DRUNK HULK ON DEAD HULK

Image for post
Image for post

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT! HULK DIED YESTERDAY IN THE THIRD ISSUE OF MARVEL’S CIVIL WAR 2! THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO MARVEL’S 2006 MEGA HIT CIVIL WAR! AND NOT THE RECENT CAPTAIN AMERICA MOVIE! CIVIL WAR 2 IS NOT THE GREATEST TITLE IN THE WORLD! BUT THEY CAN’T ALL BE DAWN OF JUSTICES, CAN THEY?

EVERYONE IS MAD BECAUSE THE NEWS SITES SPOILED HULK’S DEATH THE DAY BEFORE IT HAPPENED! BUT YOU CAN’T WIN! DAVID BOWIE’S DEATH WAS A COMPLETE SURPRISE AND EVERYONE WAS JUST AS MAD!

IF YOU HAVEN’T BEEN READING CIVIL WAR 2 YET! DRUNK HULK WILL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU! A NEW INHUMAN (LIKE A MUTANT, ONLY DUMBER!) NAMED ULYSSES HAS THE ABILITY TO SEE THE FUTURE! THE SUPERHEROES HAVE DECIDED TO USE HIS GIFT TO STOP EARTH SHATTERING TRAGEDIES BEFORE THEY HAPPEN! WITH THE HELP OF ULYSSES (DRUNK HULK GUESS THAT THE NAME DUBLINERS WAS ALREADY TAKEN!) ALL THE HEROES STOP THE END OF THE WORLD FROM HAPPENING! THEN THEY HAVE A BIG PARTY! WHILE THEY ARE CELEBRATING, NONE OF THEM THINK TO STOP TRUMP FROM HAPPENING! OR BLINK-182’S NEW ALBUM FROM HAPPENING! IT IS ALL VERY CONFUSING!

THEN THE HEROES DECIDE TO STOP THANOS FROM HAPPENING! FOLLOWING THE FORMULA OF THE ORIGINAL CIVIL WAR! BEFORE YOU CAN KILL AN ORIGINAL AVENGER, YOU MUST FIRST KILL A BLACK SUPER HERO! THOSE ARE THE RULES! THAT’S ONE ROGER MURTAUGH FOR EVERY MARTIN RIGGS! SORRY, WAR MACHINE!

THIS MAKES IRON MAN ANGRY! HE FEELS THAT USING ULYSSES TO STOP BAD THINGS FROM HAPPENING BEFORE THEY HAPPEN IS WRONG! UNLIKE IRON MAN, CAPTAIN MARVEL IS PRO-MINORITY REPORT! THEY YELL AT EACH OTHER A LOT! IT’S A REAL BUMMER!

EVENTUALLY ULYSSES HAS ANOTHER VISION! IN THIS VISION HULK IS DOING TERRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS! LIKE RESHARING POLITICAL MEMES ON BOOKFACE WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE IF THEY ARE TRUE! AND SAYING THINGS LIKE “ALL LIVES MATTER” INSTEAD OF “I’M SORRY! WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?”

SO ALL OF THE HEROES IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE DECIDE TO COME AND VISIT BRUCE BANNER AND STAGE AN INTERVENTION! THEY WANT TO VERIFY THAT HULK WON’T DO THE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS — LIKE KILL EVERYBODY WHILE NOT WEARING PANTS — IN THE FUTURE! FOR SOME REASON, THEY INVITE OLD MAN WOLVERINE ALONG! IN CASE YOU DON’T KNOW! HE IS ACTUALLY FROM THE FUTURE WHERE HE KILLED EVERYBODY! HYPOCRITES!

LUCKILY BRUCE BANNER ALREADY KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING! HE WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT HULKING OUT AND KILLING THE WHOLE PLANET! BRUCE GAVE A MAGICAL ARROWHEAD TO HIS FRIEND HAWKEYE! THAT’S RIGHT! IN A WORLD FULL OF GOD-LIKE HEROES, BRUCE BANNER PUTS THE FATE OF THE PLANET IN THE HANDS OF A MAN WHO SHOOTS A BOW AND ARROW REALLY GOOD!

