5 Events that stood out as National News in last two decades

Pranav Jang Bahadur
Sep 7, 2018 · 10 min read

I have curated certain articles and transcripts that occupied the headlines of all National Dailies and News Channels, the day they happened in last 20 years.

1) 3rd February 1998 | New Delhi, India

Every year on Basant Punch me, the governing body of Association of Birds organises The Annual Trihazard Tournament.

It was hazardous in three ways. Every year a lot of birds died during it. Some always went missing. And there was too much poop all around.

Anyway, participation is seen from every specie, including Sparrows, Crows, Pigeons, Cuckoos, Parrots, Kingfishers and Woodpeckers amongst others.

This year was no different.

Yes, of course, Eagles were absent, who were disbanded from the event after last year’s infamous vanishing of 223 sparrows a night before the final race.

All hell broke loose when Eagles appeared more plum than usual and complained with apprehensions about difficulty in flying for long distances right before the kick off on morning of the race last year. It wasn’t a coincidence that this was accompanied by missing sparrows.

Easy to forgive, the Association decided to ban Eagles for 2 years from participating in the tournament.

Bulbul, the oldest bird in the Association, who lived high amongst the clouds in a place called High Moral Ground, sheepishly decided, not to comment on the leniency of the verdict.

Some of the more cynical species indicated towards of a deal that went by behind the clouds between high flying Eagles and Bulbul on the afternoon of the verdict.

This year was poised to bring a new spirit to the whole tournament that required the three finalists who had become overnight stars as they overcame multiple hurdles in previous rounds, to make a 4 Km journey over the skies of Chandni Chowk, carefully navigating through the cobwebs of threads and Kites that occupied the sky on this day, every year.

The stakes were high as always.

This time, the finalists were a parrot, a cuckoo and a crow (The 3-time winner who wanted the tournament to be renamed The Trilizard Tournament, was known to take things literally). It was very shocking to not see a single Woodpecker here who have always made it to the finals since last decade. It was informed that they were disqualified when they didn’t show up for the penultimate round the day before.

Apparently, it was 16 hour marathon run of the show “The Ultimate Carpenters” on the Discovery channel that day and all Woodpeckers were assembled at Allen’s house to have a cocktail party and watch the show.

Anyway, the tournament’s winner was Kalu the crow, yet again, after what is being described as the oddest race in the history of the Trihazard tournament.

To tell it all in a few words, the parrot abandoned the race post a 1800 ft. fall, after experiencing a fit of orgasmic ecstasy, that hit him when a girl on one of the terraces shouted Mithooooo. The parrot noticed, that the girl was in fact calling her beloved by this name and came back to senses right before hitting the ground but the race was already lost.

Understandably, the Cuckoo took a huge curving turn, flying back to the starting line with all her might when she heard “Cuckoo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo, Choli ke peechhay kya hai”, playing on one of the terraces. On her way back, it is reported that she mumbled the words “Fuck it Fuck it Fuck it, I am not doing this shit. Fuck it”.

She later told our camera man that she suffers from a deep sense of paranoia and has an anxiety attack every time she hears that song. We wonder, if she in fact, was behind the choli that day.

While we cannot ever know that for sure, but with yet another win, it will be interesting to see if Kalu, who was again seen voicing his demand for renaming the tournament, would have his wish granted.


2) 11th January 2017 | Queensland, New Zealand

“A new theory regarding the sudden boost in population of Kiwis since 1912, all over New Zealand, has taken over the country by storm”, announced an anchor on a mainstream news channel in the U.S.

Let us hear from Bob, the village idiot, who has been smoking pot for the last 25 years, ever since he started college and took up History of Kiwis as an elective.

“Want some Pot mate? Eh? Marijuana, you call it. Want it, eh? Guess you will wait for your doctor to prescribe it for you first. Which doctor do you go to? Is it Dre, eh ?

You know how it all started? There was nothing here mate. Total lack of these big egged birds. Isn’t it a bit sus, how they cropped up all over the place, out here in the wops, overnight ?”

Bob went ahead to explain how it all changed when the first motored flight happened to take place in 1911 in New Zealand. With the misplaced confidence of a college drop out, he described in detail about an underground historical meeting that took place in the Jungles of Queensland that year, where a major decision was taken to make New Zealand the choice of Residence for all Kiwis in the world because of the possibility that the first Kiwi flight could happen right here in New Zealand.

The Kiwis cried in unison at the end of the meeting in a hope that they too will now venture high into the skies with the introduction of commercial flying.

This is when Kiwis from all over the U.S., where commercial flight did not come before 1914, started flocking to New Zealand as the word spread. And that my friend, is what lead to sudden boost in Kiwi population here after 1912.

It cannot be said to this date if Bob, was in fact was an intoxicated village idiot who believed the over population of kiwis had something to do with introduction of aircrafts commercially.

The reporter of the above news always had his doubts. It is said that he had a fit of laughter after the camera was off, amazed by the beliefs Bob held.

But the smiles soon vanished off his face when bob showed him hundreds of newspaper clippings about incidents of sightings of Kiwis in cargo compartments of commercial flights after 1912, particularly in the those on domestic routes.


3) 18th December 2017 | New York, U.S.A

It’s that time of the year again, when the ill mannered lot amongst the children of this city, derive pleasure in throwing snowballs at adults passing by.

A word of advice from the editor — Do not walk by the Manhattan Street alone at night. Children, if I can call them that, are hiding, pointed rocks inside snow balls before throwing them down on pedestrians.

And what does winter bring with it ? Our annual, disliked by all, segment about penguins and their peculiar traits. Just like every year, we will talk about these birds this time too and gain nothing from the insights about the these mammals who for some odd reason, mate for life.

