(Un)Surprising Language You Just Agreed to in the Terms of Service

All your base are belong to us

Terry Bain
Oct 9 · 4 min read

Our mission is to give people the power to build community and bring the world closer together.

  1. These Terms (formerly known as the Statement of Rights and Responsibilities) make up the entire agreement between you and Trademarked Name™, Inc (The Company) regarding your use of our Products. They supersede any prior agreements.
  2. You may, at times, wish to speak of Trademarked Name™, to share your enthusiasm about The Service with Friends and Family. When you do so you must utter the name, “Trademarked Name™,” two octaves higher and Without Irony in all conversations both in videos posted to The Service and in Conversations Outside the Service and during all activities in all Space and Time.
  3. At no time will you Speak Smack™ about our CEO, Zed Underline™. He is both a legal minor and member of an Officially Recognized and Protected Group (white male) and all Smack Spoken must originate from within The Company Leadership Group. Smack that originates outside the Leadership Group is a breach of contract and also an infraction of the Holy Accord of Webservices (2018).
  4. Trademarked Name™ (The Company) will have permanent, exclusive, universal rights to all content posted to The Service, including DNA sequencing of household pets in photos and videos uploaded and/or viewed on The Service and its subsidiaries.
  5. The entire contents of your presence on The Service is owned in perpetuity and in all worlds, galaxies, and universes by The Company and may be used at any time by The Service without your consent or foreknowledge in any way The Company sees fit.
  6. You look sad. Try to be Less Sad.
    i. If you cannot be Less Sad, be Angry. Anger and Ire are more easily paired with High Value Advertising.
    ii. At all times Content posted to Trademarked Name™ is to be paired with High Value Advertising.
    iii. If Content cannot be paired with High Value Advertising, it will be deemed Unfit for Consumption and Deleted by Trademarked Name™ at our discretion and without notice or regard.
    iv. An archive of said Content may or may not be retrievable in advance of said deletion but not afterward.
    v. An archive of all Content may be retrieved from a randomized secure server by sending a legible handwritten and notarized request along with five box-tops of Trademarked Name™ Cereal and S.A.S.E. with appropriate postage to The Company Mothership no later than thirty days before deletion, and no sooner than thirty days after posting said Content to The Service.
    vi. All content archived and returned to User remains property of The Company at the sole discretion of The Company Leadership Team and CEO Zed Underline™.
  7. You must be thirteen years of age to post content to Trademarked Name™ (with the exclusive exception of CEO Zed Underline™), but if you are under thirteen years of age and our Safety Measures® fail to identify you as such, it is not the responsibility of The Company, Trademarked Name™, or its associated Co-Conspirators to Monitor “said Content.” Nor shall The Company be responsible for any Consequences, legal, illegal, paralegal, or otherwise.
  8. You know what you did.
  9. Should you Know What You Did, you owe The Company a Coke and a Pony.
  10. Should you photograph or capture video of alien lifeforms on a phone that contains the Trademarked Name™ application, we reserve the right to capture, upload and repost those photos or videos and use them at our discretion in perpetuity.
    i. If you do not inform The Company Lawyers (see Appendix XII) within thirty minutes of photo or video capture that you intend to retain ownership of said rights, you will forfeit those rights to said photograph or video to The Company.
    ii. The same is true of all media of all kinds captured or created on your phone or other device that may be Paired with High Value Advertising.
    iii. (It’s ours. We dubs it.)
  11. You agree to Check In to the Trademarked Name™ service at least three (3) times daily and spend the stop-loss minimum amount of time, after which you may continue with your day.
  12. The Company shall not be held liable for accidents or calamities that may occur while you are not looking in front of you during the time you are Checking In to the Trademarked Name™ service.
  13. Should any member of the leadership team need an organ donor, the Trademarked Name™ app will automatically place you on the donor list and you will be cross-checked for a match.
    i. Should you have an Unexpected Accident or suffer some Unforeseen Calamity (not the responsibility of The Company) while the member of the leadership team is still in need of an organ donor, your organ will be harvested for transplant, but not before Double-Dog Checking that you are For Sure Dead.
    ii. Should your organ not be an appropriate match for the member of our leadership team, your Family of Origin may be held liable for damage caused to the leadership team member, even if they have not agreed to the Terms of Service (TOS).
  14. Service is not guaranteed. If The Service appears to be Nonfunctional it is Not Our Fault and we have either been Utterly Hacked or we are Busy Making Your Life More Complete, and Your Life Will Be More Complete when we have Upgraded and Serviced our Servers. Our Service is The Service but we are not At Your Service.
  15. The Company reserves the right to revise these Terms of Service in retroactive perpetuity and without notice.

There is no need to Act on these Terms. Your Agreement has been predetermined.

Post Street

A Terry Bain Publication

Terry Bain

Written by

Author of You Are a Dog (Crown) http://amzn.to/1GTUrXf & We Are the Cat (Crown). Writing teacher in Spokane. Full of the dickens. http://terrybain.com

Post Street

A Terry Bain Publication

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