ON TOP OF THAT! HAWKEYE WEARS HEARING AIDS! BRUCE SAID, “I NEED YOU TO PROMISE ME YOU’LL STOP ME ONCE AND FOR ALL!” AND FOR ALL HE KNOWS, HAWKEYE HEARD, “I NEED YOU TO PROMISE ME YOU’LL SUCKER PUNCH WILL FERRELL!” SO WHILE EVERYONE IS BICKERING WITH BRUCE BANNER, WILL FERRELL IS BEING ASSAULTED BY JEREMY RENNER!

YAY! HAWKEYE HEARD BRUCE CORRECTLY! AND HE KILLED BRUCE BANNER WITH TWO ARROWS WHILE HIDING IN A TREE LIKE A DIRTY EWOK! IRON MAN IS VERY UPSET ABOUT HULK’S DEATH! BACK IN HIS DAY YOU DIDN’T KILL YOUR FRIENDS BEFORE THEY BECAME MONSTERS! NO! YOU LAUNCHED THEM INTO SPACE WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT LIKE REAL FRIENDS DO!

THIS REMINDS ME OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEAN CONNERY QUOTES! “THEY PULL A HULK! YOU PULL BACK AN ARROW! THEY SEND ONE OF YOURS TO THE HOSPITAL! YOU SEND ONE OF THEM TO A PRISON IN THE NEGATIVE ZONE! THAT’S THE MARVEL WAY!”

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THEY USED CLINT BARTON HAWKEYE! AND NOT KATE BISHOP HAWKEYE! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THE INTERNET WOULD BE LIKE TODAY IF LADY HAWKEYE KILLED HULK? PROBABLY A LOT LIKE IT ALREADY IS (THANKS, GHOSTBUSTERS!) BUT SLIGHTLY WORSE! AND IF THE INTERNET HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING IN THE LAST 20 YEARS IS THAT IT CAN ALWAYS GET SLIGHTLY WORSE!

DRUNK HULK IS JUST HAPPY THAT BRUCE BANNER’S LAST WORDS WEREN’T “HAIL, HYDRA!”

WATCHING HULK DIE WAS BOTH EXCITING AND ANNOYING FOR DRUNK HULK! EXCITING BECAUSE THE STORY IS FUN AND DANGEROUS! BUT ANNOYING BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THIS IS TEMPORARY! LIKE RUNNING OUT OF LIVES ON CANDY CRUSH! OR DATING TAYLOR SWIFT! SOONER OR LATER HULK IS GOING TO COME BACK!

IN THE MEANTIME! DRUNK HULK WANTS YOU ALL TO CHERISH EVERY DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST! BECAUSE THAT DAY WHEN YOU CLICK ON ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY AND SEE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW COULD BE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!

PUT YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER! DID YOU DELETE ALL OF YOUR STUPID SNAPCHAT PHOTOS? DID YOU TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU LOVED THEM? DID YOU WALK YOUR 10,000 STEPS TODAY? DID YOU GIVE THAT SPECIAL ARCHER IN YOUR LIFE A MAGICAL ARROWHEAD?

IN CLOSING! PLEASE REMEMBER THE WISE WORDS OF EMILY DICKINSON:

BECAUSE I COULD NOT STOP FOR CLINT

HE KINDLY SHOT AT ME!

Image for post
Image for post

Christian A. Dumais is the only American writer and humorist living in Poland. His most recent book is SMASHED: THE LIFE AND TWEETS OF DRUNK HULK. Follow him on Twitter: @PuffChrissy.

PopCultureMustDie

Pop Culture Must Die is the ultimate What if?

Christian A. Dumais

Written by

Writer | Editor | Public Speaker | Content Services

PopCultureMustDie

Pop Culture Must Die is the ultimate What if? podcast. In this weekly series, hosts Christian A. Dumais and Derrek Carriveau take two beloved pieces of pop culture and debate about which one should be erased from history and then wrestle with its implications.

Christian A. Dumais

Written by

Writer | Editor | Public Speaker | Content Services

PopCultureMustDie

Pop Culture Must Die is the ultimate What if? podcast. In this weekly series, hosts Christian A. Dumais and Derrek Carriveau take two beloved pieces of pop culture and debate about which one should be erased from history and then wrestle with its implications.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store