Immigrants to Bush: Learn English, U.S. Values

By William Craig
The Aggravated Press
OMAHA, Neb. (June 7, 2006) — New arrivals to this country urged President Bush to learn English and adopt American values, a spokesman for immigrant workers said yesterday.
The president touted his immigration reform plan at a community center that offers immigrants English classes and business start-up help. However,

many in the “illegal” community said he needs those services more than they do.
“Most of us learn fast, by necessity,” said community leader Angel Maria Morales, “as immigrants to the U.S. have always done. We learn English to understand our bosses here, or to negotiate with customers, since many of us start our own service or construction businesses. The president, on the other hand, has never had a job or a business that wasn’t bought for him, and he can’t say ‘nuclear’ or ‘terrorists.’ He definitely needs help.”
President Bush wants to offer citizenship to long-resident “illegals,” but is feeling political pressure from constituents worried about costs sometimes associated with immigration, including increased expenditures for schools, police and health care. In response, the president has pandered to fear by sending National Guard troops to the border and talking tough.
“You got to repay a debt to society,” Bush told immigrants yesterday, “and learn the skills necessary to assimilate into our society. Show us you’ve been working hard.”
“‘Show us you’ve been working hard’? Is he kidding?” asked Teresa Gutierrez, a frequent visitor to the community center, where she is drawing up a plan for an office-cleaning business. “What’s he think we’re doing here? Illegal immigration has always been about jobs. The only welfare queens left in America sit on the boards of Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil and GM.”

“It’s a matter of American values,” said Morales, who worked for years at meat-packing plants in the Midwest and Northeast which attract illegal immigrants with no-questions-asked jobs paying less than legal wages. He recently started a lawn-care business in Omaha that employs six people, two of them “Anglo” youths, at two dollars above minimum wage. “The president needs to join us in citizenship class,” he said, “and finally study all that stuff he skipped at Yale, like U.S. history and the Constitution.
“I mean,” Morales adds with a smile, “most everybody wants to learn English, but nowhere in the Constitution does it say that America is an English-speaking country. For that matter, nowhere does it say that America is a capitalist country, or a Christian country, or that wealthiness is next to godliness.
“On the other hand,” he noted, “the Constitution does say that only Congress shall have the power to declare war, that nobody should be held indefinitely without trial,and that everyone should be free from warrantless searches — — all the stuff you guys fought King George III for. We’ve been reading up in class, and we think Mr. Bush is deeply confused.”
The president announced the creation of a task force to further immigrant education in English and “values.” He also said he would establish an Office of Citizenship within the Department of Homeland Security, which would promote the responsibilities and rights of U.S. citizens.
“I already got values,” said Linda Pintura, a hospital laundress. “We sneak over the border to work hard for a better life. He stole two elections to rob the country blind for his rich friends. Who’s the menace? Who got the American values?”
“Wow,” said recent immigrant Juan Portuondo, a mason’s tender. “Kinda choke you up with pride and gratitude, huh? I sure wanna hurry up and get natural so’s I can have my rights protected by that Office of Fatherland — — desculpame — — ‘Homeland’ Security. Whatever. Hey, I’d love to talk more, but I gotta go ‘put food on my family.’”
As if sensing that his usual mix of vague “compassion” and explicit fearmongering wasn’t playing well with this audience, Bush swerved to take a non sequitur swipe at Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. When a visitor to the center, Lourdes Secola, told the president that she was from Venezuela, Bush told her that he worries about her country.
“I think it will be okay,” Bush told Secola. “But it’s going to take awhile. Sometimes leaders show up who do a great disservice to the traditions and people of a country.”
At that point, however, the president was drowned out by gales of derisive laughter, punctuated by shouts of “Ya think?” and “No, really?” which continued until he was led away.

Ripped from the headlines, with apologies to The Associated Press and Washington Post

— — HistoryBuff