How I Know Your “Relationship Style” Is Full of Shit

Michon Neal
Feb 20, 2017 · 6 min read

It comes in many forms, with many fancy names: open relationships, polyamory, relationship anarchy, solo poly, swinging, polyfidelity, free love, ethical non-monogamy, and so many others.

People patting themselves on the back for their “compersion” and “empathy” and “ability to love more than one person”. So fucking proud of the fact that they’re not like those silly uninformed monogamous people. So high and mighty as they look down upon those that default to society’s enforced norm.

As with everything else in my life, I get down to the damn core. And you, alternative relationship communities, are absolutely and irrevocably full of shit!


How do I know?

I’ve written extensively on the ways abuse culture crops up even in non-mono circles, especially in amatonormative ways. I created and talk about intersectional non-monogamy but apparently alternative Black people don’t grok what that means. I’ve written about the ableism, the class privilege, the hypocrisy.

But…hell, why didn’t I just get straight to the point?

YOUR “LOVESTYLE” IS RACIST AS SHIT!

See, there’s this thing y’all social justice types like to call social capital. Y’all just fucking love y’all fancy ass names for the most basic shit. You will do absolutely everything you can to defend your “right to desire whosoever you please”.

You will ignore the ways that this colonized culture has shaped your desire.

You will not think about why you have such an easy time finding partners while queer Black femmes are left to fend for themselves.

You will demand we “not get political” when we share our experiences being fetishized, ignored, and unwelcome in your circles.

You will be fucking shocked, absolutely fucking shocked, when that nice altBlack guy (yte guy) turns out to be an abusive fucking douche.

You will preach about communism and socialism and anarchy and your beautiful fucking utopia where you get in all the fucking,

and then turn around and squint when race comes up.

<iframe src=”https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Femichon%2Fposts%2F10103906928291395&width=500" width=”500" height=”243" style=”border:none;overflow:hidden” scrolling=”no” frameborder=”0" allowTransparency=”true”></iframe>


You will ask the same question every single time, no matter how much you try to distance yourselves from the not-cool non-mono community over there.

You will claim your group was “only for dismantling couple privilege” and change the name of it when folks want to talk about yte privilege.

You will accuse a Black person of “being divisive” when they say they’re tired of being assaulted by yte assholes at your fucking parties and decided to stop interacting with yte men before they end up dead like so many other Black people.

You will claim that impoverished people, aros, or others with nesting partners or “relationship escalator” steps — either due to need or for safety reasons or god forbid cultural reasons — still somehow have couple privilege.

You will claim sex workers need to be protected without realizing that yte people can choose sex work because Black and Brown bodies were brutalized to pave the way.

You will label experiences of a Black of what you erroneously call “social capital” as being “too political” despite sharing all your woo and liberal shit.

You will claim to be anarchists while not understanding the Black roots nor understanding what the Black experience in America “has to do with anything”.


You claim to be ethical, you wear the cloak of the revolutionary, you preach about how fucking “intersectional” you are and you don’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

What you are is a fucking supremacist. A goddamned Trumpin ass white Nazi supremacist.

You think fucking Black and trans people is a celebratory act. You think lusting after Black pussy absolves you of the need to check your privilege. You think race has nothing to do with why you desire who you desire. You don’t even know your damn history.

You think saying the first Blacks were queer is somehow inflammatory and erasure(bish, where the fuck you think humans came from?).

You set up your fancy ass parties and claim you’re down for sex workers and masturbate at your conferences.

You have the nerve to bitch about the “lack of diversity” while you fucking steal Black femmes work and make money off it.

You have never followed the tendrils of your twisted desires to their roots. And you have the fucking nerve to then claim it’s not about the fucking sex when the only fucking people you go to bat for are the people you want to fuck because of their “social capital”.


There is no such thing as “social capital”. Desirability politics aren’t some unsolvable mystery. I know why you cringe whenever someone brings up race.

It’s because you’re fucking racist.

