The Hidden Trauma Behind Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of mind control that makes victims doubt their reality.
As a psychologist and a counselor, I know that talking about your feelings can help you maintain good mental health. Talking about your feelings can also help you deal with the times when you feel troubled.
After communicating with a gaslighter, you will start doubting about what’s wrong with you — and you will start to slowly behave and think in this way:
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re so dramatic.’’
“This is your problem to deal with’.’
“I never said that.’’
“It was a joke. Have a sense of humor.’’
“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”
Many people have heard these statements once in their lifetime. Yet, individuals are not always aware of their underlying meaning and the psychological and physical damage that these words can do.
This article will reflect on this phenomenon of gaslighting, its consequences, and the things that you can do to overcome this.
Defining Gaslighting
Gaslighting is oftentimes difficult to identify due to its insidious nature. It is also a slow unconscious loss of reality.
It typically begins in a very subtle way — by having another person “correct” your thinking, dismiss your emotions, and contradict your statements.
In other words, it is a subtle form of emotional or psychological manipulation that often results in the victim doubting their perception of reality and their sanity in abusive relationships.
Gaslighting and Relationships
Gaslighting can be considered a tactic that one partner uses to hold all the power in the dynamic — as their victim (or victims) become increasingly oppressed.
When someone is gaslighting you, you tend to have second thoughts about yourself, your perceptions, and your memories.
Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship including romantic, family, friendships, and work relationships.
If you’re being pressured, controlled, or even feel like you’re questioning yourself more than usual, it could be an underlying sense of manipulation.
Professional Insights
I must say that manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy psychological strategy used by people who are incapable of asking for what they want and need directly.
This phenomenon of gaslighting is very common among abusers, narcissists, and dictators.
The Techniques Used by Gaslighters
1. Lying
Lying allows a person to establish perceived control over a situation by manipulating reality. Gaslighters also use this strategy and change their stories, even when you call them out or prove their deception.
Even when you know they are lying, they can be very convincing — and in the end, you might start doubting yourself.
2. Denial of Wrongdoing
Most gaslighters deny the fact that they have done an unnecessary act of wrong to avoid taking responsibility for their abysmal choices.
This denial will make victims frustrated and confused since the pain they felt was not even acknowledged by the other person.
I would argue, that in the therapy room, that it is very hard for the victim to heal and move on.
3. Weaponized Compassion
A gaslighter will always use loving and kind words to diffuse the situation — especially when something is questioned. The victim might want to hear these words, even if these statements are not truthful.
If the same behavior is repeated over and over again, then they were not authentic utterances at all.
4. Shifting Blame
Most gaslighters engage in blame-shifting. You will end up in situations where you think that you are the one that should take the blame.
Gaslighters tend to manipulate the situation where you believe that you are the cause of their bad behavior. For example, when you try to discuss how their behavior makes you feel, they’re able to twist the conversation and end up blaming you.
They may posit that if you had behaved differently, they would have treated you more appropriately.
5. Missing Congruence
There is always a mismatch between the words and the actions of the gaslighter. This will make the victim more confused.
They will always make promises, but it doesn't make any sense since they never follow through.
Signs of Gaslighting
If a person is consistently experiencing gaslighting, there is a high risk that this person is vulnerable to different mental health issues such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress, poor self-esteem, and depression.
Identifying the signs of gaslighting is really important to maintain good mental health. These include:
- Constant self-doubt
- Feeling the need to apologize (leading to over-apologizing)
- Regularly feeling misunderstood and alone
- Constantly feeling confused
- Having difficulty trusting yourself and other people
- Low self-esteem
- Trying to live up to ingenuine, unreasonable, and unrealistic expectations and demands from others
- Feeling like your behavior and actions will always be questioned
- A sense of insecurity and vulnerability
Techniques to Stop Gaslighting
There are several effective steps for stopping gaslighting behaviors and bringing relief to sufferers. They are:
1. Not Second Guessing Your Genuine Feelings and Intellect
You are good enough. Have a firm belief in yourself and use your intuition as your guidance system.
Remember that there is nothing you can do to appease the conflicting actions and behaviors of a gaslighter.
2. Recognizing the Warning Signs
By recognizing the earlier mentioned warning signs, you can avoid falling into the trap of gaslighting, reducing confusion and frustration.
3. Checking-In With Others
Once you are manipulated and blamed repeatedly, it will be hard to see the reality of the situation.
Always try to check in with someone else to get a better grasp of reality.
4. Prioritizing Safety
You do not need to prove a gaslighter’s threats of violence are sincere. If you feel you are in danger, you can always leave the situation.
Your safety is always important.
5. Not Sacrificing Yourself to Spare Others’ Feelings
You will never fill the other person’s desire for control, even if you dedicate your whole life to making them happy — so don’t hurt yourself while helping them.
6. Getting Therapeutic Help
Therapy is a safe place where you can talk about your feelings and memories without judgment.
A therapist can help you recognize healthy and unhealthy behaviors.
Final Thoughts and Takeaways
As a psychologist and a counselor, I have to admit that gaslighting may lead a person to develop many serious mental health concerns.
The constant self-doubt and confusion surrounding gaslighting can contribute to anxiety — while a person’s hopelessness and low self-esteem may lead to depression.
Shockingly, gaslighting is a leading factor in codependency and post-traumatic stress disorder as well.
The experience of being gaslit is hard to get over especially if it has happened for a long period of time. However, it is possible to take back your reality and sanity.
The first and most important step in healing is learning to believe in yourself.
Building confidence in your own instincts and judgment is a skill we can all learn through daily practices such as practicing mindfulness, maintaining a journal, and affirming your own feelings and opinions.
Realize that you are not alone, that we are in this together, and most importantly — there is hope. Don’t give up. You are worth more than you think — and I, just like others, believe in you.
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