Two Buds React: The 2017 NBA Draft Lottery
A series of poignant, analytical, and well-informed reactions to this year’s event
If you’re not familiar with the NBA Draft Lottery and all the little rules and stakes surrounding it, you’re definitely reading the wrong blog. Indeed, this is simply a poorly-articulated series of reactions to this year’s event; featuring Javier Reyes, the host-with-the-most; and Mike Cavalier, my mortal enemy and known Delusional Process Truster extraordinaire. Honestly, trying to react to an event like the Draft Lottery is a stupider idea than trying to reboot The Matrix, but we did it anyway!
Perhaps in the future we’ll react to more significant events! (This is foreshadowing)
8:25 The calm before the storm
JR: The fact that the room we’re in doesn’t have any lighting is a disturbingly appropriate allegory for how the 76ers have been the past few years: dark, moody, and devoid of hope.
MC: Anything less than 1 and 4 for the Sixers tonight is a failure.
JR: As a depressed Clippers fan, all I’m rooting for is the Lakers to fall out of the top-3. Can you imagine? Just picture Magic’s face as they announce it; he’ll be sweating harder than when the tests came back positive.
MC: We need to come back from commercial already.
JR: Oh what? These “How can we make this year’s predictable conference finals sound intriguing?” ads aren’t doing it for ya?
MC: Cavs in 4.
8:40 It Begins (It Actually Doesn’t)
JR: Wait, when will we know if the Sixers are fucked/not fucked?
MC: If the Kings don’t appear by the 8th pick, that means they jumped into the top-3 and the pick swap is in play. That means that the Sixers are guaranteed a top 3 pick and the Lakers pick will convey this year. Then when we get to top-3, the later the Sixers appear, the better.
JR: LMAOOO “Kings 0.0% chance for Number-1 overall pick”
JR: Grade for Andrew Wiggins’ hair?
MC: More like grade of Joel Embiid’s hair. Joel is taking this very seriously.
JR: Is Magic’s laughter/smile more of an indicator that he knows the league will rig the pick for him, or is it because he’s not sure if the league will rig the pick for him?
MC: I don’t think he cares one way or the other tbh. Keep getting dem’ checks.
8:45 The envelopes Are Delivered
MC: Javi, what are you hoping for from the lottery?
JR: (Lol this kid never pays attention to me I swear) All I want is for the Lakers to fall out. I want chaos.
MC: So there is a lot on my mind this evening.
8:46 Commerial for ‘Baywatch’ is shown
JR: Are you excited for Baywatch and future president The Rock?
JR: Are you excited for any summer movie?
MC: Wake me up when Episode 8 comes out.
JR: For someone who talks about politics more often than Antonio Cromartie forgets to pull out, I’m surprised you’re looking that far into the future! You know that we’ll all be dead by then, right?
MC: I heard they have mean theatres in hell.
8:49 The Results Are in
MC: I’ve never been this nervous
JR: Something must be happening! Embiid is excited!
*Kings get 10th pick*
MC: OH MY GOD
JR: EMBIID AND HIS CONFUSED FACE FOR PRESIDENT!
MC: PIIIIIIIIIICK SWAAAAAAAAAAP #THANKYOUSAM
8:50 Knicks Get the 8th Pick, Because of Course They Can’t Catch a Break
JR: I think I’d rather have Robert Patrick be sent to kill me instead of being a Knicks fan.
MC: Melo should have left.
JR: Yeah, and mocking a disabled person should have been the end of it; doing the right thing isn’t one of humanity’s defining attributes.
8:55 The Top 3
JR: Don’t deny it, you know the Lakers are getting number 1. It’s a more sure thing than Han getting killed in Episode 7.
*Sixers get 3rd pick, Lakers get 2nd pick, and Celtics get 1st pick*
JR: I stand corrected. Lord knows the Celtics haven’t reaped the benefits of that Nets trade enough.
MC: Okafor and number 3 for 1st overall!!
JR: Who wins in a fight: Okafor’s dad or LaVar Ball?
8:57 Young Danny Cavalier enters the room (Post-Results Reactions)
JR: Will Cav let his brother have the TV back? This might be the most exciting subplot of the night — the poor kid missed out on his Smite tournament just so we could watch team representatives pretend to be surprised by their spot in the draft #ItsRiggedISwear
JR: That was very anti-climactic.
MC: Only thing that matters is that the Sixers swapped with the Kings and Sam Hinkie belongs in Sixers HOF.
JR: Oh what Cav? So now you’re saying all picks don’t matter? Only Sixers picks matter?
JR: Alright, who are tonights biggest winners and losers?
Winners—Sam Hinkie, Joel Embiid’s national presence
Losers — Knicks (what else is new?), chaos enthusiasts that wanted the Lakers to be decimated
Winners — Magic Johnson, Joel Embiid, and NBA conspiracy theorists (“The Lakers get saved yet again!”)
Losers — Andrew Wiggins’ hair, anyone who bothered reading this