I Burned Out from Stress at 25. My Body Shut Down.
A short story on what caused my burnout and how you can avoid it happening to you. A cautionary tale for the modern age.
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There are some events and situations that completely change the course of your life. In fact, they might just change who you are. I was a materialistic kid with sky-high ambitions when I was young. I was going places, and for a while there, it looked like I had made it. But it wasn’t meant to be. Instead of a well-off CEO, my path would lead me in a different direction — a path of meditation, philosophy, and the way of the wandering adventurer and starving artist.
It’s sad that we need such a rude awakening to realize what truly matters in life — time, family, and health. Without either, we have nothing. No matter what the sign on our office door says or the numbers on our bank account.
I burned out completely when I was just twenty-five years old.
I worked in a high-strung, high-achieving, high-paying job in real estate. For a while, I thrived in that environment and grew my skills like a madman. I was going places and had been promoted four times in just eighteen months. I would add more responsibility and a higher workload each time, but it rarely came with a significant pay rise.
A few months into my recovery, my father asked me what about that job caused my burnout. What was so terribly stressful? It was a simple question, but as I discovered, there were no simple answers.
You see, while we all worked hard in that company, sustaining ourselves on unhealthy doses of energy drinks, as coffee just didn’t do the trick anymore, some took the tempo and the pressure with ease, while others struggled.
In my case, it was a killer combination of factors:
- I had moved into a new town for this job, so I was a bit lonely.
- As I was working all the time, my relationships went to hell. My long-time girlfriend left me. The long-distance thing didn’t work. I even had to release my dog into my grandma’s loving care. There just wasn’t any other way.
- During my initial phase in the company, I was also writing my diploma, and right after that, I was studying hard for a real estate agent license. All while working ten or more hours every day. I slept about two to four hours per night. The rest was studying and working. Every evening, I would start consuming energy drinks, one every thirty minutes, so I wouldn’t shut down. When I stopped drinking, my head would suddenly bang on the desk. It was game over for the night.
- After this ordeal was done, I got to enjoy a few prosperous months of a good salary and success in my work. I rose the ranks quickly, and in no time, I was the head of a department, project manager, marketing guy, a full-time agent, and I was managing a small team of young enthusiasts. Three or four jobs stacked into one. I loved it, to be honest, especially the feeling of importance when I had piles of contracts to sign every day. It made me feel accomplished and important like I had really made it.
- Then 2008 happened. The Great Financial Crisis took us by surprise. After a few days of panicked news coverage, we couldn’t sell a single home anymore. Not one for the next few months. Everything simply stopped. We went from a euphoric state of overbuying and sellers having all the power, not unlike today, to a complete void in a matter of weeks. Banks weren’t giving out loans. People couldn’t sell their old homes, and so we couldn’t sell them new ones. The chain was broken, and hell was just around the corner.
- At that time, I had incurred significant expenses. I was paying off my education and a car. I lived in a shared apartment, but the rent still represented a decent expense.
- So when my boss announced that we were all getting a pay cut of 50%, it meant that suddenly, I wouldn’t be able to cover even my basic expenses, much less afford to eat. The walls started to close in. It was as if someone had stepped on my chest, and got heavier day by day. I felt a darkness descend upon my future. What I thought was my golden ticket turned out to be a transformational fire.
- As if that wasn’t enough, I had been suffering from an autoimmune disease and had been sick for most of my life. While I tried to hide it, to the best of my ability, that disease ruled a large part of my life. I was in constant pain, could hardly eat anything without a reaction, and always had to be near a bathroom, as my digestion was of the nuclear kind.
Almost every day, there were minutes or sometimes hours when I felt like someone was cutting my intestines with a giant knife, twisting and turning like they were gutting a fish. I could barely eat or drink anything without suffering severe consequences. That was my “normal.” While I tried to deny it and did my best to overcome the limitations of my condition, it was only a matter of time before a storm broke out and took it all away.
The combination of all these factors has done a number on my mentality.
I felt afraid of the future for the first time. I didn’t know how I would pay my bills. All that I had been working so hard to build was slipping away. I felt the walls close in and experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks. Those were all new to me at the time.
I struggled with the idea of leaving my life there and having to return home, defeated — a loser. My ego was screaming at me to somehow prevent this from happening. I had no idea what to do next. All I knew was that this part of my life was coming to an end.
It didn’t take long for my body to give up on me completely.
I tried compensating with medication and a strict diet for a while but was losing the battle. Before I knew it, I had lost fifteen kilograms in a few weeks and could no longer work. Not just work, I could barely live!
I was weak and feeble, shaking all the time like a fragile old man negotiating with Mr. Death for a few more minutes before departing this world.
I hate going to the doctors and have been avoiding them all my life, but this episode put the fear of God into me, so I submitted myself to all sorts of tests. My whole intestines were inflamed, and my bloodwork was something of an obituary.