It’s because for the past few hundred years, dirty ass, jealous ass, nasty ass pale Europeans started lying to themselves. They thought they were the first people on Earth. They thought they were God’s special people. They thought they were the most beautiful. They thought they were the most hygienic. They thought they were the most intelligent. They thought the entire world was their “destiny” to conquer.

Y’all tried to fuck away our Blackness and then have the nerve to say interracial dating will save us.

Y’all stole our work, our bodies, and our history and have the nerve to get butthurt when we demand reparations via you paying for a damn date.

Y’all erased the Black out of coparenting, community, multilinking, platonic love, labor, spirituality, ecology, and fucking and then have the nerve to “teach” consent and BDSM.

Y’all have the fucking nerve to wear your ugly pink hats, blame third party voters, and whine about how trans people are in danger now without realizing you’ve always been protected and still will be.

You want to pretend like you learned something, Jon Snow.

A Black does not care.


Why you defend sex work but don’t give a fuck about the BIPOC people trafficked since Columbus triflin ass landed on indigenous land?

Why you don’t care about discussin Trump, bunnies, and whatever celeb y’all currently worship but get quiet when someone mentions race?

Why you say you just want to live your life in peace when we fuckin dying before we can find someone to fuck?

Why the fuck you claim us only when we dead, trans people, as if you’re somehow in danger?

Why the fuck you want to label plain ole racism as “social capital” or “desirability politics”?

Why the fuck you wan fuck us but not pay us?

Why the fuck you want us to tick your “diversity” box but then silence us?

Why the fuck you want to call yourself ethical when you think romantic compersion is your only goal, not even realizing the fucking irony that real human beings organically feel compersion for most anything else and that you’ve been taught to be jealous, you fucking cowards?

I’m not impressed. Keep your polya. Keep your Relationship Anarchy. Keep your non-monogamy. Keep your free love and your Tantra and your sex work and your BDSM and your fake love for Black people.

You think you’re better than the Trump supporters? You’re not.

You think you’re better than monogamous people? You’re not.

You think you’re better than cis people? You’re fucking not.

You think you’re better than prudes? You’re absolutely not.

Nah, bruv, you just a racist. Cuz you think you better than us. You sittin there fuckin while we can’t breathe.

The most disgusting part is, you think who you’re fucking is worthy. Look in your dingy ass mirrors, brah.


How you gonna talk about consent, kink, sex ed, sex work, and how to fucking love more than one person (gee, remind me again, who was it that came up with that idea of the one true love, alt Black people?) when you haven’t even examined your own complicity in a racist desirability hierarchy?

How are you going to talk about openness and honesty when you can’t even admit you lust after us in secret?

How are you going to talk about ethics or eviscerating the proletariat if your stupid ass can’t even get past your white guilt?

This abuse culture we currently all live in? All this oppression and shit? All that compulsory monogamy and jealousy? All that sexual violence? Trump?

Yeah, that’s all on you. That’s whiteness. That’s the only culture you have. You turned this beautiful land into a wretched ass playground and we are sick of your haughty shit.


You have the caudacity to lie “straight up to our face” and consider yourself so lucky that you get to have orgies with all the other yte people.

You’re a fucking joke. Posers. We saw through your shit with that first diseased ship y’all sent over (and omg do you even realize how racist your whole “disease free” mantra shit is? Fuck your ancestors!).

Go on and keep pretending like you’re making a difference while we Black femmes sip tea.

Keep pretending it’s not about race.

Keep demanding we “cite our sources” when we drop that heavy truth on ya.

Keep pretending the yte sea you see at all your conferences is just because yte folks are more numerous in this country (for now).

Keep calling yourself “radical” while we laugh at you.

My Black disdain is not here for your weak shit.

Postmodern Woman

All we ask is to be acknowledged. Let people know we exist. These are our stories and services. May we hold you accountable?

Michon Neal

Written by

Integrated Non-Monogamy, Metanoiac Alethiology, aro love terms, cuil fiction, & more; Speaker; Sensitivity Editor Cuil Press. https://the-metanoiac-portal.mn.co

Postmodern Woman

All we ask is to be acknowledged. Let people know we exist. These are our stories and services. May we hold you accountable?

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade