My Brain Is A Loud Place To Be
I don’t know why I am writing this, apart from sharing my experiences- a) in case anyone else has similar experiences and wants to talk about it b) in case anyone has any tips on how to deal with it.
This piece is deliberately unstructured
My brain is a loud place to be. I think it is the way I am wired.
Sometimes I go through periods of quiet and order where I feel I can take on the world.
Most of the time though, I can’t switch it off. This isn’t always a bad thing. I am always thinking and connecting random things together and having ideas. I feel eally optimistic and high energy and that I can accomplish a lot! I want to do a bunch of stuff at once and too much repetition or routine bores me. I feel it gives me a high level of creativity.
Sometimes however it gets bad. I don’t know where to focus and everything is very ‘loud’. It is like one giant jumble. I don’t know where to look or what to do next because there are so many things to do. I generally feel quite negative about everything when I am in this state. I flip from extreme self-confidence to self-doubt & imposter-syndrome. I feel like I do a lot without getting much done (which isn’t usually true). I can be a bit all-over-the-place as organization isn’t my strong suit at the best of times. So if I forget or take a while to get back to you, I am sorry. I can feel quite overwhelmed when I am like this, because I just don’t know where to start, although externally I don’t appear to be any different.
It consists internally of a lot of questions and not a lot of answers. It usually builds up over a week or so and then I crash. My energy levels go to zero and I feel rubbish & useless & tired for a few days.
I don't think I am very good at energy conservation/management. I do sprints and dips- that's what it feels like at least.
Mentally it’s like this: I am over here, then I am over there, then I am thinking about this thing, but I also need to do that, and get back to him, and reply to that email, but also what is for dinner and I know I have this to-do list, but I don’t want to do those things I want to do these, but where do I start? And why haven’t I been exercising regularly and also what are my sugar levels right now?
I look at other people and I think they must think really logically and they have it all figured out. (First off, why am I comparing myself to others?). I don’t have a lot of structure to my thinking especially at these times and it’s like someone let all the horses out of the stables and we have to figure out a way to herd them back in (does that analogy make sense?).
The upside to all of this is when I am on, I feel brilliant. I am super engaged and energetic. I feel like I can connect with everyone and that I can bring loads of ideas and perspectives to the table that may have been missed otherwise. I never want to let people down and I try 1000% in whatever I do.
I have found meditation helps with this, and also exercise & diet, same with being out in nature- whether that is playing golf or skiing or just going for walks.
I’ve definitely struggled with these routines over lockdown and have been irregular in my exercise and diet and with a meditation practice. Have you?
I also wonder how much diabetes plays a role in this (I am a type 1 diabetic). It never makes me feel like I cannot do something, but having your sugar levels yo-yo around whether due to stress, illness, or just getting it wrong, also affects your emotional state and your energy levels. Put that alongside the fact that it is an illness you live with 24/7 and it does become very tiring at times. Diabetes burnout is a real thing! I generally control my diabetes very well, I have a good diet and I am fit and healthy- and even with that it still has its moments. I think because I look healthy and fit (which I am), people often forget I am dealing with a chronic illness, and while I do a lot to minimise the negative effects of it, it still takes its toll sometimes.
There was little point in this apart from sharing experiences publically because you never know what may come of it. Not something I have ever done before :)
Does anyone else experience this? Do you have any good tips or tricks?