You Are Not Who You Think You Are
So let’s find out who is really underneath
Years of negative programming have misled you to believe that the way you see yourself is exactly the same way that other people see you.
Years of their own programming will lead them to make their own conclusions about you, regardless of how you feel about yourself.
Underneath those two conscious perceptions, there is a flicker of the person you think you would like to become.
That part of your soul that others apparently like, but you don’t know why.
That characteristic that you see readily in others but ignore, or worse, repress, in yourself.
That blueprint of the person you would be if life hadn’t played out the way it did…
Whenever two people meet there are really six people present. There is each one as they see themselves, each one as the other person sees them and each one as they really are — William James
All of the subtle variations of who we are, and can be to others, are but pure figments of the imagination. They are simultaneously persuasive in their uncanniness and preposterously fictitious, like a hall of mirrors.
You’ve been told ever since you were young that you are this type of person or that everyone in the family goes on to have this career. You feel molded by circumstances that were outside of your control or fleeting, seemingly inconsequential events that have unwittingly shaped your whole existence up to this point right now.
Watch your thoughts. They become words. Watch your words. They become deeds. Watch your deeds. They become habits. Watch your habits they become character. Watch your character it becomes your destiny
— Lao Tzu
It is allowed to be both terrifying and liberating simultaneously, and if it feels triggering, then there’s something go on beneath the surface….
Underneath, the thick, heavy layers that have accumulated like moss on a stone in the forest, there is a child who was once curious and playful and terribly alive and now they sit on that rock with a furrowed brow, confused and pondering and lost and they ask themselves…
“Who am I?”
So, let’s find out who you really are…
Write often and intentionally
Journaling and writing in general is one of the most underrated ways of understanding yourself and your place within the world around you.
Writing will clarify what it is that you want to express and condense all of that noise in your head into a succinct and formulated argument.
Knowing that you can trust in your own words and can call upon them when required is an edifying release from the chains of negative feedback loops.
As your writing develops, you will gain confidence and assertiveness when you speak because you know that you have the full weight of the linguistic universe at your command.
I encourage my students to dabble with both the first person and third person narratorial voice when they write — these are micro/macro expressions of perception which add depth and texture to various styles of writing.
Of course, there are exceptions where certain narrative voices work better than others. Blogs should be predominantly in the first person in order to sound conversational, relatable and connective. Conversely, in another context the first person sounds unprofessional and self-important. Learn to move freely between the two.
Passive writing can at times feel draggy and vague and as AI starts to makes its mark, the authentic voice of the human individual lends agency and relatability to a piece of writing.
Do it every day and better understand how the person you want to be communicates.
Interrogate the strengths and weaknesses of the archetypes you aspire to be
As humans, we are neither indefatigable machines of resilience, nor pre-determinedly hopeless.
We have seasons in our lives and these seasons are less prescriptive and more erratic than even climate breakdown.
Some times are good. Sometimes it is bad. It’s all a part of life. Sometimes, we flourish and make magic happen that lifts those around us, and at other times we claw perniciously at the people we love as we try to drag them down into our vortex of misery.
Company does not love misery.
Company just wants you to try and be good. It does not expect you to be perfect. You expect that from yourself, but not others — why?
We can aim at the stars and fall short and do so with the knowledge that we tried and that even our heroes are fallible.
Amidst the noise and the haze of modern living in which we are prescribed “the good life” by the media and our contemporaries, it can be easy to lose track of the path we were meant to walk.
The values and virtues that archetypes embody can help to drive us in the right direction by determining what it is that we consider to be critical to us in this life.
We emulate icons not to mimic their journey but to forge our own maps of meaning like constellations in the sky.
Teach others how you wish to be treated
Humans are highly suggestible creatures. We’ve evolved to be reactive and responsive in order to survive. Social cohesion (whether we are accepted or rejected by the herd) plays a key role in our survival.
It is natural to worry about meeting the expectations that others may have of us.
This leads us to engage in toe-curlingly awkward niceties, over-accommodating and disingenuous pleasantries.
Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless and uninteresting — Robert A. Glover
British Politicians are a prime example of this. They avoid answering questions with undesirable answers. They squirm and pander to their audience because they have an image to uphold on which their entire marginal identity is based.
Obsequious, untrustworthy, permissive, winding on and on until:
I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!!!
— Howard Beale, The Network, 1976
Being likeable is not the same as being liked and the success of our relationships does not depend on who we think the other person thinks we are.
It depends on our authority to tell them who we are.
If we expect that someone is looking down on us — that is what we communicate to them. If we are reacting to a preconception of the person in front of us we are playing a losing game.
We are giving them the green light to treat us as inferior because we have already prefaced the interaction with doubt or hesitancy.
Simplicity is key.
It becomes clear to others very quickly how you see yourself by how you carry yourself, communicate and lead.
Our words account for a mere fraction of how we are perceived. Our tone of voice, posture and micro-expressions play a much larger role and this has a psychological effect on the person you are speaking to.
When I finish speaking to an acquaintance, mentor, date or mutual friend — I don’t always remember the exact words exchanged. I do remember how it made me feel.
Was it a playful, dynamic, lively interaction grounded in the present moment or was one of us preoccupied by something else?
If the person you are speaking to FEELS that you are worth listening, they will invest more of their focus and attention in you and you will be able to showcase who you really are.
Keep it simple. Say it with conviction. Hold the space.
If in doubt, rip it up and start again
You only live once, but if you do it right, then once is enough — Mae West
The average human gets 4,000 weeks, or so says Oliver Burkeman. This revelation usually shocks most and makes them feel hopelessly overcome by pangs of existential dread.
It shouldn’t.
4,000 weeks is a bloody godsend!
Knowing how precious and miraculous this time should spur people on, at any stage in their lives, to rebuild who they are even if they are starting from scratch.
Burkeman’s now symbolic estimation also implies that you only make it to the age of 76.7 (the average life expectancy in the west), but if you’ve read this far you’re probably not content with being average.
Where you’ve come from, what you’ve done and the mistakes you’ve made — none of it means anything.
Try to realise it’s all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you’re only very small and life flows on within you and without you — George Harrison
We live in an age like no other — the internet is infinite, the barriers to entry have been torn down, everything is at our fingertips and nothing is unrealistic any more.
Anyone who tells you that otherwise has their own demons to face before their advice can be of any use.
So don’t wait for them to come up with the goods — you have a lot to be getting on with…don’t you?
Freddie Kift — I write about skill acquisition, communication, flow states, collaboration and technology.
