Ask Annie: How to Be Chill

Every month, Annie answers your burning questions about life, work, and everything that happens in between.

ASK ANNIE VOL. 1: What even is this?

When we walk into the office in the morning, we bring our humanity with us — random interests, sadnesses, lived experiences, and so much more that most people around us don’t get to experience. There can be pressure to ‘leave it at the door,’ but it’s not always that simple. I want to honor our Multitudes with a column in the vein of Dear Sugar, Dear Abby, and the many more touchy-feely confidants that came before me. So with that…

Welcome to Ask Annie. Every month, I’ll answer a few of your questions, in hopes of sparking conversations, validating your experiences, or providing insight on your burning queries as best I can. I don’t have all the answers (you may see some guest appearances down the line) but I do have a desire to listen to everyone. I’ll try to keep this funky and fresh, but so often during our busy days, we just need a hug. I want this to be that hug. SO SPILL THE TEA TO ME, PEOPLE. Your questions are anonymous, and always will be.

Dear Annie,

How do you maintain progress on your creative ventures outside of work?

Signed,
Seeking a Side Hustle

Dear SSH,

Ah, the age-old problem with art — you usually need a day job. But after a long day at that day job, it’s hard to make time for your side projects. After a full day at work, all I really want to do is see my friends, go to a yoga class, or watch TV and turn my brain off. At one point, I blinked and realized I had gone two years without writing a single thing for myself. If you struggle to balance your art with the rest of your life like I do, you have to carve out time in your schedule for it. If you have to be military-level strict about it, so be it.

I have a crippling fear of letting people down, so seeking out opportunities where I’d be accountable to a group helped me prioritize my writing. Whatever your passion, finding a workshop or class to take and finding a community to stay connected with is a huge help. A friend and I have a standing weekly appointment to work on our writing at a nearby coffee shop before work. There are way fewer conflicts in the morning, so we haven’t missed that many sessions. And once you start making time, the fire under your ass gets warmer, and it’s easier to make more time, or give in to a spontaneous writing session. It’s great. So schedule time for yourself! Stick to it! Your life will feel fuller once you know that you are committing to your passion, even if it’s just an hour each week.

I received three different variations on the following question. I promise, I’m not answering just because it’s couched in a compliment of my character. I feel the sentiment is a really important one.

Annie, you are so calm, joyful, and authentic. What is your advice or outlook for life to those who are inspired by your demeanor?

Signed,
Want to be more CHILL

Dear Chill,

I’m honored and shocked so many people think this, because at heart I’m really just a dark demon who pictures small animals whimpering to stay calm. Only when my thirst for blood is quenched can I pass as a normal, feeling human.

Just kidding!!! I had you going there, I know. It’s a very real human response to fear/anxiety/negativity-spiral when things get real, and after a while, it can become a baseline. I don’t believe in telling people “don’t be sad,” “smile more” or any other invalidating respectability-politics BS. But I do believe that no one should have to live in a constant state of stress… and that with work and support, anyone can develop coping mechanisms to feel secure in spite of uncontrollable external factors. I’ve been a naturally energetic person since I was born, but my zen outlook on life has become part of my identity only in my adult years. My dad died of cancer when I was 18 and the suckathon of losing the person I loved most, then having to keep the rest of my family together, made me realize a few things:

• Life is too short to stress about small things you can’t control.
• Stressful things happen each day, but most are not dire. You can deal with a problem without letting it consume you.
• No matter what happens, you will be okay. Each situation you tackle will make you better prepared for the next.
• Sometimes there are big things to enjoy (a promotion, a new relationship) but most days don’t bring those firework moments. And that’s okay. Find happiness from appreciating things that come from yourself and are within your control: a walk, a good conversation, a great book, a roof over your head. Find ways to be grateful.
• Setting up safeguards (big and small) in your life that make you feel secure can help you to keep a normal emotional baseline, and to better cope when things actually go wrong. For me, this looks like regular exercise, seeing a therapist, making my bed in the morning (seriously) and surrounding myself with great friends. Figure out what those safeguards look like for you!

Sometimes, I just remind myself that I’m safe and strong. Remember that you are, too. If you feel you actually aren’t safe, please tell someone you trust and seek help. Being “chill and happy” doesn’t look like the same thing for everyone — and that’s okay. You are enough.

I recently had a minor conflict with another person at work. I addressed it over Slack, because we work in different offices. Unfortunately, my Slack message was poorly received and we never came to a resolution. On one hand, it was definitely a small-potatoes issue, and in no way necessitated getting my manager or HR involved. On the other, it was definitely something that was upsetting in the moment and there was no real resolution — I moved on without feeling like I’d been adequately heard or even that they’d given me their reasoning for their behavior. It got me wondering: How do you balance wanting to be heard/having your needs met vs. knowing when to let things go, especially in workplace confrontations?

-SLACKBAE

Slackbae,

As a conflict-averse person who happens to have a STRONG desire for justice, I really feel your pain on this one. Sometimes, letting something go just isn’t an option when you feel you’ve been wronged, especially if not addressing it will cause it to fester inside you. So first off, good for you for proactively expressing how you felt.

I think one issue here is people don’t like being called out, and tend to get defensive or shut down when it happens. It’s unfortunate, but that’s their problem. You are entitled to speak your mind and address bothersome behavior — you only owe them the courtesy of doing it in a respectful manner. We do people a disservice when we don’t hold them accountable for their actions.

I see why you handled the issue over Slack because you were in different locations. In many cases, speaking up as soon as an issue occurs is the best way to handle a conflict.. .it prevents it from turning into something bigger, and saves you a lot of dwelling. However, I think had this been handled over the phone (if IRL wasn’t an option) there may have been a better result. The emotional barrier of online interactions can lead people to misinterpret tougher conversations, and the separation also gives people the opportunity to not take something seriously. I think an in-person or phone convo is always the way to go and more often leads to greater understanding and resolution between two parties.

I’m always a proponent of checking myself when something bothers me, just in case I am projecting my own stuff onto someone else. (This happens often, so the self-reflection saves me many headaches.) Or, before talking with someone, ask yourself what you hope to achieve from the conversation. Is it being listened to? Having someone change their behavior that’s disruptive to you? All valid things. As long as you are intentional and thoughtful about these conversations, they can be productive and don’t have to be a big deal. Everyone deserves to be heard. Good luck out there!

Honorable mention goes to the person who asked where they could get a matching salmon jumpsuit. It’s from Madewell and it is currently on sale. Be the third Salmon Sister… if you dare.

That’s it for now. See you next month! In the meantime, keep submitting those questions via the form. I look forward to answering them.

P.S. ONE more free piece of advice…vote on November 6th.

PEACE OUT,
Annie