“Management Musts”

— Inspirational Requests in 5 Steps

I’ve forgotten the name of this very special restaurant I stumbled across in Amsterdam, it was decades ago now, but I haven’t forgotten how it taught me (the hard way) to lead with more sincerity.

It was one of those rare little places, with maybe five or six tables max, that may or may not even be open at any given moment. The owners were a married couple living in a loft above it and when they wanted guests, they opened the doors. And when it was open, you’d find the best meal around.

They listed only a handful of options on the menu, and even those were often not what they were actually cooking that day, yet whatever they were cooking was invariably something I was delighted to eat.

First time I breezed in there, typical American assuming they were somehow obligated to serve me…she simply smirked as she ushered me to go. “We’re not open now after all” was all she said!

Second time I strolled by and noticed they were actually open, and they invited me to one of their precious few tables…I requested a meal from the menu and I was actually asking! I immediately noticed it…it felt so good in a way I hadn’t felt in the States, where we pretend to ask for something by saying “yeah can I have the crusted salmon” while totally assuming the answer to anything I declare will be “yes”. I remember vividly how her response seemed similarly engaged, there was a tangible experience of connection between us adding even more richness to the entire experience…she switched from a smirk to lighting up, way more excited to prepare my meal.

My requests at work were forever changed, for the better, and here are my 5 steps to getting there:

1. Remember you’re choosing to make a request — On healthy teams, fiercely committed to the same mission and fiercely respectful of each other, requests are one option of many. On the softer side, you might make a suggestion instead, inviting their own views and demonstrating respect for their expertise. On the harder side you might give an order, knowing high-performers often revel in the jolt of energy imperative statements can bring. “Hey would you be willing to follow up with them?”, as a compulsory form of request-making, sometimes conveys a lack of trust while a curt “Call them back immediately and let me know how it plays out” can ironically convey deep respect and camaraderie.
2. Actually ASK — When you do choose to make a request, don’t inform someone, “I’d like you to…” or “I’d really love it if you could…”. Don’t describe to someone, “If you spend today focusing on…” or “I suspect it’ll work best if you…”. This is one of those elusive obvious moments for many managers, but you have to actually ask someone, “Will you…”.
3. Feel how important the task is to you while asking them — When you choose to make a request, request in a way that feels meaningful. Even when someone’s already happy to take it on, their morale tends to go up feeling how their task actually matters in a visceral way. A common pitfall I see at this step is the tendency to initially feel the importance of a task yet immediately shift to a “professional tone” the moment you begin asking…it’s as if it’s more appropriate (or maybe less pushy) to make requests devoid of any emotional energy. Stop doing that!
4. Be aware they may say “yes” and they may say “no” as you ask — When I was requesting the meal I really wanted at that restaurant, I was painfully aware the answer might be “nope”, so the asking seemed so much more real. If you’re clear you’re going to insist, don’t make a fake request just give an order. But if you are asking, be aware you’re asking while you ask!
5. Allow yourself to be impacted by their “yes” or their “no” — When the woman who ran that special little joint did say yes to the meal I was hoping for, I was elated. Pretty sure I also enjoyed the food far more. Fully honor their yes or their no, it was a request not an order so don’t shut down with them if you don’t get your way. But do let yourself be disappointed or concerned at a no, just as you let yourself be grateful or even relieved when they say yes. Thanking them for either answer has a much more rich emotional texture when it comes from this place of allowing deep impact.

For years now I’ve never written about this training piece mostly because I’m so bemused at how nuanced such a basic little thing as ‘making a request’ turns out to be. That said, I’ve witnessed such meaningful shifts in day-to-day interactions that I’m officially putting this out there, in hopes a few of you implement it in a way that leads to more successes and to more fulfilled humans out there.

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