Women’s Mental Load: How to Share an Invisible Burden and Reduce Stress
Do you feel exhausted by the ever-growing list of tasks, responsibilities, and expectations that keep piling up? The mental load women usually take on to juggle everything in an almost imperceptible way can deeply impact their mental health and well-being. Discover 5 ways to ease this invisible burden and find relief.
There’s a list of to-dos in housework that typically goes unnoticed but still holds women accountable. From meal planning, grocery shopping, organizing schedules, managing social activities, remembering everything, and still taking care of everyone’s needs — and the list goes on.
On their own, these may not seem much — at least at first — , but when put together with the demands of your career and day-to-day life, you end up with little to no time to take care of yourself. This is particularly concerning since studies reveal that women still do the majority of household chores, even when the earnings between the couple are similar.
Addressing women’s mental load and recognizing its impact is crucial to bring more balance to your relationships and family dynamics, as well as to reduce daily stress.
What Is Mental Load?
Mental load, also called “emotional labor” or “cognitive labor”, refers to the invisible, non-tangible tasks involved in running a household and family. It goes beyond physical tasks, it’s the constant anticipation and monitoring of what needs to be done, which is a burden often held by women.
It can include remembering to do the laundry, organizing your child’s schedule, deciding on meals for the week, labeling your kid’s school uniform, calling the plumber, and many other responsibilities that fall into the category of women’s mental load.
Many couples aim for a 50:50 split of the housework, yet various structural and socio-economic factors lead to the disproportionate allocation of planning, anticipating, and organizing tasks to women.
When the burden remains unshared and the issue goes unaddressed, it can cast a shadow in your relationship, leaving you feeling frustrated, distressed, and on the edge of burnout.
Why Are We Talking About Mental Load in Women?
The more pressing issue about women’s mental load is that, while it is something more or less known, researched, and discussed, it is still taken for granted. It continues to be referred to as an “invisible burden”, even when most of us can see it.
A research study found that nearly 9 in 10 mothers in committed partnerships feel solely responsible for organizing the family’s schedules and maintaining the home. This role overload was linked to a strain on women’s well-being as well as lower satisfaction with the relationship.
It can be easy to attribute the unequal division of mental labor to personality, work constraints, or even gender differences. Many of us have heard too many times the typical misconceptions about how women are better at multitasking, are more organized and detail-oriented, or have a natural inclination for caregiving and nurturing.
But the truth is, women don’t have a natural tendency for planning, organizing, or multitasking; rather, they’re expected — and sometimes taught or pushed — to handle these responsibilities and become better at it over time.
How Women’s Mental Load Impacts Their Mental Well-Being?
Taking on all the mental load turns you into the sole project manager, project sponsor, and business analyst of your relationship and family. The result? It consumes all your energy as you are continually juggling and anticipating everything that needs to be done.
Most people can’t pay the same attention to two tasks; that is why women’s mental load can take its toll. By the end of the day, you may feel tired, stressed, and anxious.
This not only has consequences for your well-being but can also create divergences in your relationship, impact the connection with your partner, and even lower your job performance.
By sharing this “invisible” burden, you’re prioritizing your self-care. This not only enhances your satisfaction with your relationship and family dynamics but also makes you more available to pursue your career goals.
5 Tips to Help Women Share Their Mental Load
Find out 5 ways to overcome women’s mental load and successfully bring more balance to your relationship and family life.
While our tips primarily focus on two-parent dynamics, we want to acknowledge the unique challenges faced by single mothers in sharing their mental load and finding support. If you’re a single mom we invite you to check out our Single Moms Support Group. We want to help you connect, vent, encourage, and be encouraged, and find solutions to issues that are important to you as a woman and a parent.
1. Make the invisible mental load visible
A good place to start is to raise awareness about your mental load and how it affects you. Recognizing and communicating about how you feel can open the door to adjustments within your relationship and family dynamic.
When you approach this topic, try to share concrete examples of what you are experiencing, focusing on how it makes you feel, rather than criticizing or attacking the other person. Make it clear how you wish to divide not just physical tasks, but also account for the mental tasks of planning, scheduling, remembering, and delegating.
2. Accept that there is more than your way of doing things
It’s hard to divide up chores and housework, especially when you have your own way of doing things. However, sharing the mental load requires giving up some control.
Consider a scenario where your partner takes charge of grocery shopping, choosing brands, and organizing the pantry. What if they prefer a specific cereal brand or arrange items differently? Does that mean it’s wrong?
If you decide to step in and do it yourself, this only reinforces the cycle and discourages your partner or child from fully engaging in chores. So, while it can take some getting used to, be open to trying new things, and accept that others will do things their own way and in their own time. Once you release yourself from those incredibly hard standards, you will discover that sometimes the other person’s way can make your life easier.
3. Put technology to work whenever you can
Integrating technology into daily routines can be a powerful tool to ease everyone’s burden. Task management applications, virtual assistance, and smart home devices are some of the solutions that help organize life and manage priorities.
You can use apps and task management tools, such as shared shopping lists or calendars, to allocate and delegate chores more efficiently among family members.
Also, you can install a voice-activated assistant to set reminders, create lists, and access information hands-free. Or try smart home devices to program the robot vacuum, turn on the washing machine remotely, and automate other routine tasks.
4. Communicate and adjust regularly
You’re not going to work things out in one conversation. Implementing significant changes in your family routine will take time, patience, flexibility, and a lot of adjustments.
This is why you should have regular conversations and plan check-ins, where you can review how things are going, what’s working and what’s not, and how everybody’s feeling.
During these conversations, you can brainstorm different strategies that can help each person notice things that need to be done on their own and how they can incorporate these changes into their daily lives. For example, for some, it might be easier to keep a grocery list stuck on the fridge to write things down right away, while others might prefer to keep a list on their phones so they can always access it.
5. Embrace the “good enough” motto
You don’t have to carry all the weight alone and still expect to excel. By lowering expectations and embracing the “good enough” motto, you can reduce stress and focus on your priorities, without the pressure of perfection. What if things don’t turn out perfectly? Well, it won’t be the end of the world. And, most importantly, it won’t be neither your fault nor your responsibility.
Learning how to share women’s mental load is also about being self-compassionate and knowing when to ask for help. And about reminding yourself that it’s okay to fail. We all do.
