How I Learned To Love Myself All Over Again

From being hurt to living free

Photo by Bansah Photography on Unsplash

Pain…Whew, PAIN.

The word PAIN is such an uncomfortable word. Many people including myself run from pain, or at least I use to. I still have a slight fear of pain and even a cry of desperation of getting away from it. Heck, I know a few people who have strategically set up their life to be free from pain. It sounded silly, yet somehow reasonable. I can’t say that I blame them for running away from pain. Who wants to experience pain all the time or be hit with it deeply? In our humanness it makes sense to fear certain things. For myself (and perhaps you as well) I would rather just avoid it altogether. There are things in life that can bring you to your knees: pain, loss, fear, emptiness, sadness, etc…

However, this story is not solely about PAIN. It’s about how pain (one of the main characters) brought me back to myself. How I went from believing a certain way to how through pain I grew as a person and became my authentic self.

Throughout life I have come to learn that pain can become your greatest enemy or your greatest friend. I sit here now, writing with tears in my eyes. I feel grateful, free, and uplifted. I didn’t arrive at this point simply by always doing what was right, following the status quo, or even listening to myself.For me, life has always been about kindness, fairness, multiple perspectives, and truth. Having a twin sister shaped my idea of what it means to be fair. If I received something, so did she. If she got ice cream, so did I. It was fair as fair could be. Later on, life also taught me what it looks like when things are not fair.

I also learned how people are a product of their environment. For example, I grew up in the South. My mother and her family are both from New Jersey. My father and his family are from North Carolina. Both of my parents had certain viewpoints that have shaped my personality and thinking. I have always had a dualistic view or even a big-picture view of the world. I have always felt both feminine and/or masculine. When I was a child, I liked to play with dolls, but I also liked to play in the mud.

`Before I tell this story, I must talk about the pain I experienced as a child. The pain of not being accepted, judged, and scolded…