The Easiest Way to Comfort Someone when they are Grieving
Say Something.
I thought expressions like “sorry for your loss” and “my prayers are with you” were trite social conventions — until my son failed to reach out to his father to offer his condolences after a death in the family.
Our family received an outpouring of texts and phone calls from relatives, acquaintances — even social media contacts I had not met in person. It felt like a wellness network acknowledging our loss and it made the silent voices in our family circle more noticeable.
My son explained he was busy with university finals and decided to wait a few days when he had time for a long, heartfelt conversation.
That’s when it clicked for me. A statement like “Sorry for your loss” feels like a platitude only when you are the one not hurting. However, when you are the one mourning, the same sentiment can feel like a balm because someone acknowledged your sadness.
Keep it Simple
There are no perfect words to remedy grief.
Grief acts as a numbing agent. No matter how you feel, or the state of mind of your friend, contact them as soon as possible, especially your own family members. The promptness of a call is more powerful than the actual words. Do not worry about finding the right words. Do not wait for the right moment.
What’s the fewest amount of words to get the job done? “I heard the news. I am so sorry for your loss. I have exams and will call you again in a few days.” Convenient, direct — yet powerful. Even in a text, when it is hard to gauge tone, the sentences carry warmth and comfort.
The most common expressions for condolences are enough. May her memory be a blessing. Sending hugs and love. Keeping you in my prayers. Thinking of you.
Inaction is the Worst Response
Being silent is not just a case of bad manners. It’s worse. Silence can feel like withdrawing love — nothing feels more hurtful. We all have busy lives and pressing concerns. We may have good reasons not to reach out, reasons that have nothing to do with loved ones around us. Remember, in times of grief, emotions run high, and feelings are easily hurt.
Silence comes across as an intention of not wanting to be there.
A classic response to grief is to avoid it. A common scenario is when a person avoids discomfort — and then others get hurt feelings. Family relationships have been strained by the seemingly pragmatic family member who said, “Why should I go? She’ll not know if I go to the funeral. She is dead.”
Seriously! Show up and be there for others. Sit beside the people you love. When they talk, listen. Being too busy with your concerns is not mature behavior. It’s not the time to trigger family disputes, discuss personal grievances, or withhold love. We understand that dealing with relationships and sadness is awkward. When you cannot physically sit beside someone because of distance, try one phrase as a shortcut, “Sorry for your loss.”
Some Conversations are the Wrong Ones
Often, the deceased leave behind problematic relationships or unresolved situations. Upset and stressed people react inappropriately. Death creates uncomfortable feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and regret. Family members may lash out with passive-aggressive comments. They make say bad jokes to protect — or project their feelings.
That is why waiting for a heartfelt, intimate conversation may be the wrong approach. Instead, be prepared to listen. Receive comments without judgment. Try not to deflect and fill an awkward silence by reminiscing about our experiences with death. In this situation, connecting events with a story about ourselves is not helpful. When we share our stories, make it all about a favorite memory of the deceased.
We might inadvertently say something like, “Cheer up. It will get better with time.” The statement may be sound, but it minimizes the pain and grief of the moment. Instead, be present. Instead of fixing or making predictions, acknowledge the sadness. Tell your friends and family you are there for them. Admit that you don’t know what to say. Offer your shoulder to cry on. Ask if there is something you can do.
For those who prefer to express love with action, here are some ideas:
- Flowers. People who give flowers like to receive flowers.
- Cards. Receiving something via postal service is always a surprise.
- Food. Bring on the comfort foods! Casseroles, chocolates, gift cards to a favorite restaurant.
- Gatherings. If you are able, attend the funeral or memorial service. It’s meaningful and healing for attendees. The contemplations inspire deep thinking about your role in our one life around the sun. If the burial is private or there is no religious ceremony, encourage a formal or informal gathering to share memories. Offer to research venues, a park, a club, a hotel, or a restaurant. See if a friend will host a reception. Organize a group of people to help.
- Share funeral plans and obituaries. Family members do not know every social group. Reach out to your circles of friends and share the news. Tell others to reach out directly to the family (ask them how they want that to happen.)
- Share memories. Write up memories. Collect photos and forward them to the family.
The more we show up during hard times, the more amazing we become
We never finish learning. My sister-in-law lost her mother. I don’t have a deep connection with her because she lives out of state. “Sorry for your loss,” I texted, as soon as I heard the news. It was a tiny way to console her. Weeks later, she was still on my mind, so I sent a box of chocolates with a card, “thinking of you.”
Reaching out does not come naturally. Practice making connections to people during hard times. Practice the ways you console people.
