What if I don’t “love” my son?
Pregnancy has made me question EVERYTHING
“Once you see his face you’re going to fall in love.” “It’ll all be worth it after you hold him in your arms.” I always hear those quotes after I express to people how painful pregnancy has been for me. Then I think to myself… but will I? How do you know you? What if I don’t feel that instant love or gratification? Does it just happen? Is it a guarantee? Will it develop overtime?
Those thoughts…
Lately those thoughts have been going through my head as I enter into my third trimester. Now trust me, I love my son. I think being able to create a child is such a blessing, but honestly it can become so very painful. At times it becomes overwhelming. I never imagined pregnancy to be like this. My baby leans on my ribs, and constantly kicks my bladder like a soccer ball. He is so active it seems like he’s literally doing backflips, cartwheels and jumping jacks in there. I’m not even kidding you! I think he ate a whole bag of sugar or something. And don’t let me bring up the horrendous back pain! He’s getting so heavy, just carrying all that extra weight feels like someone broke my back in half.
Since I’ve gotten pregnant it’s changed my whole mindset around. Will this really be worth it?
Lately I’ve been also having severe moods swings. My body is not only overwhelmed, but so is my mind. In a blink of an eye I go from happy and content, to crying my eyes out. I know its just hormonal, but my mood swings swing back and fourth like a pendulum all day. I think to myself, I love my son, but in all honesty, I’m not sure if I would’ve gotten pregnant (this baby was planned), if I knew that I would have to endure months of pregnancy pain. It takes a toll mentally and physically. I just can’t imagine anything or anyone being worth this. But they say my son will be.
I love my son, and I work so hard to not let my pain show to others. But this pregnancy has been a rollercoaster ride for me, and I do hope it’ll all be worth it in the end. Let's see.
Much love,
-Alex
Update: My son is one month old and every single ounce of pain was so very worth it. He is my everything!
