Confessions of a Degenerate Online Shopper
Confession time: I’m an undisciplined and hopelessly inept online shopper.
Clothes.
Electronics.
Booze.
Books.
Food.
You name it. I’ve made a dumb purchase of it.
There are millions who suffer from money-oriented afflictions.
You’ve heard of degenerate gamblers? Well, I’m a degenerate online shopper.
And let me tell you, it’s not for the faint of heart.
Confessions of a Degenerate Online Shopper
Presented for your review are 3 of my degenerate online shopping confessions.
Please leave yours in the comments section below.
#1. I Waste Tons of Money Buying Streaming Movies
This is supremely dumb — and something I do on a monthly, nay, bi-weekly basis.
Internal monologue
“Watched the movie Zodiac a few months back. That was some gripping sh*t.
Oh look, it’s recommended for me to watch again on Amazon Prime.
[clicks remote]
$4.99 for a 48 hour rental??
Let’s see — it’s between this and literally thousands of free movie and television options out there.
I also have free access to millions of websites on the internet. I own books. I —
[Subconscious reptilian brain, now the property of Jeff Bezos, clicks “Buy.”]
[Furious with myself]
Well, guess I’m rewatching Zodiac.”
End monologue
My memory of the rest of the evening gets a little foggy at this point (it was two whole days ago).
But I recall making it halfway through the opening credits, then picking up my phone, perusing Twitter for a while, then passing out asleep on my couch.
$4.99 well spent.
#2. I Buy Books that I Never Read
There’s a $40 copy of Theodore Rex placed prominently in my bookshelf. I’ve opened it once.
Somewhere underneath it? Leaves of Grass. I hear it’s good.
To the left — a highly disappointing Hunter S. Thompson book that I impulse bought and am still bitter about.
Buying books that I’m unsure I’ll ever read, but look cool on a coffee table, still persists in the decrepit corner of my brain still concerned with things like “styling myself as an intellectual” and “being well-read.”
I’ve hosted exactly 3 people at my apartment in the months since my girlfriend moved out.
Zero compliments.
The lesson here — people like me would rather blow hundreds of dollars on used hardback books then set up a free Goodreads account.
#3. I’m a Sucker for Free* Trials
Saving the best (worst) for last, here.
Back in the halcyon days of 2013 — before I owned a MacBook, before I worked in digital marketing, before I knew what Software-as-a-Service even meant — I could maintain a steady monthly budget on a $32,000 annual salary — with plenty of money left over for savings, etc.
Now? I can’t even make it a month without canceling and requesting new credit cards and debit cards from my banks.
Why go to all this trouble? Because karma is very real — and it has it out for me.
My self-control when it comes to paying for subscription services — with and without free trials — is next to zero.
Some of you can’t help but buy the coolest new makeup or latest Fortnite skin or what-have-you when you log onto the interwebs.
I’m the perfect mark for the most diabolical, insidious marketing tactics purveyed by Amazon, Salesforce, and the rest of the robot overlords in Silicon Valley.
Yes, I’m pathetic. Yes, I have no life. But I do have 2 free Audible credits for audiobooks left this month — and that’s some small comfort.
What Are Your Degenerate Online Shopping Stories?
They say the truth will set you free. Well my name is Jeremy. I’m a degenerate online shopper.
And I’d like to end this blog post on a positive note.
I bought a really sweet Pusha T art print that’s sitting above my desk.
I’ve sent pictures to at least a dozen people. Mostly positive responses so far.
And my mom freaking loved it when she visited last month.
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I’m a degenerate alright. But I’m not the only one.
Add yours below and check out PriceWaiter’s free price negotiation tool for Google Chrome and Firefox — endorsed by LifeHacker, CNet, and Dave Ramsey as a brilliant way to save money while shopping online.
