This Is Why You Feel Empty
The reality of insecurity and self-deprecation
It’s astonishing how well we do at belittling ourselves not only via negative self-talk but by actively making the wrong decisions.
Look in the mirror. How do you feel — not about the person you see, but the person you are?
Your looks don’t matter in this assessment. You could see a beautiful reflection but still feel like a massive failure. You could look tired and dishevelled, but if you’ve just completed a successful brain surgery (or perhaps a less impressive job), you will still feel great about yourself. That’s because your psyche is not concerned with your looks but instead with your thoughts, self-image, and how you feel about yourself.
It’s astonishing how well we do at belittling ourselves not only via negative self-talk but by actively making the wrong decisions. We treat our minds and bodies poorly, compensating only with nice possessions and superficial beauty. We care more about how our outfit looks when we go out for two hours than how unkempt our living space has been for two and a half months.
It’s this tiny self-worth that we possess that sets us back from ever making any real or profound change in our lives. We attract the wrong people, normalize barely decent treatment from others, and deem ourselves unlucky — compared to the other people we decided are lucky.
We drown in comparison and do little to save ourselves from misery.
Small enough = no threats
Staying insecure keeps you small and secure. No fears of greatness can threaten your little fort, and no concerns occupy your mind besides perhaps the meal you’ll indulge in next—the epitome of a barely fulfilling life.
Why do you do this? Here are a few possible reasons:
- You have a deluded sense of self — you believe at your core that something is deeply wrong with you.
- You never challenged your limiting beliefs — whatever your mind projects, you accept.
- You are desperate for validation — in your quest for connection and friendship, you make yourself the weak target that needs saving and accepting.
- You avoid responsibility — self-deprecating allows you to avoid the pain of making changes in your life.
- You avoid discomfort — you don’t want to leave your safety net, so you accept your smallness.
- Perfectionism and lack of patience — you set unrealistic standards for yourself that are impossible to achieve instantaneously.
The Consequences
1. Failed Relationships
Not only do you suffer in silence in your little fort, but you rank poorly in your social connections because you cannot show up for others.
“The reason we’re often not there for others— is that we’re not there for ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living
When our lives lack genuine connections that rely on reciprocal bonding and support, our well-being suffers drastically.
It is no surprise that people will actively avoid negative or draining people because life is hard enough as it is. A friendship strongly reliant on receiving misery, complaints, and negativity cannot survive nor flourish to its full potential. Instead, the friendship will serve as a reminder of your poor condition.
2. Severed Spirituality
A well-functioning human cannot survive without spirituality — whatever that means for you. Existing for a greater purpose is a good enough reason to wake up in the morning and believe in the goodness of others. When you lose that, you lose yourself.
Existing in a low-vibration state erodes your sense of self and severs your connection to something greater than yourself. You start losing faith, questioning your purpose, and exist in a vacuum of spiritual emptiness. You are only alienating yourself this way, reinforcing your inner turmoil and increasing your anxiety and hopelessness as a result.
3. Always back to square one
When you operate through a deluded sense of self, you will always find yourself hopping on the same train you boarded several times before. You will work out for a month, quit for eight months, and then suddenly restart the same workout routine. You will conjure a business idea, develop the concept, tell everyone about it, and then discard the entire vision into oblivion.
If this pattern sounds familiar, it might be time to confront yourself.
The Cure
Do the opposite and start over.
- You have a deluded sense of self
Start journaling, reframing the negative idea of yourself you conceived in your mind. Ask your closest friends what your best qualities are. Take a personality test. Approach your inner world with uncanny kindness.
2. You never challenged your limiting beliefs
Write down at least ten beliefs holding you back.
Ask yourself questions like, ‘What do I believe about success?’ ‘What is the core reason I don’t accomplish what I want?’ ‘What is holding me back?’ ‘What do I believe about myself?’, ‘ What do I believe about the world around me?’
3. You are desperate for validation
Start your day with morning affirmations. Post a picture you’ve always wanted to but were too afraid to or make a decision without consulting anyone. Avoid seeking opinions from anyone for as long as possible.
4. You avoid responsibility
What is one thing you’ve been neglecting? It could be the state of your living space, your parents, or finances. Make a decisive decision to deal with something stressing you out, or have been called lazy about. The satisfaction you will get will fuel the energy you need to start over with your life.
5. You avoid discomfort
Schedule one activity per month that you would normally avoid. It could be grocery shopping (as opposed to ordering through an app), visiting extended family, or signing up for a seminar in your field. Conceptualize it as a challenge you will gain infinite points for. Make it less scary in your mind, like it’s just another ordinary task.
The more you do this, the better you will get at confronting and alleviating discomfort.
6. Perfectionism and lack of patience
Consider the ‘done is better than perfect’ rule. Don’t quit because your work isn’t perfect—it’s not a good enough reason to sever your ambition. Keep moving forward, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. When you face delays, consider it an adjustment to the plan — don’t take it personally.
Isra A. is a passionate writer based in Bahrain, a little island in the Middle East.