Let’s go live to our cameraman in Antarctica, who will pretend like some hot shot researcher for next 10 minutes, trying to get a penguin to talk about it’s life in the snow.

Hello Viewers. We have with us, tell them your name Sir.

Zuzuhe.

Can you tell our viewers, why you are sitting out here, all by yourself, in the snow ?

You mean, why am I doing what I do my entire life?

I don’t know man. It’s all hazy. All I remember is I was sitting with my wife watching the evening news when suddenly I was put in some van and driven off to some place with a bunch of dudes who looked like you, before they sedated me and made me sit here.

Okay Okay. You said it was all hazy. Anyway. Who is your wife? Can you talk a bit about your relationship with her? (The cameraman took out some cue cards to help him answer)

Of course. Her name is Zuzushe. She is a penguin too. As you all know, we mate for life, he read from a series of placards held by the cameraman. We mate for life. We mate for life. We mate for life, he seemed to be lost in his own world not reading from the cards anymore and just mumbling the words over and over again, when he suddenly, started flapping his wings in what looked like a fit of anger.”

And, we are back to the studio guys. You saw how Zuzuhe was flapping his wings in happiness when talking about his eternal partner Zuzushe. I ask my viewers today, if they can do it, what’s to stop Brangelina from mating for life, as they did on the sets of Mr. & Mrs. Smith 12 years back.

We will be right back with our next segment — “Brad Pitt seen fighting Angelina for the last Christmas tree in the Walmart on Hollywood Street.”

Zuzuhe was forgotten in a couple of hours by the viewers but the cameraman would always remember him. They had a heart to heart talk off the camera about the burdens of monogamy Zuzuhe and thousands of others like him had carried ever since it became clear that being a symbol of eternal love could ensure their survival in centuries to come as human myths decide the course of ecology of the planet.

“Yes of course we are polygamous man. What do you think ? But it is a well protected secret that will never be out, at least until, humans in power keep promoting this idea of eternal love.”

“Have you heard about Tinder?”, asked the concerned cameraman.


4) 11th November 2018 |New Delhi, India

“Kabootaron ne Delhi ke Ameeron ki ek party mein esteemed guests ke khushi se khilkhilate hue asmaaan ki or dekhte hue chehron par kari tatti”

Pigeons shat all over the smiling faces of the rich as they looked towards the sky with joy in a gathering in Delhi.

All went wrong in the high tea party organised in one of the gardens in a not-to-be-named politician’s house on Lodhi Road. It ended badly, when the 120 odd pigeons, who were ceremonially released into the sky to mark the recent signing of a peace treaty between the Kitty Party Association of the Elderly of Vasant Kunj and The Ladies club of Lodhi Road after last year’s incident of violence between Mrs. Pammi and Mrs. Veronica.

The cops have nabbed Allauddin, who apparently, provided the pigeons for the party. While still in custody right now, our sources tell us that he is passing the blame on to one elderly and irritable goat who, according to Allauddin, is the reason behind all this.

The goat, named Zubeida, was bought 6 years back right before Bakra Eid. Driven by empathy, Allauddin decided not to cut the animal that Eid. This didn’t go down well with Zubeida it seems. While, she waited patiently to be sacrificed like all her other friends every year since, but the Quyyaamat Ka Din never arrived for her.

Allauddin says, yesterday when he said goodnight to his pigeons, congratulating them for their freedom, Zubeida was asleep near by. He says, driven by the madness to take her revenge, she must have torn a sack of pulses to over feed the pigeons for obvious reasons.

While we cannot know for sure, if this in fact was Zubeida’s plan all along, we can listen to her opinion on the matter.

“I didn’t do ittttt. Mehnnnn. It doesn’t make sense. I am happy to not be sacrificed you idiots. Mehnnnnn. It was their plan all along, Mehnnnnn.

They are tired of being called upon every time some humans decide to have a high tea party in Delhi and be released into the sky. Mehnnnnnn. They are meticulously sedated and Allauddin picks them up from a well-estimated radius after they fall off the sky after a well estimated time, only to be used again in another meeting of diplomats or parties of the Delhi elite.”

Mrs. Pammi and Veronica had a rift again when someone was heard saying that Veronica had greek roots which in fact was something she shared with the Pigeons’ ancestors, allegedly.


5) 13th June | Wasseypur, India

In a shocking turn of events in the latest case of the vanishing cans of crude oil from near the oil mines in Wasseypur, the culprit behind it all seems to be a clan of Nevlas (Mongoose) who were caught red-handed by the workers of Indian Forest Department on one of their alcohol induced excursions they had every night.

After much ado, a chair with tiny legs was arranged to interrogate the head mongoose late night yesterday.

The interrogation revealed unbelievable findings. The mongoose would dip themselves in oil before heading out in the open to find their prey for the day, afraid they might encounter a python that the area was heavily infested with.

Pythons who are known to suffocate their preys to kill them, are unable to do so since the oily mongoose are escaping their grip before they could choke them.

The head mongoose has been sent to Genetic Engineering devision of ISM Dhanbad to study if there has been a cognitive revolution of sorts.

Meanwhile, to aggravate things further, the famished Pythons are holding a protest on Lal Chowk where their head will give a lecture on The Sanctity of Food Chain today evening.

We caught hold of a python passing by who looked dejected. When pushed to talk about it he said “Sasuru glup glup karke fisal rha hai mc. Chodengay nahi. Woh tel mein lipatt ke ayega, hum sala mitti lapet ho kar ayengay.”

The python too was handled to the Genetic Engineering devision of ISM Dhanbad to study if there has been a cognitive revolution as he explained the concepts of friction to our cameraman.

Pranav Jang Bahadur

Written by

Curious

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