Addictive Amour
Where does a man go when his lover ensnares him into addiction?
In a room of empathetic eyes, broken hearts, and people who had suffered as captives to their own motivated desires, Adam felt heavily introspective about his deplorable situation. Somehow, the longer he waited, listening to people share their most vulnerable sides to the group, the emptier he felt inside. His faith in humanity was shrinking by the minute, and it was about time that he did something about it. One way or the other, his story needed a voice, and tonight was the night the group was going to hear him speak. As a million voices swarmed his head, he was brought back to reality by the coordinator who asked the room, “Does anybody else wish to share?”
At that moment, he knew that he could no longer procrastinate the inevitable. He reluctantly hobbled his way to the centre of the room and watched his fellow peers follow his every step with the utmost attention. His eyes searched for a way out, his mind sought to hide behind a disillusioned reality, and his heart rate increased multifold. After finally mustering the courage to regain control over his voice, Adam said, “Hello, I am Adam, and I am an addict”. The room responded to his introduction with a resounding “Hello, Adam!” in unison.
Adam continued to speak, “I must admit, I have my reservations about opening up this part of my life to the world. It seems naive to believe that a world devoid of judgement exists, when I myself have seldom been able to resist the temptations of the dark side. It is just so easy to bottle it all up and preserve the sanctity of my emotions. But, alas, I can no longer play hide and seek from my issues, as it has now led me down a path of misery where I am captive to my addictions.”
“I am not here to seek help; I am here as a chained messiah who implores you to learn from the mistakes of the man who stands before you in shackles. So, join me as I share my experience with addiction.”
“I regret selling my soul for companionship. I initiated contact for that relationship, and admittedly that was just a consequence of being lonely. She would feed me a little at first, just enough to give me the rush but not too much to scare me away. As time passed, I grew to love the attention she gave me; I could even hear her call out to me from different rooms. I gave her a home, sheltered her, protected her, and fostered her while she infested and intoxicated me with her physical appeal and fallacies. She kept the room dark at night so that I would always crawl back to her in search of the light. I was hoping the habit would die quietly, but she had other plans. She slowly began to control and manipulate me; she even infiltrated my social conversations. I made so many excuses for her. I explained away my lack of concentration and motivation by pinning the blame on the lack of effort of others who were trying to support me.
Eventually, I let god be my witness and let the devil take the wheel. She showed me riches and fantasies that were so fun to chase while I was inebriated. Who knew that our entanglement would wreck my reality until it would be too late to salvage the remains? Make no mistake, I was aware of my actions but could not bring about the changes I desired, for I had drowned my voice in her expansive ocean. I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts, and separation anxiety was a mountain that would prove to be too tall to climb.
Besides, a part of me did not mind the fact that my relationships were turning sour, because her voice always made it seem so enticing and acceptable. Deep down, I knew it was wrong. But deep down, the right things in me had left long ago with no note for their absence. I cried about it to her every night, and she would share her stories in attempts to make me feel better. She was unbelievably insightful and gave me perspective but rendered me dependent. I realised that I was addicted to her presence in my life, and in my quest to pretend that nothing was wrong with our relationship, I was defending the way it controlled every single move of my life. My eyes were open, but I was blind to the poison that I was consuming. Was I suicidal? Was I a masochist?
These are questions I did ask myself, and in those rare moments of sober lucidity, I would gain clarity and vow to distance myself to create a safe space in the relationship. But rehabilitation became redundant the moment I met others who had spent nights of bliss with her in my absence. I ran back into her arms. She took me back in, and this time, introduced me to her friends. In the end, a promise of feeling included amongst her community and feeling validated of being worthy led me down a rabbit hole that would only strip me of my confidence and purpose.
It was only a matter of time before I decided to spend the days with her as well. From sunrise to sunset and until sunrise again, we would be inseparable. I still can’t believe how I fell for the lies and filtered sharing of narratives. She was my bitter pleasure, and we shared moments with each other while revealing parts of each other that we hid from the world. It was our intimacy that was killing me, and I was too timid to sever all ties. I was desperately in need of help, but the impact of our deadly tango had already alienated me from people who I once considered my world. It is true that I have never experienced anything as empowering and emasculating as our relationship”. Adam paused for a moment as he could feel real tears well up in his eyes, thinking about the destructive nature of his habit and cursed relationship. He took a deep breath and proceeded with his enthralling narration that had silenced the whispers in the room.
“Peer pressure is a powerful curse that is woefully evil. I was ready to cut my losses with her, but the lustful demon in me hated the person I became without her. I woke up every day and spat at myself in the mirror. How could I stand myself after deserting the one who knew me inside out? We had decided to make the relationship open, but I did not think that she would begin to see other people so quickly. Every time someone offered to share her with me to help sort out our issues, I would end up feeling sick, and in an attempt to spill the beans of sanity, I would puke my guts out.
The deadliest tactic in her arsenal was the fact that the more I starved myself of her presence, the tighter the noose of desperation around my neck became. It is hard to go the distance when everything you have to say becomes needles in the haystack, and all you see are people who wear cloaks with daggers at your back.
The love we had was sweet, but it would send me to my grave and fertilize the daisies at my headstone. I knew it was a fragile and sensitive topic of discussion to bring up abstinence. But it was an argument that we should have had ages ago.
She proclaimed that my priorities had shifted and I was no longer giving her the time of day she deserved. In a fit of rage, I threw her out of my house along with my phone and let her stay out in the rain all night. For better or worse, that night has been the beginning of the end”, said Adam, with the crowd’s attention fixated on him like moths drawn to a flame. He knew that all of them had a singular question burning in their minds. He shook his head, smirked a little to himself, and continued his monologue.
“Where have I been since that fateful night? In the morning, I took her to therapy with me, and she was professing her love for me while hiding her bloodthirsty fangs that sought to ruin me. Well, I have planned to part ways with her once and for all and without ever entertaining the possibility of relapse. I have pledged to cleanse our sinful engagement with the people who saved me as my witness and me firmly behind the wheel this time around.” Adam continued to talk while taking out his phone.
“I am Adam, and I am a social media addict. So, with a light heart, I hope never to cross paths with her ever again; I bid farewell to the wardens of my clinical depression and request all of you to reflect and do the same if needed.”
With those final words, tear-stained cheeks, and deafening applause, he deleted the apps that had held him hostage and made him miserable for the longest time.
