From my previous writing you might assume that I’m some straight-laced, bluntly honest, terrifyingly cold and calculating automaton and wonder what the hell I could possibly enjoy. Can someone like me actually have fun? Do I ever not talk about something traumatic or painful or just uber heavy? What am I passionate about if I don’t like romance and don’t follow the script?
Well, you might remember a couple of things from previous posts. That I’m synesthetic, compassionate, love deeply, have a mean temper, and that I have an enormous sex drive. So here’s a glimpse at the fun, playful devious other face of the Gemini who’s been sort of misleading you these past months (and no, I don’t believe in the Zodiac).
Let me introduce you to the naughty selves I’ve only hinted at: the Sinister Sadist, the “My Logic is Undeniable” Dragon, and the Insatiable Lust. And then I’ll tell you how I tame them.
The Sinister Sadist:
I’m a very compassionate person. Part of this is the fact that I’m left-handed. Science also shows that we’re more likely to be mirror touch synesthetes. Watching movies is a uniquely painful experience for us because we literally feel what’s happening to the people on screen (while simultaneously having a running commentary/breakdown of all the fallacies and assumptions and seeing the ending coming a mile away). Real life is full this automatic empathizing as well. We’re more emotional, too, so there’s that. On top of the higher likelihood of us understanding exactly what you’re feeling, there’s also the fact that our brains are wired differently to all you normies. There’s a reason the notion sinister (meaning left-handed) is associated with evil. Some of the worst killers were left-handed. And there’s a whole host of other oddities about us that I won’t get into right now.
The important thing is to understand how a person that feels so deeply and cares so much can derive pleasure out of purposely hurting someone. Contrary to popular belief, sadists are actually pretty well-adjusted. I’m speaking of those in the BDSM community, of course. We want to hurt people and overpower them, but only if they want us to hurt them. Consent is an absolute must. We don’t just want to hurt anyone for no reason. It delights me to make people uncomfortable, to piss them off, to punish them, to torture them, to cause them pain knowing that it’s what they love, what they crave, what they want. I get high off of it.
BECAUSE I LOVE TO SEE THOSE VEINS IN YOUR TEMPLE THROB.
Whether my Dom side comes out (with or without the sadist; BDSM is not all about making someone your bitch and kink is a lot more than bdsm) as the little girl, Goddess, the Violent Vixen, or Zack (my masculine side) depends on who I’m with. I’m not sadistic with everyone I meet and obviously never without their permission or desire. And though I do enjoy some pain I’m not very masochistic, despite my high pain threshold. I’m also not big on humiliation. There’s some degradation I’m okay with but mostly it comes down to a very particular type of pain I want to inflict. My penchant for causing others pain in this way leads me right to
The “My Logic is Undeniable” Dragon:
I’m incredibly cerebral. For me the best forms of sadism involve psychological torture or anguish. I want to destroy minds and break spirits. Not literally…come on, give me some credit. No, no, for me it is more about breaking down the arbitrary barriers they’ve accepted by default. I seek to dig through the bullshit that people have accepted for themselves and their lives and get to the root of their very being. The Dragon is ultra-rational and super logical.
AND REALIZING “YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SN-”, ER, I MEAN, THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING.
With that Vulcan-like calm, I can cut through fat and hit right to the heart of a matter. Many people have been subject to the Neal rant-we never yell; instead in clinical, sometimes impassioned (but not quite angry) terms we systematically lay out the facts and logical conclusions of our own or someone else’s thoughts, actions, or words. It’s not intended to make us right; it’s our process to understand exactly what we’re dealing with and to see if the other person understands what their ideas entail.
It’s a rather uncomfortable experience but luckily I’ve got a partner who welcomes the challenge. Through such a brutal and straightforward method we can both clarify our positions and figure out what’s actually right (or rather suitable; right and wrong is so black and white) instead of what’s convenient. The Dragon twinges at anything that doesn’t add up and burns away anything less than the absolute truth. Anyway, for most people getting to the truth means burning away all of the surface gunk and dirt they’ve picked up on their journey. The Dragon purifies and sharpens. It leaves nothing unexamined or unexplored. It brings a person face to face with their reality as they’ve made it. And then the real work (or punishment) begins.
For those that can withstand the Dragon’s fire, they often get to meet
The Insatiable Lust:
This is my hunter. This is my core. This is my hunger. The black hole forever yawning open for more, more, more! I think it’s safe to assume I have the kind of libido normally associated with gay men. It takes a lot of discipline to channel that amount of lust into appropriate channels. My demisexuality is thankfully one of the checks I have in place that protects my integrity and my sanity. I also started writing fairly young and poured most of my sexual energy into my books and dancing. So while I’m literally walking around feeling like Mark Blue (who’s nearly constantly aroused), that lust often has no particular subject. I don’t lust after random people or people I know (unless they want me to). I don’t project it onto another person and expect them to satisfy it. Hence I can direct it into my stories when I don’t have a suitable, safe partner around.
Though I want it much more often than most people I refuse to cave in and be with just anyone. First, in general most people suck at sex or simply aren’t that educated about it. Second, it’s hard to find others with compatible sex drives and interests (or those who won’t run away from mine). Also, I don’t need the sex to be kinky in order to enjoy it but I do have a voracious appetite for both knowledge and sex. My addiction to integrating information might be the only thing greater than my drive, though they both arise from the same source: my sense of life.
ANKH, THE SYMBOL OF LIFE AND SEXUALITY.
I’m extremely curious and I love discovering novelty and new perspectives. I love life. One of my favorite forms of worship is doing beautiful things with beautiful souls in beautiful bodies. The lust is as much noetisexual, aesthetic, and sensual as it is erotic and sexual, even though these aren’t always paired together. And when someone taps into my noetisexual-loving self, oh my, why I never let them escape!
Having strong boundaries around these strong aspects of my personality protects myself and others from the damage they could cause. Left unchecked, I could have let these things rule my life or twist my soul. I could have chosen to use them destructively. But I’ve found my way to integrate them to enrich my life. And I absolutely fucking love it.
Originally published at postmodernwoman.com on June 16, 2015