Learning to Love Yourself Like Social Media Loves You
“Who in their right mind opens a grave?” is my impersonation of Soren Kierkegaard statement in his book Either/Or. He’s talking about a news story he read about a cemetery in England. Apparently there was a grave labeled the “Most Unhappy Person” or “The Unhappiest Person,” something like that was written on the headstone.
The story goes that someone was so intrigued about who the unhappiest person was they dug up and opened the grave. When they dug through the site they found no body or person buried at that location.
Kierkegaard wonders not about the person to whom the grave stone was written about, but about the act of digging open a grave. “What kind of person digs open a grave?,” is my paraphrase of what he is saying. “What kind of person is so preoccupied with their own place in life that they are compelled to dig open the grave of the saddest person on the planet?”
Are they lonely and depressed themselves?
Are they merely intrigued?
Are they wanting to find out the answer to the riddle of is there pain in life and death?
Here is the point I think he is making: Are we so concerned with ourselves and intrigued by the nature of other people, that we cannot truly come to grips with our own pain?
Kierkegaard quotes a line of poetry to say, “In the grave there is peace. Its silent dweller not acquainted with grief.”
Can we feel pain beyond death?
Who fucking knows. I certainly hope not. This world is crazy enough as it is with a combination of death, escape, and pain beyond the tunnel of light seems just cruel and unnecessary.
But what about this idea of the onlooker, peeping into other people’s pain?
I think this is real. I think we are this person. At least, I think I am this person.
Let me explain.
Everyday I open my phone, click a social media icon (The one I am addicted to. You have yours, I’m sure.) and stare at a slew of pictures that slide up my screen. Rarely do I seek out the information I want: news, historical content, social movements from the day. Instead, I am a passive bystanding to other people’s daily lives — the people I have chosen to follow.
What am I looking for? Am I looking for someone else’s pain, joy, or discomfort? Maybe.
When I read Kierkegaard I think about opening my app like opening the lid to the coffin in the grave site of the chasers of the unhappy grave.
What were they looking for in their day and time?
Was it a similar experience to mine? Am I a chaser of the exuberance and pain of others? Probably. I like to check the social buzz on a daily basis. I suppose that’s me.
What is important about this process is not the act itself. What’s important is what we are looking for.
What are we looking for?
Fame…
Freedom…
Ideas…
Money…
Products…
Knowledge…
Education…
Awareness…
Fashion…
Social change…
All of these can be summed up in one single solitary word: connection.
We long for connection.
We long to know and be known.
We long to be found and found out.
To be known in this life is one of the greatest joys a person can wish for. We long for the things in life that bring us connection: people, places, talents, skills, hobbies, jobs, money, recognition.
A phone call from a parent.
Public recognition by a colleague.
A reserved seat at a restaurant.
The greeting of a friend or loved one.
This is why we have kids, excel at careers, make money, invest in others, make art, design store fronts, go on dates, create investment accounts, and take time out to message the people we love. All of this is so that we will know and be known.
Which brings me to my final point: Why on earth would you want to open a grave?
Let’s say just hypothetically opening the social media app is a form of opening the grave of the unhappiest person. If this is the case, why are you opening the app?
I am not knocking social media. I’m a fan. Maybe not a huge fan, but I’m fine with it.
I am more interested in you and what you are looking for.
What are you looking for?
What’s missing inside of you that you need to dig through other people’s lives in order to find out something real about yourself?
What’s so difficult about sitting in a quiet place, alone, no screen.
The short answer to this problem is that we need people.
Whether we like it or not, we need the love of people. And, we need to give that same love back in return. It’s like a muscle that doesn’t get used atrophies until it is no longer useful.
We need to connect and be connected to.
So we follow, and unfollow, and browse, and use incognito mode (which turns out was being saved on a server somewhere and was not so incognito this whole time, but that’s for another story).
May I encourage you: not to stop using social media, but to do this…
The next time you go to open your app and browse, ask this simple little question: “What am I looking for? And… Is it possible to get that thing from someone else who is around me physically or emotionally connecting with me in a way that brings me life?”
If the answer is yes, then go find that person. Give them a hug. Tell them what you think about them. Seek to find a deep connection beyond sliding open the door to someone else’s world.
