Billy Crystal: The First Gay Man I Knew

Pride. Day 2.

I was 10 Years old when the sit-com SOAP was first broadcast. SOAP was an odd little show with an eclectic assortment of actors, notable for casting seasoned actors (meaning older), such as Katherine Helmond and Richard Muligan. This was a time when prime-time shows were more likely to be focused on younger and sexier casts. Shows such as Charlie’s Angels and Three’s Company were tapping into the free-love vibe of the seventies. SOAP was cashing in on the sexual revolution in their own way, with scandalouls plot lines.

Right about this time, I was head over heels with my first crush, “Marty”. Marty was a very good-looking kid in my class who had no business hanging out with me. I was a nerd and a band geek. Marty was a jock. I spent my lunches hiding in the library to avoid the bullies on the playground while Marty would log miles on the track. I was poor and Marty’s family was stinking rich. We essentially had nothing in common. Of course, all of these factors were the perfect ingredients to make us best friends.

Friendship meant sleepovers, the first my parent’s ever allowed me to have. Marty and I would sleep in front of the TV in his den (a den!) sharing a sleeping bag. Marty used to like to wrestle and tickle which I don’t remember protesting at all. Lightening bolts would burn through my body when Marty’s leg would casually brush against mine. One night, exhausted from the tickling, I was barely paying attention to the TV when Marty said under his breath, “He’s gay.”

He was referring to Billy Crystal’s character on SOAP, Jodie Dallas, who was talking on-screen. I was barely conscious of knowing what “gay” meant at that time, but I knew enough. I turned to look at Billy Crystal, and was disgusted. For whatever reason, I just found him pathetic and ugly. But that didn’t really matter. Why did Marty mention that Jodie Dallas was gay? Was he trying to tell me something?

When ABC first aired SOAP they were bombarded by complaints from their affiliate stations due to the themes of sexuality and infidelity that were so prevalent on the show. Catholic and Jewish organizations joined forces to condemn the show before the first episode even aired. Gay advocacy groups also ultimately criticized the show due to it’s stereotypical representation of gay men. ABC had a shit-show on their hands. Over the four seasons of SOAP, Jodie went through a series of tortured character arcs that seemed to both simultaneously justify and apologize for his sexuality. This was new territory for ABC and you could feel it in the writing. After a couple of initial episodes that established that Jodie was gay, he went on to be involved with several female love interests. I don’t remember him ever dating a man.

To be fair, I don’t remember that much about the plot or details of SOAP. My family didn’t typically watch it until I started demanding that we tune-in. My father hated the show and started making me watch it in my parent’s bedroom, on their crappy 6" black and white TV, while the family watched something else in the living room of our trailer. I sat each week with my face just inches from the TV screen trying to make sense of Jodie, and in turn my own sexuality. When Jodie contemplated having a sex change, I was devastated, thinking that this would be my fate if I “chose” to be gay. As Jodie went on to father a child, I thought that maybe I wasn’t gay after all. When Jodie began dating the lesbian character Alice, I about lost my shit.

Similar to the story-arc of Jodie Dallas, Marty’s and my relationship went everywhere, and nowhere. We spent two-years tickling and wrestling and snuggling in that sleeping bag. Then after a summer of working out-of-town with my Grandfather, I returned to school to find Marty had moved away. My whole world imploded. It was heart-breaking, but I had to internalize the emotions for fear that someone would figure out what my feelings truly meant. I gained 50 pounds that year as I slipped into depression. I made my first and only “D” on a report card. I quit band and joined the drama club.

Looking back, this all seems so obvious and petty and sad, but I’m proud of living through it. It was a hell of a lot more interesting and authentic than any Jodie Dallas story-line.