How to cultivate more self-discpline
When people describe you, what adjectives would they use? Determined? Passionate? Curious? Smart?
How about disciplined…?
Of all the attributes I identify with, discipline is not one of them. It’s a quality that has escaped me like a set of misplaced keys throughout life. Growing up like many of us, at school my report cards would often read “Manoj is quite an accomplished student, but lacks discipline.”
At times discipline it felt like a foreign and intangible concept, that I would never make sense of or put to use properly.
For much of my adult life, I suffered the consequences of my lack of discipline. Keeping track of my health would wax and wane and my desire to write more would fall behind as I had trouble resisting another binge worthy TV show (shout-out to the Ted Bundy tapes). And in cases not keeping an eye on my expenses would have me asking— how will I pay rent this month?
This was an all too familiar way of being that permeated every aspect of my life, and one that would eventually spiral into self-pity at the onset of developing my first start-up.
A little exercise
At the beginning of the new year I came to understand and accept that much of my predicament was caused by a lack of self-discipline. So I decided to write down the cost of this in my life. I wrote down the number of ways it has been impacting my life. I was honest and it was brutal.
I realised the only thing I was committed to was meditating each day. My physical health was average and I battled sugar cravings, my finances were roller-coasting and as much as I wanted to, I struggled to make valuable time for my friends and family.
As I started to write this down I felt flat and overwhelmed and only slightly disappointed by how I got here.
Then it dawned on me that all of these things didn’t make me a failure. And there was one thing I do with complete regularity and discipline, and that is meditating.
This is something most people struggle with , a daily meditation practice developed over the course of days, months and eventually, years.
And because I was doing one thing with discipline, I knew I could do so many more things with that same level of discipline and attention.
It was enough evidence for me to recognise that I could achieve the things that I wanted to achieve with just a little more discipline.
I set myself up with a 30 day experiment. Inspired by Matt Cutts, who suggests 30 day challenges can lead to long term habit formations. And this time I was devoted to giving this a proper go.
So 30 days into setting the intention to be more committed to and to hold myself accountable for my life, here are the things that I have learned:
To let go of expectations and to understand that cultivating mental and physical wellbeing should be a priority
Also, I stopped putting an end goal on either. It wasn’t about working out to lose or acquire a certain physique, this wasn’t contributing to me cultivating more self-compassion and less identification, it was the opposite. I realised it was about showing up. I showed up on my cushion each morning. I showed up to exercise when I didn’t want to. I showed up and cooked food that nurtured my body and not my cravings, instead of reaching for the phone and ordering uber eats. I realised in letting go of expectations, I was simply more devoted to showing up.
I also learned about balance. And balance doesn’t come from suppressing oneself or monitoring oneself, but allowing ourselves to work at something and make mistakes. Giving myself the mental freedom to “fail” meant, well, that I didn’t. And so I was better able to stay committed throughout my 30 days by giving myself room to make mistakes. Had I made a mistake and fallen off, it would have been ok — as long as I continued to show up.
Also, I know my ‘why’
We are never going to truly commit to anything if it’s not deeply meaningful to us. For me it was the realisation during the winters holidays that I had spent so much of my life allowing life to happen to me, being at the mercy of causes and conditions without embracing this human life fully. I resolved to explore the my humanity more deeply.
I wanted to be kinder to everyone I knew and met, and I wanted to explore my creativity and what would happen if I really tapped into my potential and I allowed my meditation practice to connect me with what we all hope for, love.
I wanted to be more loving to myself and to the world around me. Without having a sense of meaning in our lives, we are like ships without a sail.
I found freedom in structure
I set myself up every day with a carefully constructed morning routine. Without fail, I woke up at a certain time, meditated for 50 minutes (you don’t need to do this FYI), had my morning coffee and exercised. This gave me a consistent start to each day, I felt connected to my body, motivated and ready to meet what the day had in store for me. There was a sense of freedom within the structure of knowing each morning I had to get up and do these 3 things and these 3 things would create the best conditions for me to thrive.
“We thrive or wither depending on how nourishing our environment is” — Yann Martel
Technology became my friend
There are periods that I really struggled with technology. The constant urge to check my email or respond to notifications even in the presence of friends or family became a battle. But I found ways to make technology my friend. I set time limitations on things like social media. And I started to use a project planning tool to help me stay on track of the things I had to do. I used trello more feverishly when I expanded it’s use to my personal life. I started to track the money I was spending and the work and personal tasks I had to accomplish throughout the day and as a reminder of my ‘why’ I was doing what I was doing. This allowed me to see how much I had achieved each day, week and month and gave me reminders of the things I needed to do. But it also gave me back my freedom.
Another aspect I changed was that I took accountability for the state of my life. I stopped blaming others for my present state. It wasn’t my friend’s fault that I got home from dinner late, it was mine. It wasn’t work’s fault that I felt exacerbated — it was mine. And it wasn’t the weather’s fault that I stayed home and watched hours of TV in a day, it was mine. I recognised that I had the power to change the victim narrative that I held onto so closely. I could achieve what I wanted, If I invested the time.
I began to prioritise. I prioritised the things I wanted to do. Reading and writing more was important to me, previously I only did it when I had time, but this month, I specifically set aside time for it. And the results were wonderful. I wrote three articles, developed three workshops and designed a training program in a few weeks.
Instant gratification is a sham
We live in a time of immediacy. Our culture loves instant gratification. And everything is available at our fingertips. A new appliance, a new gadget, a new date all at the click of a button or a swipe of our finger. But real, sustainable change is more subtle. The more I was fixated on the results of my efforts the more illusive they felt. Looking back at my 30 days I can now see how much I’ve progressed and how I can continue to grow.
Causes and conditions influence discipline
The more tired I was the more my defences were down. An extra dessert, another side of fries. When I was stressed or slightly anxious, my healthy habits suffered and so did my exercising.
I’ve learned that sustained discipline comes from the acceptance that we can’t (and shouldn’t) be disciplined all the time.
- Be willing to be open to life in the moment, you will live more richly, and sometimes there’s only cake to eat ;) Being flexible and not getting attached to routine shows we’re making real progress towards our ultimate goal — acceptance of ourselves in each moment. Life can throw us a curveball and many beautiful things, if we’re open to possibility, we’ll be able to experience it more fully.
- Certain causes and certain situations influence our ability to stay committed. Be aware of this when you’re tired, stressed or emotional. Be prepared.
- Find good rest, stay hydrated and look after the body and mind. Most importantly, be kind to those whom you love. These are all good conditions to lead a disciplined life.
Will my insights work for everyone? Perhaps not. But that’s ok. Do what works for you. trial and error are our best friends, and it’s how we experience the learning. The single most important advice that has made me a more disciplined person came from the Dalai Lama;
“Whether our action is wholesome or unwholesome depends on whether that action or deed arises from a disciplined or undisciplined state of mind. It is felt that a disciplined mind leads to happiness and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering, and in fact it is said that bringing about discipline within one’s mind is the essence of the Buddha’s teaching.”
― Dalai Lama XIV,
So each day, we have choices to make. Do what is wise and needs to be done or do what’s always been done. In 2019 i’m choosing the latter. What will you choose?
If you liked the cut of my jib, you can find more pieces here:
