When you are feeling sad, sometimes the sun will come out…
It’s been a difficult few weeks. The deaths, too soon, of not one, but two beautiful swimmers. And then an unbelievably sad and desperate time for my very dear friend. Sometimes life seems so breathtakingly cruel. It punches you in the gut.
Through all the tragedy, we go about our daily lives: turn up to work wearing a mask so that nobody knows, drink coffee, nod and smile at the person who opens the door for you. Breathe. Try to eat. Chat when what you really want to do is cry. And swim.
And swim.
Yesterday was shit. Today I went to a place, a lido, where nobody knows me, anonymous and free. It was empty here at first and I could swim with no routine, no plan. Today I swam, gently. I forgot about drills and times and doing the right thing. I just swam and swam and swam and swam. At first my head was full of stuff: was full of grief for all of them and particularly for you — and full to bursting of anger and unfairness, powerlessness and sadness. I tried to push it out but it came back relentlessly. What was the point of swimming, really, I thought?
But then after an hour, there were glimpses of sun and blue sky that twinkled through making patterns of light dance on the floor of the pool, and the things in my head and my heart quietened slightly for a while. Glimpses of relief.
An hour and a half of swimming later, I’d finished. I stopped and took off my goggles and cap. “I’ll leave you in peace now,” I said to the woman who I’d shared a lane with for the last twenty minutes. She looked at me and said “I’ve really enjoyed sharing a lane with you — without explaining it all, you are so inspiring, you swim so strongly.” I smiled wanly: “I was sad when I got in but now I feel a bit better.” She looked at me, smiling warmly: “It’s the power of water — it always makes you feel like that.”
I guess no matter how blue you feel — the water, the fresh air, the sun twinkling, the warmth and kindness of another human being — can give you respite for a while. I’ll swim again tomorrow for sure. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and the next day.
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