If ever there was a day…
I am exhausted, humiliated, full of rage and regret. I am full of self doubt and self loathing. I do not understand why things have come to be the way they are. Was it my fault? Did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Not young enough? Not smart enough? Not cute enough? Not the right fit? Not what was wanted? I lie awake in the middle of the night staring into the darkness listing my failings. The anger I feel makes my jaw hurt.
If there was ever a day for the sky to be blue, it was today.
I have come here to be rescued, and the sun is shining.
I am not judged here.
I can float on my back in a star shape here, and I know what to do with my body in order to balance in a near-perfect effortless equilibrium, so that — even though I am in water — I may well be resting on the most comfortable of beds.
I have no doubts here.
I am not fast but I am fearless, and can withstand the cold that makes others falter. I watch others shake with cold and wonder if I have superpowers. I am not afraid of the pain. I do not need a shower to bring the pink back to my cheeks. I am strong, and I do not tire, and do not get bored. As I swim my lengths, I watch others sitting on the poolside chatting. The longer I swim, the happier I am. I press on, determined to exhaust myself so that I have no energy for anger.
I am not alone here.
The leaves, suspended in the pool, seem to wave at me as I swim over them. The dimpled stainless steel lining sparkles blue, and silver, and gold: trying its best to cheer me up. A plane drifts by above, watching over me. The wind has died down and I’m alone in my lane, so that when I turn my head to breathe, the ripple-free smooth silkiness of the surface makes me gasp. Nature is working as hard as it can to make me happy today.
I am swaddled by the water here.
Protected, embraced, enveloped, comforted. I swim and swim and swim until the whistle blows. A silent conversation between me and the water with no fear of judgement.
The sun shines on, my jaw is unclenched.
