Dear Angelina Jolie,

My favorite friend on Friends was definitely Joey Tribbiani, played by Matt LeBlanc. His defining, Fonzi-esque phrase seemed like the perfect greeting to send to Angelina Jolie, considering that she will soon be a single woman again.

Perhaps, you received a text about her filing for divorce from one of your real friends. Maybe you were on Facebook or Twitter or having lunch downtown where one of the half dozen TV sets displayed the “Breaking News.”

When you read it, the news felt personal. Did it not? Like you actually know Angelina and Brad because maybe, just maybe, since she apparently filed, you wondered, “Hmm, what’d that player do?”

Were you sad?

Did you hope that they would last longer?

Honestly, I did too.

But kudos to them. They blew away Britney and Jason, Kid and Pam, and Kim and Kris.

Brangelina had a great run!

Oh well.

Our consolation prize will come in many little packages, like a pop culture Hanukkah. We’ll anticipate the rumors, learn who got what, and have endless debates about the custody and sanity of their children. Finally, our dessert will be when they start publicly dating again. More than likely, it will be with other Hollywood people and we’ll ask, “Is it serious or just a fling?”

Of course, these informative presents will all be “Breaking News.”

And then, we’ll get bored. Move on. Because even Brad and Angelina age, not as swift or cruel as the rest of us do. Anyway, who wants to read about 50-year-olds banging each other?

Ahhh, the “Breaking News.” Thank you.

You fill that void, that emptiness inside with bite size, exquisite, atomic Twinkies catered and served exclusively for the masses.