Loving What Is

A Path to Ending Suffering

I finished reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie a few weeks ago and found tremendous value in her teachings. She provides a powerful path to end suffering and has already become one of my favorite leadership tools.

Like many profound lessons, it is quite simple but deep. She was depressed, anxious, suicidal, and had reached rock bottom living in a halfway house when she had an awakening. She saw that her suffering had a cause, and she discovered a way out. The cause was attaching to and identifying with her thoughts and beliefs and the way out is inquiry. Her process of inquiry consists of the following simple steps.

First, when she notices tension or suffering appearing, she writes down whatever thought or judgment she is attaching to. For example: my employee is lazy because he isn’t completing projects on time. She explains in detail that is crucial to write the thought on paper rather than looping on it internally.

Second, she asks herself (and writes on paper) four simple questions.

1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know it’s true?
3. What do I feel and how do I react when I believe the thought?
4. Who would I be without that thought?

For questions one and two, she accepts from herself only a simple YES or NO without any story or explanation. This is a meditative process that requires slowing down and getting in touch with one’s deeper inner voice rather than whatever thoughts are at the tip of the tongue while triggered. She takes a few deep breaths and truly searches for what answer resonates with her. There isn’t a right answer: sometimes the answer is YES, sometimes NO.

Continuing the example above about a ‘lazy employee’:

Is it true? NO

Can I absolutely know it’s true? NO

When I believe the thought, I feel angry and disappointed and snap at the employee making him feel unappreciated and less productive.

Without the thought, I would be curious about why his projects are behind schedule and considerately explore with him solutions ranging from changing the scope of the projects or the deadlines or better productivity habits.

Third, she turns around the thought and checks whether it is as true as the original thought that was leading to suffering. Here are example turnarounds from the story about the lazy employee:

1. He is not lazy; i.e., he is working hard but the deadline is unrealistic.
2. I am lazy; i.e., I am not taking the time to identify what is reasonable.
3. My thinking is lazy; i.e., I am defaulting to the easy path of blame rather than curiosity.

She calls this process of applying the four questions and completing the turnarounds The Work. As I have been practicing The Work, it has been extraordinary how rapidly I can transition from a state of suffering to a beautiful state, which is the state from which all effective leadership decisions are made. It has also had a massive impact in my personal relationships.

From this perspective, each challenge that arises is a teacher to help wake us up to something within our mental life that isn’t serving us. I hope you find The Work helpful in learning from the problems (gifts) that arise in your life.

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