What To Do If You Are Being Yelled At By A Stranger About Politics
Having political conversations in public can always be risky. However, doing them productively is far from impossible.
This happened to me not too long ago:
I was sitting with some friends in a local park, when we noticed two men stood at the main intersection of the area, talking loudly at passers-by.
As we approached to see what was going on, it became apparent that their comments were centered around a specific theme: thanking passers-by for not wearing masks.
Now, where I live masks are not mandatory outside of public buildings, and usually few people wear them while outdoors unless they are in close proximity to others. Regardless, COVID is still very much present here and for the most part, the two men’s comments were met with dismissive eye-rolls.
It wasn’t until we walked over and they noticed our prolonged stares that they picked us as their targets. We were promptly met with an accusation of,
“Are you guys trying to suppress my freedom of speech?”
This question seems like it came out of nowhere right? That’s because it did.
The answer was no. Importantly, we hadn’t actually said anything to them yet, so I personally feel he jumped the gun a bit on this one.
Believe it or not, the conversation only went downhill from there. Within a few minutes, tempers were flared. It would take another 45 minutes for the conversation to be over.
Our quarrel had not gone unnoticed, and partway through another group of three people had joined and began — more aggressively might I add — speaking with the two men.
In terms of a story, this one had an extremely anti-climactic ending. But as an experience, it gave me a good insight into the Do’s and Don’ts of talking to a stranger about politics.
In particular, one who is yelling in your face.
Do: Introduce yourselves to each other, then say their name often.
This may sound like an odd first tip, however, it seemed incredibly useful as the conversation went on. When it became clear that this conversation might last some time, I stopped the discussion momentarily and asked for their names. One of them in particular — whose name I won't share for obvious reasons — seemed particularly taken back by this.
Yet as time went on, I found whenever I was interrupted, yelled over, or ignored, simply saying “Bob, I was just trying to say…” it got their attention more often than not.
This is not in of itself a game-changer, but it definitely made a connection with them and allowed us to relate more closely.
Don’t: Match their aggression.
This was the approach taken for all of 2 minutes in the beginning. We quickly realised this was a losing battle.
Often aggression needs something to be charged by — a social catalyst. Remove that catalyst, and aggression is harder to generate and justify.
No matter how much you want to yell back, don’t. Remain calm and speak at an almost indoor level. The type of person to come to a park and berate passers-by will likely have far more patience, more mental stamina for aggression, and far less embarrassment than you. Accept this, and try another approach.
An approach, like…
Do: Bring the conversation back to their body.
This is a technique I learned from dialogue facilitation courses and works unbelievably well when used appropriately.
The idea here is — when talking about large, contentious, political issues — try bringing the conversation back down to their body.
When talking about the supposed infringement of masks on our civil rights, I asked…
“How does this infringement of your rights make you feel? Are you anxious, angry, fearful?”
And, whenever he asked something along the lines of, “don’t you think…” I would respond with a yes/no, but then root it back to an emotion I associated with that thought. From here, you can flip it back and say,
“Do you feel anything similar to this?
Don’t overuse this technique of course, at risk of the conversation becoming an impromptu and likely nonconsensual therapy session. However, I realised very quickly the phrase “facts don’t care about your feelings,” which was unironically used by one of them, funnily enough does not apply when it’s their feelings being discussed.
Doing this reminded everyone we are, ultimately, people. Not political agents, but humans. We can then recognize this humanity and use it to relate with one another.
Don’t: Try to change their minds.
This was the hardest pill to swallow. No matter how hard you try, the likelihood that you will actually cause a fundamental shift in anyone’s thinking in just one conversation is extremely little. Secondly, if this is your aim they will almost definitely notice this and then reject anything you say out of hand.
Instead, speak in an attempt to give them the opportunity for alternative modes of thinking.
I’ll say it again, because if you take anything away from this article I want it to be this:
Do not try to change their mind, try to give them the opportunity for alternative modes of thinking.
This was a phrase first introduced to me while taking part in a Reflective Structured Dialogue workshop, and honestly, it changed the way I have conversations. The mental anguish you go through trying to change people’s minds is intense. Furthermore, trying to do so can move any conversation into a debate — one which you will never win, regardless of how good your argument is.
Speak in order to show them how other people might view their idea. Additionally, there are a ton of ways you can do this. From memory, here is one I used:
“If you were someone trying to change your own mind, what would you say to yourself?”
I was very upfront with my intention here — I am trying to give them the chance to challenge their own views. Not me challenging it, but themselves.
This was also capitalizing on a comment they made about how they would change their mind, if only they were given a strong enough argument against what they had to say; of course, we all know that in a public setting no such argument could ever exist.
The response was pretty underwhelming, but it was definitely one of the first times in the conversation that any real self-reflection took place.
Do: Set boundaries
Be honest with yourselves and them. Acknowledge that you understand they will likely not change their minds here and now — and vice versa. We did not do this very well at the park, hence the conversation lasting almost an hour.
Tell them you would like to talk, but if they are just going to yell you will leave. Also, if the conversation is getting too intense in any way, let them know you are going to leave. You don’t owe it to anyone to have this conversation, but by knowing a boundary has been set — even just mentally — you might feel you can go much further than you otherwise would.
Don’t: Carry the conversation with you
Once the conversation is done, let it end. You can reflect, yet try not to dwell. Obsessing over what you should have said or done will only lead to burnout. You want to avoid this at all costs. Burnout can ruin not only the rest of your day, but it can also engender you against having political conversations with strangers in the future.
The potential reward for having these types of discussions is immense, as you can learn about new perspectives entirely removed from your own, meanwhile offering your perspective to someone else. This is the foundation of a healthy political community.
A healthy community, however, needs healthy people: both physically and mentally. Look after yourself. If you feel the conversation is hanging over you for the rest of the day, write down any thoughts you have or insights gained, and do something entirely different.
The last thing you want is to let that anger fester, grow, and then have you become the person yelling comments at passers-by in the park.
Now more than ever we need to take a long, hard look at the way we are doing politics. How we experience and engage with political issues is just as important — yet far less acknowledged — than simply the content of our political ideas. To read more on this topic, feel free to subscribe to Practicing Politics, a new publication looking at how it is we ‘do’ our politics…
