specifics, there’s two cons to Finals twitter and only one for Joke Stealers twitter! Finals twitter is going to the championship! Math! Math! Math!

(2) Parody Accounts twitter and (6) Politics twitter

Oh my god, it’s happening. Not even the power of Parody Accounts can match the radioactive waste that seeps out from the deep recesses of Politics Twitter. Almost any other year Parody Accounts would’ve taken it, but the tide can’t be stopped. May god help us all.

(1)Finals twitter vs (6)Politics twitter

You arrive at the warehouse address that was given to you, yet there’s a haunting silence as you walk into the building. Stricken with fear, you start to reach for your phone before a “FINALS v POLITICS” sign flashes in the distance. Still shaking with fear, you slowly inch your way towards the sign before noticing there’s actually a door accompanying it — and it’s been opened. You take one large breath, quite possibly your last, and open the door only to see a mostly empty room and a man seated at a table in the middle of it.

“So you’ve made it this far, huh?”

It’s Tommy Lee Jones, and you watch as he calmly starts to cut a piece of a nice juicy steak — a fillet mignon steak, in fact — and effortlessly take his first bite before gesturing to you to come have a seat.

“Do you want a piece?”

No thanks.

“Alright, well, more for me I guess.”

There’s an awkward pause, so awkward that you consider bolting out of the door and screaming as many obscenities as you can in hopes of catching someone’s attention. However, almost as if he’s keenly aware of your increasing terror, Tommy Lee Jones starts to speak.

“The answer is Politics twitter.”

Wait, what?

“Yeah, you heard me. That’s what you came here for, right? To find out the worst genre of twitter or whatever.”

Yeah, of course. I just, I don’t understand, what are you doing here? Why is this such a spooky place? I feel like a group of guys are gonna jump out and hit me with a freakin’ shovel!

“Yeah, that’s what everyone usually says. It is a pretty sketchy place, for sure. But, hey, that’s part of the effect.”

What effect?

“It’s like, uh, a metaphor of sorts. We wanted the final spot in the Worst of Twitter tournament to be as depressing, bleak, and scary as possible. Because, well, that’s kind of what Politics twitter is.”

Um, what? Why so dramatic? I thought this was a stupid little game that makes fun of twitter trends!

“Well, yeah, 90% of it is.”

Go on.

“You see, all of the other twitters that were in the tournament can be boiled down to this: They were examples of inconvenient annoyances. We just wanted to find out which was the most annoying, and figured people would find it funny to see how we did that.”

Well, I think “funny” is a stretch. I think curiosity for the result fueled me more than anything. That’s why I’m here, honestly.

“Well shit, everyone’s a critic. Anyways, we then started to realize something—something that makes the answer to this entire journey so obvious.”

What’s that?

“Politics twitter is the clear winner because, in essence, it isn’t funny. All the other contestants, despite what people may say, are more irrelevant in grand scheme of things. Politics? That’s real. And the current climate of it is anything to laugh at, because those horribly unintelligent, hateful, and manipulative thoughts that lurk our there are very real. Left, right, middle, upper-right corner, bottom-left corner, or wherever else you find yourself on the spectrum: There’s plenty of trash to be found everywhere, and I think our current administration has only exacerbated that to the 10th degree.”

Wow, I guess that’s a good point. At the end of the day, all the parody accounts and copycats are just examples of pretty insignificant things, I guess. When people start getting into fights over whether global warming is real, or whether Barack Obama was born here; like, people really think that way.

“Yup, there’s a lot of anger and resentment out there. People can pretty much hate on everything, you know?”

Yeah, that’s wild. Sheesh, I didn’t ever think this would take such a depressing and serious turn.

“Heh, that’s life for ya kid.”

Do you think we can ever solve these problems? Come together, maybe? Or are we destined to destroy ourselves?

“Well, I don’t know. I guess, I’d say, we might as well keep trying, right?”