Boundaries: Not Being Nice Isn’t the Same as Being Mean
It’s okay if they don’t like you.
He asked me, “Has anyone ever told you that you are really pretty?” I was at my second job helping a male patient sign up for low-income resources after his hospitalization. I felt instantly uncomfortable, and had a split second to decide my response.
There was a reflex coming on, my mouth preparing to say, “thank you,” before redirecting back to our activity. But I wasn’t grateful! This man was acting inappropriately, and acting grateful for his compliment could feed his belief that it was acceptable to treat his hospital social worker like a dating prospect. I ended up saying, “yes. Shall we continue with your Meals on Wheels referral?”
Women and marginalized populations are conditioned to “be nice,” sometimes at the expense of our own dignity. Over the years I’ve developed an understanding of how toxic that mentality is. We are taught to be careful not to embarrass someone (often a man) by calling them out when their actions are wrong.
Years ago I had a hospital patient who uses a wheelchair continually inching himself closer to me while we were meeting. As he moved closer, I scooted back. He was the one in control of our proximity because he was the one on wheels.
I eventually stopped him, three inches from my knee, and said, “I need more space. Can you back up?” I intentionally didn’t apologize for needing more space. After the meeting was over, I left and shed a couple of tears. Why did I cry? Because that was the first time I had unapologetically asserted a simple boundary at the risk of embarrassing a man who’s behavior wasn’t working for me. It hadn’t been easy.
Why did I cry? Because that was the first time I had unapologetically asserted a simple boundary at the risk of embarrassing a man who’s behavior wasn’t working for me. It hadn’t been easy.
The notion that we are conditioned not to embarrass people who are acting poorly is one I first read about in Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass.
Jen shared her experience shopping for a mattress, and the salesman kept hopping up onto each mattress and laying next to her. She felt uncomfortable. And instead of telling him she didn’t want him to do that, she withstood the behavior, made an excuse to get out of the store and left. She then realized she was afraid of embarrassing him for his poor behavior, and how pervasive this issue is in our society.
This all may come down to a concept that many of us want to be liked. People-pleasing in the form of not wanting to set boundaries can occur because we fear the other person not liking how we acted or what we said. I’ve learned to sit with the discomfort of someone not liking me. It has taken some practice, and it feels like a muscle — the more I use it, the easier it is. As the years go by, I care less and less.
I have a young adult client in my therapy practice who refuses to interact with a family friend who severely bullied her, and her mom tells her she should “be more forgiving.” But should she? Is she in the wrong for having boundaries?
Having boundaries, whether it be not saying “thank you” to someone who is treating me like a sex object, asking for more personal space, or my client not speaking to someone who has mistreated her, means that we need to be ok with the idea that not everyone is going to agree with how we act. They might even think we are mean. And I’m okay with that.
