Junior designer photoshopping crotch bulges wonders if drop from this height would kill him
Jackson Wayne, 24 year old graduate of SCAD, looks out the window of the offices of Bobcat Creative’s 3rd floor office in Chelsea longingly. “I went to art school dreaming of becoming a great painter someday. I’m a fan of Basquiat, David Hockney, and Hopper. Love me some Hopper man. I still paint in my spare time. Lots of cool dark shit you know? Assuming I’m not exhausted from a day of photoshopping dicks.”
Wayne made the practical decision to learn design to leverage art and a living as many do. He’s been working tirelessly to make edits to photos for client Chosen Denim, a Christian jean startup. Hence the bulge reduction.
“I’ve been at this for days,” he says. “It really makes me wonder if a drop from this height could end this project finally. The client says ‘make their crotch less big’ then I do just that and their like ‘no no that’s too small, buff that beefer up’. Then I do that and he goes back and is like ‘we’re Christians here friend, give them a bloat that your mother would be ok with’. I think their CEO is…struggling. I mean listen, I’ll do most anything to end this madness. I mean I don’t want to die necessarily, but I also think I could generate enough impact to get into a nice coma.”
Experts in the field are still debating what is a good height to jump from to induce a coma, but for Jackson the options are limited. Research shows a repeated head bashing against a desk can do more than you think. Other research says that a blunt rubber mallet can do wonders without all the mess. Simply working the mallet around the skull 2–3 dozen times can be an effective means to get the fuck out of there and live your damn life.
