Nigerian Hobbies

Or why strangers give you “bad eye” for no reason

I love Nigerians, we cannot be put in a box. Thinking outside the box is our thing. Who wouldn’t love over a hundred and fifty million people found in one place that think outside the box by default?

And one of the ways that we express this amazing trait for out of the box thinking is in our choice of hobbies.

So, (If I am right) a hobby is basically something you do for recreation, for example, swimming. It is something you do to relax, or to wind down. To chill. Even though the reader and I can testify to the fact that Nigerians have no chill whatsoever. And so we have somehow found a way to throw away all the mainstream hobbies and created hobbies of our own. Well, to be completely fair, some of these hobbies were born out of the context of our reality but we enjoy them all the same.

So find highlighted below the non-exhaustive list of Nigerian hobbies.

1. Pricing: For the un-initiated, the word pricing can be defined as (often times, needless) aggressive and dramatic bargaining over the cost of a product. The art of pricing (for it is indeed an art) transcends the typical conversational negotiation; it involves feigning disinterest, pretending to walk away, explaining the state of the economy, communicating your lack of money, telling stories (mostly fabricated) to illustrate said lack and so on. I have been in a bus, behind a woman who priced everything there was to price while we were in traffic (more on this later), and she bought none. Even when they came down to her bargain she just ignored them. I was just like:

2. Being in traffic: With the poor state of the public transport system, and the need to have everyone’s ego padded, everybody, I mean everybody, has a car. You can imagine how that works out in a country of over a hundred million people. Especially in a place like Lagos. People have been in traffic so long they have learnt to enjoy it. I mean, people can use the time to catch up on their reading (Linda Ikeji), some are notjustok… fans and listen to music, some brave ones actually sleep, and others, like the lady in the story above indulge in some recreational pricing. Sometimes I feel like some people deliberately cause traffic just so they can sit in one spot because you’re in traffic and you get to the front and cannot see why there was traffic in the first place! I have spent 5 hours moving from Palms to Ikoyi. Just to provide some perspective, Bill gates makes $114 per second, so in the time I was cooking in the metal entrapment called a bus, someone made $400000.

3. Buying things in traffic: It seems to me that these roadside vendors have come to make traffic a more pleasurable experience; honestly it’s a win-win. In traffic I can conveniently buy dinner items like fish, yam, pineapples, and popcorn and drinks for the road. The day I knew that this had gone too far was when I saw road side hawkers selling night gowns, shoe racks, laundry baskets and even bedside tables. These vendors are saving us the stress of going to the market to price. We can now price right from the comfort of my non-air conditioned car in traffic. God bless them.

4. Queuing: Nigerians love being in queues so much that even when there is no queue, we somehow manage to create a queue. For example, you walk into the bank, and you see a queue, you automatically join the queue, even though there may be an open teller beckoning you to come. Nah, not-queuing is too mainstream, you just gotta queue and think about what you’re gonna buy in traffic on the way home. Maybe a laundry basket.

5. Shunting: You know how people say “Where there’s a will there’s a way”? Well in Nigeria, where there is a queue, there is some random person trying to get in front of everybody else. Because, why not? Do you know who I am? Although we understand the concept of queues, I would like to just put it out there that some people do not know how to stand in line. At the ATM, you are just queuing jejely and one man just flies from the back straight to the machine and slots his card in, and you’re just like: SEE ME SEE WAHALA AM I INVISIBLE?

6. Guessing when NEPA (or whatever their new name is) would bring light: This is a favorite pastime especially among the young ones. The only way I would believe that you have not played this game is if you have been living in Aso Rock all your life. This game is basically a lottery, but with light, and when someone wins, everybody wins, and rejoices accordingly. Since NEPA has prided themselves in their inability to give power, we, ever the creatives, have taken it as a form of entertainment. Very few have been able to truly predict when NEPA would bring light, and to them I say: SENSEI. A lot of people no longer do this particular hobby because, generators, inverters, and solar panels have become the new NEPA in our lives. Cries in black market fuel.

7. Crashing Owambe: Let me begin with a confession. I am particularly guilty of this hobby. I have been to a wedding where I didn’t know the bride; I had never seen her in my life. I heard there was a wedding, and immediately I had my shoes, and dress ready. I even made new hair! Be it a your uncles wife’s friend’s cousin’s godmother that gave birth, or was getting married, trust me, Nigerians shall be there to ensure that all your refreshment calculations, which includes the generous margin of error, is blown away. And so we’ll show up dressed to kill, and ready to eat. To be honest though, you cannot blame us, who doesn’t like free Jollof.

8. Horning: This used to annoy me before, but now I’m just like: WHATEVER SHEBI I’M ALREADY DEAF. This is one hobby I do not understand. There is nobody beside you or in front of you, but you are horning. Please where are the spiritual cars? You’re in traffic, and it’s a gridlock, you must horn. Oya fly. Especially Taxi Drivers. They are the absolute worst. They see a passenger, honk, don’t see a passenger, honk. See a fellow taxi driver, honk, bird poops on windscreen, honk in anger. Even normal drivers would see someone they know and you horn like 10 times to say “hello”. People can have complete conversations just with their horns. It’s a means of communication, our very own Morse code for the highway.

9. Judging others: Ha! This is my personal favorite. There is even a face to make while you’re judging to let the judged know. Ain’t nobody gat time to mask their judging. You can further expand the scope of your judgement and give advice, for example, “Sister, this color in your hair is not too good. Please do something about it”. Like you’re just minding your business and judgment will come and envelop you. P. S. Only old women can get away with this unharmed because in Nigeria its judge and be judged.

— — — — — — —

Article written by Unekwu Opaluwah. You can tweet at her here.

If you enjoyed the article, please recommend so others can see it. Also, follow our funny intellectual banter on twitter @primateculture.