Yeah, just check in with them one more time…
Part three of three
“You can always tell me anything”
“Guys, reach out to your friends”
Representation; A term that has consistently been mentioned and belaboured in Film and TV production, over the years. It is also a concept I have repeatedly returned to, over the past couple of articles.
I have discussed the explicit, more trendy representation — racial and female representation but am taking a slight detour in this article. I’ll be looking at a less talked about form of representation — mental health representation.
We live in a time markedly distinguished by its online acknowledgement of depression and related mental health illnesses. On every social media platform, there are continuous discussions about the causes, symptoms and effects of the myriad of mental health problems.
In this regard, we are light years ahead of those who came before us. We don’t deny or mask but rather, acknowledge the problem. Unfortunately, it remains mostly just that, an online acknowledgement. Beyond the Instagram posts and Twitter threads encouraging people to speak up or for others to make themselves open, many of us are not willing to do the work — the long, difficult, thankless work.
I would be remiss if I did not emphasise that this is not an indictment. As always, my aim is not to scold but to hopefully, inspire all of us to do better. It is more a clarion call to action.
Losing someone close to you is perhaps the toughest experience a person can go through. Loss via a mental health illness packs a different type of punch because you always feel that you could have done more. The process thereafter is almost uniform; you go through the range of emotions, the valid ones and those that are way off the mark.
You feel anger that they never reached out, then you realise and understand that they didn’t feel like they could reach out and this makes you sad. You then feel a sense of determination to make sure no one close to you ever feels that away again.
You want any loved one going through a similar situation to know they can trust you, that you are always there to talk. So, you let them know the best way you can- on the internet.
“You can always tell me anything”
“Guys, reach out to your friends”
To your credit, you keep up the work- we all do for varying lengths of time. Inevitably though, you fall off this hard, long and selfless road. After all, we all have things going on in our lives. It requires you to do things that are unnatural to you, outside your comfort zone. Doing the work requires a conscious decision to continue doing it otherwise, you will fall off and eventually revert to your default routine. Successfully doing the work requires you to consistently be mindful of it because you never know the moment that could be the difference between life and death.
Being there, in that one instance, could make all the difference.
There have been several works that have discussed mental health issues over the years. Many of them have been very impactful (Silver Linings Playbook still remains a personal favourite) but as I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t found any to be more affecting than Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal.
As can perhaps already be gleaned from the tone of this article, I am not writing to discuss how Film and TV approach mental health issues. I do not think it is my place to appropriately evaluate and/or criticise how these issues have been dealt with. Hence, I cannot say for a fact whether Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is an accurate depiction of those living with mental illnesses or not. I’ll leave that to those who actually live these experiences. What sets that work apart for me, that which I’ll be using for the basis of this article is; its relationship with its supporting characters. How it portrays them trying, and most times failing, to do the work.
(As always, I will try to avoid mentioning any spoilers for anyone that is not up to date or is contemplating starting)
I have consistently mentioned “doing the work” and it has probably come off as a bit vague and all-encompassing. Admittedly, that is intentional on my part. No one can really for certain, list the perfect way to support someone going through such an ordeal. There is no manual for doing the work. What Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, in its brilliance does, is boil down the entire concept of “doing the work” to one short logline — showing up.
Due to its vague nature, “doing the work” is often manifested in wildly different interpretations. We appreciate the severity of a situation, know we have to do something about it but because we don’t know what that “something” is, it usually becomes whatever our imagination judges is the right thing to do in that instant. Rachel Bloom and Aline Brosh McKenna (co-creators of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) understand that this is the natural, human reaction which is why in the wake of a tragedy; all their characters react in vastly different (and often very hilarious) ways.
What is your natural reaction? How do you help someone clearly going through the wringer? Do you feel the need to know all the perfect things to say or do?
Maybe if you say the right thing, it could instantly make it all better? Do you feel pressure to perform a grand gesture to remind them that there are people there for them? Do you, unfortunately, end up making it all about yourself and letting your guilt rule over your actions?
Maybe you’re of the school of thought that, your job is to distract them from whatever pain they may be going through or may have gone through. Do you take it upon yourself to provide them with this sort of faux-happiness which could one day, you hope, become real?
No? Maybe? Crazy Ex-Girlfriend argues that all this is irrelevant, that the only thing you need to do, is to show up for them, let them know you’re there. The show explains that you are not“the be-all and end-all” of their improvement. It is not incumbent on you to heal them but rather all that is needed is that you be there. Make yourself available, be supportive and understanding. A reliable, warm presence inevitably facilitates a strong environment for their eventual rejuvenation.
So, while your natural impulses may be split between the bigger and bolder or the smaller and more personal response, the most important thing remains your presence. The most essential facet of “doing the work” remains; showing up, making yourself available, being a reliant friend. The rest just naturally, falls into place after that.
Conversely, it would be irresponsible of me not to touch on another aspect of this discussion, an aspect that was briefly highlighted in Insecure’s Season 3 finale earlier this year; knowing your limits and always considering what is healthy for you.
Nathan (Kendrick Sampson), after ghosting Issa (Issa Rae) for a month, returns and explains to her why he had to leave town and go back home (without telling anyone). He doesn’t use any of the words you would come to expect, but it is obvious that he is describing a depressive state.
“…I was dealing with a lot of shit and I don’t know how to explain it but sometimes I just get (like) really down and kind of negative…I just can’t talk to people sometimes and I didn’t want to put you through that.”
While she accepts his apology, Issa, having spent so many years with a depressed Lawrence (Jay Ellis) and currently going through so many pivotal life changes herself, recognises that she is not currently in a position to have Nathan in her life. She understands that this is not a case she is currently equipped for. Importantly, she acknowledges this to herself, for herself. While many would rush to the side of the broken bird, Issa appreciates that she currently does not have the capacity to “do the work” with/for Nathan and that is okay.
It is important that you know and consistently assess your limits. While many of us would want to always be on call for our friends, the truth is, we can’t. We can’t always be in a position to offer the kind of help they may need. As I said earlier, no one’s life is stress-free and trying to help a distressed loved one when you’re not in the space to do so will help no one.
Doing the work is long and arduous and we can only do it when we are wholly invested in it. To take on a task that is clearly above our limits would be detrimental to both our loved ones and in the long run, our own (mental and physical) well-being. We need to once in a while check that God-complex within us and acknowledge that we can’t be a part of everyone’s journey. Accepting this will help us give more to those we can take on.
‘Doing the work’ requires so much of us, hence we need to make sure we have enough to give.
In parting, I leave you with this (hopefully not futile) attempt to convince you that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is not all doom and gloom. Here’s this ballad from a man who suddenly realises that something is missing from his marriage.
Bankole Imoukhuede
@banky_I
