So. Willing. To try.

I haven’t written a post in a while, so I thought I would do an update. I seem to have had the mania under control for a while, but I’ve had a sort of low level depression for the past year that I just haven’t been able to shake. This low-level depression has made me unmotivated and unable to enjoy things that usually bring me joy. Why would anyone be motivated to do anything when nothing brings you joy? This lack of motivation can be easily confused with laziness. I can’t express enough how much of a difference there is between lack of motivation in a depressive state verses laziness. With laziness, it’s usually the case that you can motivate yourself, but you’re doing something more fun and it’s simply difficult to make yourself to something not so fun. Laziness usually involves procrastination. Lack of motivation, on the other hand, usually involves some sort of numbness. Things in motion tend to stay in motion, so when you enjoy even ONE thing, it’s easier to do the not so fun things. When you don’t enjoy anything, it’s easy to get stuck. Depression makes you stuck.

So, yesterday was a good mental health day. Nothing unusual happened to “trigger” ease and a sort of low-level joy throughout the day, I simply had less anxiety and less depression than I have been experiencing throughout the past year and this allowed some joy to well up. I think that some of this has to do with willingness. The cool thing about this is that I only had to be willing to accept things as they are and willing to work on it for the improvement to begin. I can’t force healing, but I can be willing to heal and willing to accept things as they are. This means I’ve been open to creative possible solutions such as accepting depression as it is. For example, depression has recently taught me how to rest. Depression itself isn’t restful, it’s exhaustion for no reason. Depression is a languid body, heavy limbs and long sleeps, but it’s not rest. However, I’ve learned rather recently that I can sink into it and let the dimness wash over me. This allows for the briefest moments of rest which has been so important for recovery. These moments limit the guilt that comes with depression and therefore breaks the brutal cycle of depression by cutting directly into it. It’s not an easy thing to do but, as we know, the first step toward getting out of any bad situation is to accept that it’s happening in the first place. For me, the acceptance has come with the willingness to be open to strange possibilities that might help me get well. We might desperately want to get better, but sometimes the things that makes us better are counterintuitive, and we can’t see these possibilities until we are open and willing to see solutions in the strangest places and to try things we would never have tried before. Willingness and acceptance have been first steps for me.

I know I’m going to get some push back here, so I’d like to clarify. I’m not saying it’s easy to pull ourselves out of a depressive state, in fact, pulling ourselves out of it might be impossible at times. You can want to get better with all your might and still not get better. Medication might help. Therapy might help. Waiting might help. All I am saying is that acceptance might help too. There are no guarantees, but I am so. Willing. To try.

Yesterday, in an attempt to find something that I will enjoy doing in the evenings that doesn’t cost much money, I bought a kit to start cross stitching those sassy sayings such as, “I fucking love you” and “Bitches be crazy”. I am really excited to start doing these, and that helped my good mental health day continue. Since I’m not able to ride horses because of the expense involved, I would like to start running again. Motivating myself to do this is an issue, so I hope that by finding ONE thing I enjoy, I’ll start finding motivation to do other things that make me feel good. Keep your fingers crossed for me! For now, I’m just going to enjoy my good mental health day and be willing to accept whatever today might bring.