On Connecting Well
I’d planned something totally different for today, but then, that’s true for everyone right now, isn’t it? I’d intended my first post as a part of the Porch Light Collective — a creativity-and-community based collaborative that my husband and I dreamed up — to be about the only thing I see myself as an expert in: going to design school as a bill-paying adult. Two things that are most definitely not happening right now: sitting in classrooms and making risky financial moves. So let’s table that for now.
Instead of talking about something I’m an expert in, I’d like to talk about something that’s really difficult for me: regular and meaningful human interaction; and an idea a dear friend of mine had that has pushed me to be better.
I’m a bit of a workaholic. Perhaps more accurately, I am motivated by goals. I did well in school and I enjoy meeting deadlines and new rungs of the ladder in my work. A tangible, well-defined goal is my favorite drug and I am, perhaps, unhealthily addicted to them. My husband, on the other hand, is driven by relationships and creative expression and I admire that in him quite a bit. So, while we make a good team and push each other to plan large, fun social gatherings, that’s not the same as having regular one-on-one or small group interactions that allow me to know people deeply. Enter: my friend, J.
Perhaps you have a J in your life — she is fierce, thoughtful, introspective, and above all other things, intentional. We met when we were in a simpler phase of life. We had bills but they weren’t high. We had jobs but they weren’t demanding. We had a lot of single friends who were free to hang at the drop of a hat. Case in point: we met while eating chicken nuggets and drinking 40s at a birthday party in a run-down house that 5 of our guy friends lived in which later had to be treated for bed-bugs (they borrowed everyone’s space heaters to do the job. We’ve all been there). Today, she travels so much for work that I can’t keep track of where she is at any given time and I haven’t worked a 40 hour week in over five years. It was J who realized that our passions and goals were getting in the way of our friendship and it was J who proposed a solution to reverse the trend.
The idea is simple and can be broken down into three easy steps:
1. Hang out with friend.
2. At the end of the hang, put your next hang on the calendar.
3. Keep or reschedule the commitment. Never cancel.
Whoa you thought I was going to tell you something earth shattering, didn’t you!? But as simple as this seems, it is kind of earth shattering. Speaking for myself and those who might relate to me, I can put a lot of pressure on myself to be in regular contact with friends. That’s a good thing, sure, but when I fail at that (and I always do), the shame of my failure keeps me from reaching back out to that friend. In an attempt to relate to people who aren’t like me in this respect, maybe you have some social anxiety that makes it difficult to initiate a date with a friend. This method solves both of these so nicely. And look, rescheduling is okay. Just make sure that you pick a new date and don’t just say “oh, we’ll touch base in a couple weeks.”
This is a great time to employ this method. A good buddy of mine has been using this time to reach out to long-lost friends, citing ‘the end of the world’ and ‘tons of extra time on her hands’ and it’s turned out really well for her so far. I would encourage you to do the same! And, when you’re done with the phone call or video chat or yelling across the street at each other, make sure to put your next get-together on the calendar. Right now, maybe it’s a weekly call. When we come out from under this, maybe it needs to be monthly or bi-monthly. The point is, it is consistent and it is guilt-free. And those are two things that we all need a little more of in our life right now.
