I Didn’t Bring My Dog to the Walgreens Drive-Thru but I Want a Milk-Bone Anyway
You recognize me, don’t you? I come to this drive-thru like twice a week for one prescription or another. I have three kids, you know. And I usually bring my dog, Sophocles.
I know how much you like my dog, and she loves you too. She’s not smart like you’d expect a Border Collie to be, but she knows where the treats come from, and she starts to drool the moment we pull in to the Walgreens parking lot.
The thing is, I’m on my way home from work and I need the steroid nose spray because my youngest is allergic to dogs, but I haven’t been home yet so I don’t have Sophocles in the car with me. But could I maybe get a Milk-Bone anyway?
I see them right there. I know people who’ve never had dogs sometimes wonder why you keep Milk Bones in the window. At least my sister wonders. Her name is Dolly. My sister.
There was that whole incident a few months ago when Dolly tried to convince me that she’d seen you snacking on dog biscuits at the window and I said “no no no… first of all, those are Milk-Bones and they are for when people come to the drive-thru with their dogs, and if you saw her snacking it was likely a bag of Bugles or Gordetto’s or straight up Blue Diamond Smoked Almonds, and you couldn’t see the real snack because it was hidden behind the Milk-Bones box.”
Then she said that I “never believe her” when she “knows what she saw,” and furthermore “she saw the Walgreens Drive-Thru Lady eating dog biscuits in the window, and why did I have to ruin everything by mansplaining it.”
I told Dolly that I wasn’t mansplaining. I was pointing out that there was a more reasonable explanation, and we should give the Pharmacy Tech the benefit of the doubt. (I was pretty certain you wouldn’t be eating Milk Bones — or any other dog treats — especially while fulfilling the needs of the Walgreens drive-thru.)
Then Dolly said “Now you’re mansplaining the job title of the Walgreens Drive-Thru Lady,” and “I can call her the Walgreens Drive-Thru Lady if I want because it is funnier and because sisterhood.”
I mumbled that it was “Brothersplaining, not mansplaining,” but then she shouted that I was mansplaining the act of mansplaining and ended our FaceTime call.
I looked at Sophocles and he tilted his head. He has a special relationship with Dolly and often comes to sit nearby when we’re FaceTiming, so I texted her that she shouldn’t FaceTime me from the Walgreens drive-thru for reasons of privacy, and also because Sophocles worries that she’s on her phone while driving.
Dolly hasn’t spoken to me in the couple weeks since and won’t even tell me what she wants for her birthday — which is coming up soon, I think.
So you see, it’s just this small thing. If I could get a Milk-Bone, even though Sophocles isn’t in the car with me today, because I know he will sense the open drive-thru window when I step into the house, and he’ll skulk around the living room and lie near the front door because I came here without him. And if I bring him a Milk-Bone I might avoid a smidgen of his K9 angst.
Yes, just one. Yes, I understand. Yes, I agree. They really are quite delicious.