I’m an Atheist. I’ve Seen God.
It was over 20 years ago.
Multiple 4-hour fasting surgeries…
In a short span of time.
I screamed at the sight of the devil and demons climbing in through the window.
But there was no one there.
Doctors said it “happens” after anesthesia.
I inflicted injuries on myself.
The pain in the post-operative period was terrible.
The available anesthesia in my small town was of little help.
And then, one beautiful night…
The dim light…a small lamp illuminated the bedside table.
I couldn’t sleep again because of the pain.
I prayed for it to end.
Suddenly…
I saw a flash of light in the corner opposite the bed.
A silhouette became visible…
Human.
I was asked, “what troubles you?”
“It hurts…I have no more strength…”
“It won’t hurt anymore,” came the reply from the light.
The flash disappeared, and I passed out.
To say it made an impression on me is an understatement.
I hadn’t thought about religion before that.
But after, I had to believe.
Over the following years, I saw many signs, or so I thought.
The most ordinary things began to smell of the supernatural.
A click in the darkness, a crunch, a rumble, a rustle…
It was no longer just like that.
But time passed.
There were achievements and failures. Experience.
There were times when I prayed again…
But no one responded anymore.
I would have preferred not to encounter some events, but they thunderously knocked me from my peak of triumph to the very bottom.
I got up. Every time. By myself.
Always remembering that flash. Thinking about it.
Analyzing my experience, reflecting on the past…
Studying how our brain works. How it can deceive us. Alter memories.
Produce hallucinations. Even without any external substances.
At that moment, my body was pumped full of them very seriously.
Yes, for a reason.
Yes, medically, respectfully.
But chemistry, physics, and our human biology don’t care about that.
I began to analyze not only myself but also the people around me, drawing parallels, trying to find an explanation.
I found it.
With the help of my wife.
Who never believed, simply because…
She never saw anything.
As she says:
“I’ve always been poor at imagination and I don’t have dreams.”
But my imagination is just fine…
All the answers I found afterward never descended from the heavens.
Science provided the answer.
And what about the church? Religion?
Clergymen in gold. On expensive cars. Always in business class.
Forgetting the words of prayers. Swearing.
While their followers scrounge for pennies.
Ordinary people. Driven by the same quite earthly desires.
Looking back at history, people turned to religion in only one case.
When they couldn’t explain. Couldn’t find the answer.
They were afraid to admit to themselves that they just hadn’t looked hard enough.
That they weren’t developed enough to find the answer.
It was easier.
At first, I was afraid.
I wondered what people would say. Parents.
Then I realized who all these people were, whose opinions I feared so much.
- Those who achieved nothing.
- Those I don’t even know.
- Those who never made a difficult choice.
On that day, I finally took off this cross…
These Orthodox chains.
Nothing presses on my chest anymore.
I’ve finally taken responsibility for my actions.
For my life. For my relationships.
For everything that happens and has happened to me.
Completely and entirely.
The question “why” no longer hangs in the air like a dead weight.
It’s finally…resolved.
Thank you for reading!
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