The Ongoing Grief of Family Who Don’t Show Up
And why accepting this can free you.
Our family of origin and the way they show up (or don’t), can leave deep imprints on our psyche, our neurological wiring, our ability to be authentic and show up in our lives, and make deep connections.
Ideally, we would all be given loving, supportive parents who have done self-reflective/healing work. More often than not, they are spinning the wheels of their own past unaddressed pain, which bleeds into how they raise and engage with us.
Having parents or family who didn’t and don’t show up for you is unfair. It is healthy to feel the loss and pain of this, to feel a sense of anger, hurt, and injustice.
The reason this is healthy is that it allows you to process your emotions and fast-tracks you to the conclusion required for your healing: You can’t change anyone else, and you have to pivot toward your own healing and life.
I have seen these dynamics play out.
Working with cancer patients means that I am privy to a unique set of challenges and themes: The physical illness and its impacts, navigating themes of mortality, loss, life reflections, relationship dynamics, and meaning.
I have noticed that there can be a fantasy that parents who were cruel, abusive, neglectful, or disengaged will suddenly turn around and apologize, become accountable, or correct their behavior.
Patients can think: Well, I have cancer, surely they will step up now. Cancer is meant to put things in perspective, right?
Heartbreakingly, this rarely, if ever, happens.
This doesn’t just apply to cancer patients. Overall, understanding that your family can’t/won’t/don’t want to change means you can allocate your energy to building and rebuilding your life instead of chronically looking over your shoulder hoping/thinking/wishing your family would be different.
Acknowledge the loss, when this stings and causes you pain, and pivot towards building/rebuilding your life. This is a wound that can heal, even if you have scar tissue that is going to be sensitive from time to time. There is understandable grief that you don’t have the relationship(s) you wish for, and grief that your family will likely never change irrespective of what you do or don’t do.
Understanding is liberating.
Instead, we can reallocate our energy and healing towards the one place we do have control over: Ourselves, and how/whether we choose to connect with nourishing people in our lives. Sometimes, admittedly, it’s not about engaging/disengagement completely, but understanding where your emotional and energetic investment goes, whether this is a useful allocation of your time and your soul, and adjusting accordingly.
“Don’t expect anyone else to change, and focus on your own healing.”
You can take charge of the experiences you are having in life and the way they make you feel. Don’t allow your family to hold you back from having a life that is fulfilling.
· Face your family for who they are, understand their patterns, and reflect on your own. Don’t expect anyone else to change, and focus on your healing.
· Manage your interactions as required for your own emotional and psychological well-being, which can include limiting contact.
· Acknowledge that mourning and grieving for a relationship you wish you had is reasonable. We all want a loving family, it is unfair if you didn’t receive it, and it’s important to acknowledge this.
Plan for challenging times; this could be around birthdays, holidays, or other friends talking about how loving and supportive their family are.
Your job is to understand this sting, and look after yourself through this time by connecting to supportive people, chosen family/community, and focusing on building a life that is nourishing for you.
© Marianna Jaross 2023
Note: This article is independant of my professional association(s) and workplace(s).
