I don’t want to wait for my dad to die, to cry

If my dad died today, what would I say? What would I wish I had said?

I sat in the darkness of my movie theatre, as Alan Silvestri’s sombre score began to swell, I could feel others in the House on the brink of breaking down, some had already been crying for several minutes. Then, as if to break those of us still holding it together, Tony Stark’s pre-recorded hologram rises from its seat, stares directly at his wife and daughter and proclaims “I love you 3000”.

All I could think about at this point was how far he (Tony not “Iron Man”) had come and how rich that journey had been. As if to buttress my point, a minute later, Tony’s memorial floats across the lake, adorned with his first arc reactor- a call back to his first appearance in this sprawling cinematic universe. When Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) had gifted it to him in Iron Man 1, she had inscribed on it “Proof that Tony Stark has a heart”.

Boy, did he!

In the lead up to last year’s Avengers: Infinity War, I discussed the paternal relationships portrayed in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) Coincidentally, Infinity War is a film in which a Father throws the daughter he loves off a cliff and to her death. Father issues…, What Father issues? A major criticism levied against that piece was that, it was too long and bloated. My response to this is, we can logically expect a sequel.

I used the foregoing to highlight that we all have our different parental issues, even cinematic superheroes have them! These issues are not peculiar to us individually though we may naturally be inclined to feel that way. They are in reality, quite commonplace.

I had however, not fully considered what happens after you acknowledge your issues. What do you do next? Is it mandatory that you do anything at all? In an interesting twist of art imitating life, I had failed to consider the aftermath, because I had not yet reached that point of “after”. How could I write about a journey I had not yet taken?

This brings us to here and now. During (yes, during) Avengers: Endgame, I began to see just how unfinished my writing was and as I continued to mull the themes over, this spiritual sequel began to take shape.

I also noticed that just as Marvel had posed the question for my first article, it also provided the answer for my follow up. So because I am nothing if not consistent, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) will serve one last time, as both muse and avatar as I discuss the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s (MCU) portrayal of healing during the aftermath.

Healing can only begin when you confront your issues:

Deflection is easy. Deflection is safe. However, the true “after”- the needed healing, can only begin when we’ve been able to acknowledge and confront the issues.

Tony Stark had a very tumultuous relationship with his father. Slowly, over the course of the earlier MCU episodes, we are given an idea of how this relationship grew from unrequited admiration/attention in Tony’s adolescence, to estrangement and eventual resentment. After spending his childhood with a distant father and being “shipped off” to boarding school at the earliest convenience, Tony had no reason to believe that his father even liked, much more loved or respected him. This lack of and subconscious search for validation, would strongly influence Tony’s actions in adulthood both positively and negatively.

In Iron Man 2, Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) gives Tony some of his father’s research which he had left specifically for him. It is in these research documents, that he finally finds the validation he had been searching for his entire life- that direct vote of confidence from his father. In this direct-to-video address, Howard Stark (John Slattery) expresses belief in his son’s untapped potential while also, subtly, explaining the reasoning behind some of his actions.

This is a rare occurrence, indeed a gift. Many aren’t afforded that kind of insight into their parent’s thinking while they are alive much less decades after they’ve died. Tony was able to have a real confrontation with his past and as a result, the issues it had borne.

As a side note, it is important to address that; while it may be the method being examined, this “direct confrontation” is not the only way to begin our healing. What is universal though, is the domino effect any meaningful confrontation can have. In Tony’s case, the closure this brings finally helps him get rid of the chip on his shoulder and kickstart his own healing process- a process we see begin halfway through Iron Man 2 and finally come to a (satisfying) conclusion in Avengers: Endgame.

Much like his tech, Tony Stark was always evolving, improving. From that moment in the cave in Iron Man 1 when he decided to be a better person, he was constantly on a path of self- improvement and in Iron Man 2, his relationship with his father was added to the checklist. With the earlier detailed confrontation, he was provided with some much-needed clarity. It was almost as if the emotional cogs immediately began to move smoothly after years of disharmony. With the chip off his shoulder, things seemed easier. Slowly, that paternal toxicity in him began to dissipate. He was no longer relying on the crutches he once had, and the healing truly began.

What we would then witness was that, with every succeeding movie, a more “fatherly” side of Tony began to appear. His healing process wasn’t explicit or in your face, he just slowly became better.