They gave me steroids to calm the inflammation, but the rest was supposedly on me. There was no cure, and they didn’t know what to tell me. I had to figure it out myself. I was told, in no uncertain terms by the good doctor, that the life I knew was over.
No more stress, hard work, or exhaustion of any kind.
It was time for a forced recovery — a long recovery, as it turned out. “Leave your job, move back home, learn to meditate, and manage stress, or you won’t be around anymore to see me for a follow-up,” the doctor said. I suppose it was a bit dramatic, but I believed the man. I felt it, too. It was all over. My ambitious dreams died that day, and they took a part of me with them.
Then came the altercation with my boss, as he was anything but understanding of my health issues, and we both realized that our paths were about to divulge. In fact, when he asked me where I saw myself in his company in the future, I told him that I simply don’t anymore. There were other issues I won’t go into, but I had lost trust in the man. Once that was lost, I was done making him money. Ethical and moral contradictions only added to the fire burning me from the inside out.
Long story short, I ended up back home, infinitely grateful that I had understanding and loving parents who were able to take me back in this vulnerable phase. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without their support. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or move, much less support myself. I had some money saved up, but that could only sustain me for a few months, at best. So, Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this — thank you so much!
I will write about my attempts at recovery in another post; suffice it to say the path was long, and even though it seemed illusionary to cure an incurable disease, it would appear I had somehow achieved the impossible.
My body may be well, but my mind was never the same.
I cannot, to this day, allow myself to entertain stressful situations. The idea of some high-strung workplace turns my stomach at a moment’s notice. Just seeing those pompous, demanding job ads makes me want to throw a mini fridge through someone’s window! All I see are ingrateful, exploitative, manipulative monsters.
I have been thoroughly disillusioned in the worst possible way.
My work, health, and life were worthless to my bosses, company, and the Gods of capital and profits. I realized then that despite all the sweet talk and fancy labels on my business card, nobody gives a shit about me. As soon as I stop producing profits, I will be discarded like absolute trash.
I don’t resent the sentiment, don’t get me wrong. It’s just business, and to business, we’re cows to be milked. No more milk, and to the slaughterhouse we go.
I saw through the fog of empty promises and worthless ambitions. I had lost the desire to climb that corporate ladder completely, and my priorities in life were turned upside down. In a good way, for the most part.
It’s sad that we need such a rude awakening to realize what truly matters in life — time, family, and health. Without either, we have nothing. No matter what the sign on our office door says or the numbers on our bank account.
The thing is, such an episode will change you irreparably.
I am no longer the same man I was back then. Not even close. I would like to imagine I am better for it, apart from an empty bank account and being completely unemployable.
I am much more at peace, focused on love and the people closest to me. I appreciate the scarcity of time and don’t waste it anymore. Facing mortality and fragility has given each moment in my life a sense of importance and beauty. I love deeper. I live a more grounded life, focused on the present moment. I experience everything much more intimately and fully than before. I don’t take anything or anyone for granted anymore.
Surprisingly, this admittedly challenging life episode has helped me heal completely (knock on wood). Fifteen years of pain, embracement, and sickness is now but a distant memory. It is a reminder not to play with my health, as it is fragile, and an invitation to appreciate the health I enjoy today.
While I don’t love having less money, there is no amount that I would ever trade for my health again. Being free of my autoimmune disease is, at least for me, absolutely priceless. I try to constantly remind myself just how lucky I am.
What lessons can we learn from this particular episode?
- Never push yourself too far. It’s hard to know your limits unless you visit them, but if you sleep for less than five hours a day, your relationships are falling apart, and you can’t live without some sort of elevating substances, you’re doing something wrong. Sooner or later, you will pay a price.
- We can take the same job and workload without a problem as long as we are not mentally or physically compromised. Whether it’s fear, expectation, doubt, or some other form of pressure, that will determine how stressful we perceive any situation, not the situation itself. So make sure you design your life in a way that will enable you to stay calm during a storm, as storms are somewhat of a natural phenomenon and will be visiting you at one point or another.
- Money, career, and success are all irrelevant if we don’t have health, time, and someone to share it with. Family comes first! Money comes and goes, but family will be there for you through thick and thin. A family includes good friends. Don’t ever allow yourself to neglect these vital relationships. Sooner or later, you will regret it. Remember that they won’t be there forever. If nothing else, you might want to reevaluate your priorities, whatever they may be, with the finality of life in mind.
- There are things in life we cannot control. Sometimes, they will completely derail our plans. There is no fighting this; in such situations, we are invited to accept them and flow with the coming tide. The only way out is through!
- Even when something apparently bad happens in our lives, there is a chance it is for our ultimate good. Keep an open mind and explore the new path. You never know what awaits you on the other end. It could very well be healing, love, happiness, and inner peace.
If you are interested in reading about how I dealt with the aftermath of this episode, subscribe and follow along. I also write about stress management, establishing inner peace, and exploring perspectives that help us stay calm amid adversity.
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