How To Say ‘NO!’ In Daily-life Negotiations By William Ury.
save the deal, save the relationship and still say no (book insights).
I want to share with you William Ury’s strategy for saying 'no!' in daily-life negotiations to satisfy your needs, protect your interests, and, at the same time, save the relationship.
We often need to express our refusal to the behavior of a colleague or family member, or to protect our interests in a conversation with our boss. Unfortunately, however, most people express that refusal very poorly. They don’t have the 'refusal skill,' and they often give in to their human nature:
We act in an accommodating way out of fear, give in to anger and attack violently, or choose to evade by saying nothing at all.
To overcome all these difficulties, William Ury proposes a very efficient and easy-to-apply method.
Let’s dive in!
William Ury’s strategy consists in replacing the negative no by the positive one. The positive no has three parts:
yes. no! yes?
It starts with a yes and finishes with a yes.
Step #1: Base Your “No” On A “Yes”.
The power of your 'yes' comes from the 'yes' behind it. You should determine the deep interest behind your 'no.' Start with something the other person will likely understand and agree with, and express it confidently and respectfully.
The difference between a positive 'no' and simply accommodating is that you respect yourself and what is important to you.
“The key to a positive no is respect. The difference between a positive no and simple acommodating is that you respect yourself and what is important to you. The difference between a positive no and an attack is that you also respect the other person while saying no to their demands or behavior.”-William Ury.
Your 'no' takes all its power and energy from the 'yes' behind it.
This is the secret. You should first find the motivation behind your position and that the other should at least understand and respect and don’t see your position as an attack on his person. You want to protect yourself and your interest and not to attack the others.
Step #2: Express Your Refusal.
After explaining and declaring your interest, it’s now time to express your refusals. Now you should express your no confidently and firmly but also respectfully. Most people are afraid of Confrontation; they try to escape this section in different ways. This is because we are afraid that the other will resist to our legitimate demands and will not be accommodating. However, William Ury propose a very powerful strategy to overcome this problem; of course speaking confidently and respectfully cannot be sufficient.
The solution is to prepare a plan B.
The plan B is what you will do if your request is rejected.
“If you are convinced that you are entirely dependent on the cooperation of the other person, you effectively become a hostage. It is natural for you to feel fear and anger. Your state of despair can easily lead you to give in or to attack. The greatest benefit of Plan B may be that it gives you the psychological freedom you need to say no to the other person effectively, without commanding, evading, or attacking.”-William Ury.
In conflict situations, the other person is more likely to do what you would like them to do if you do not need them to do it.
But remember, Plan B is a way to show your autonomy, not a punishment for the other person.
Step #3: Make A Proposal.
The final step is to offer a yes. Many people forget to make proposals to the other person. They believe their work is done once they’ve expressed their refusal: "Great! I said no! Now it’s time to run away!"
“Perhaps the most common mistake when saying no is to stop there and neglect the possibility of proposing a positive outcome.”William Ury.
When you close one door, you need to open another.
“A no without any alternative can easily cause great frustration in the other person, and you may end up facing the consequences because they might react with anger towards you. They may feel like they’ve been backed into a corner with no way out.”-William Ury.
The best thing you can do is show respect for the other person and their needs. They will be much more likely to accept your 'no' and agree to respect your interests if you can find a way to meet theirs. This is how persuasion works.