Tony spends a large portion of 2013’s Iron Man 3 with a 12-year-old kid (Ty Simpkins) in a father-son, buddy cop relationship but it wasn’t until he recruited a teenage Peter Parker (Tom Holland) in Captain America: Civil War that we would see just how far he had come. Crucially, this doesn’t happen until Tony reaches a viable, satisfactory, conclusion to his arc with his father.

Ready or not, you have to get on with your life:

Time isn’t going to wait for you. Eventually, life is going to catch up with you. So, you need to start the healing process as soon as you can because it’s a life-long mission.

Tony Stark’s introduction in 2016’s Captain America: Civil War is during an augmented reality session. This particular session is set on the final day he sees his parents, the day they die. Towards the end, his mother breaks the fourth wall of the memory and implores young Tony to say something to his father because it’s the last time he will see them. He doesn’t argue or deflect, he isn’t sarcastic, instead he says to Howard; honestly, “I love you, Dad” and informs his mother that he knows “his father did the best he could”.

Sure, Tony engineered the situation, but that’s more growth that most of us experience. The silent healing at the back of his psyche had now got Tony to a position where he was comfortable telling his father he loved him and acknowledging that he did the best he could, mistakes and all. Tony had got to a point where he truly believed that. Yes, his (real) father couldn’t hear him but he could say it. He could make this admission to himself.

This was a point he needed to reach before being able to successfully move on with his life. In the larger picture of the MCU’s story, this was an admission he had to make to be effective in the two very important relationships that were about to occur in his life, the first being with a certain precocious teenager from Queens.

After enlisting Peter Parker, Tony assumes guardianship over him. Peter, also trying to fill that Uncle Ben shaped hole in his life is eager to impress “Mr Stark” and receive his validation. This is not unlike a young Tony trying to impress his father. Having gone through the necessary healing, Tony is now in a place where he can be that father figure to Peter. He now understands not only how it feels to be the son of a distant father but also the reasoning behind the actions that might have made his father come across as distant.

Knowing that life is never going to wait for us, it is incumbent on us to be serious about our healing because without it, we’ll just step back into life, into relationships, with the same hurt, ignorance, pride that will only serve to continue the wheel. Like Tony in the cave, we need to decide to do better, be better.

Don’t wait, cry now:

What was most indicative of Tony’s healing, was his self-awareness. At one point during an argument with Peter, Tony catches himself and mutters “Gosh, I sound just like my dad”. It’s the type of self-awareness that only comes as a result of doing the healing work.

Like Tony, many of us take too long to confront the complexities in our parental relationships. We find that at this late stage, we are wistful, we long for the relationship that could have been. We mourn the vulnerability that was skipped on, the laughs that were not shared, the emotions that were not laid bare, the cries that never were.

Tony is subsequently, able to be a good surrogate father to Peter and a real father to Morgan (Alexandra Rabe). We see that, to Morgan, Tony is everything he wished his dad was to him- affectionate, understanding, and present.

I found the time travel sequence in Avengers: Endgame very impactful. Tony, after all he’s been through, all he’s learnt, is now face to face with his father. This is the real deal.

This Tony has done all his healing work, lost his adopted son and fathered a daughter. This Tony is honest, raw, emotional and thankful. He is appreciative of the life he’s had. He understands what his father is going through and will go through. He is (finally) at peace with the issues that arose because of both he and his father’s insecurities, and willingly accepts all he has become because of them.

Is that not the goal? To be able to reach a point where we look into each other’s eyes and understand where we are coming from. To be able to finally accept and understand the importance of the often tumultuous experiences that mould us into rounded human beings. It should be the aim but like any other desired goal, it requires work to get there. This work can be traumatic and deeply emotional.

I write this with the hope that, it will inspire someone to begin their own healing process. While yours is most likely not going to involve a billion-dollar AR experiment or time travel, you have the power to begin today.

It is admittedly easier for some than it is for others but like every other thing, it begins with starting. So, pick up a phone, send an e-mail, book an appointment or if you want, just start by yourself, do some introspection, in your head. Your confrontation can take any and many forms, I am ill-equipped to tell you what is best for you. There’s no manual on how to do it, what I have learnt though, is that the only important thing is that you start.

“I thought my dad was tough on me, but now looking back, I just remember the good stuff”

— Tony Stark, Avengers: Endgame

Here’s to us, eventually, remembering only the good stuff.

Bankole Imoukhuede

@banky_I